He’s cheating on me and denies it.

[berryfields]

We’ve been together (removed by moderator) yrs. I’m a widow, he a friend of my late husband. Every (removed by moderator) night he goes out to the pub and covertly takes (removed by moderator) before he goes. He’s done it for a while now, (removed by moderator). One night in bed he said (removed by moderator) night is sex night. Then I reminded him on Wednesday night thinking he’d meant us, he replied (removed by moderator). My gut feeling for ages now that something’s going on. There is a woman in the background who when I was first taken to his (removed by moderator) with him, saw him standing looking across at her concernedly. Next thing I know he’s standing next to her talking, (removed by moderator). There’s other incidents involving her too. I feel sick when he goes out alone. He was a nightmare on the short (removed by moderator) we went on together. (Removed by moderator) before he was actively eyeing up women. He’s taller and stands behind me ogling them. Says I’m paranoid and going crazy but I’m not. Sorry to rant on. Wish I could tell him to go but I care for him. He’s so nice and attentive sometimes but now I’m thinking it’s this lovebombing I’ve heard about. We are both in our mid 70s. Would miss him so much. My best friend who I do and could talk to is terminally I’ll so I won’t worry her, hence I’m here with you good folk.

[KIP.]

Hi there, not sure how long after you became a widow that this man came on the scene romantically. Abusers will search out vulnerable women. I’d say trust your gut. It doesn’t matter what age you are, Abuse always gets worse. You will probably find he has a history of this sort of behaviour. Did you ever received counselling? Please be careful financially. These men will suck a victim dry then move on to the next one. Google the cycle of abuse.

[berryfields]

Thank you so much for response. Widowed almost (detail removed by moderator) years.he was in a bad place with his ex though (detail removed by moderator) . I now suspect this meant he’d had 3 affairs. She was obviously very hurt at their break up after (detail removed by moderator) years. I have changed my will not in his favour and he asked me quite recently whether I had written a new Will. If I ask him to leave, he’ll have to rent somewhere. Expect this will be cut from here, but after pub night, he often has signs that he has had Viagra sex. If I challenge him he gets nasty and says I don’t trust him, there’s no future for us. That I provoke rows all the time. It’s a b****y nightmare. I shouldn’t be so gutless really.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi berryfields

I am very sorry for your loss. That length of time is not very long in terms of grieving and the massive change that comes with it.

I am horrified that he has asked you whether you have written a new will, and I would be very worried about that.

These men tend to move very quickly, striking shortly after a woman becomes newly available and vulnerable (suffering a loss like yours for example), and also then becomes encumbant very quickly (moving in with them – its called cocklodging).

He shouldn’t have relied upon you for housing, and is responsible for his own housing. Your only concern is the betrayal he is continually bringing to you, and the pain that causes you. From the history you mention he sounds like a serial ‘womaniser’ and I am sorry that you have found someone you believed to be good and true, is not and has been continually lying to you.

‘Sex night’, is a massive red flag. huge.

Noone can know in advance that they will be emotionally and physically available on a set night each week, and a woman should never be held to such a vile ‘contract’. Love and intimacy happens sponaneously, and not booked like a woman is being used for sex. This is obviously his MO, as you say he’s slipped up and got confused about which night you are contracted to have sex with him, and mistook it for someone else ‘sex night’. I am sorry he is treating you (and other women) this way. I don’t know if its any consolation that he treats all women this way. He probably has a sex addiction, and his arrangements are unlikely to have any emotional attachments, just objectivity of the women he treats this way.

You deserve someone who loves you wholly, and has your best interests at heart. Prioritise yourself and your needs, and be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault, and it can be much harder to go through the grieving of a relationship so soon after loss of a life partner. My heart goes out to you, try to pursue some self-fulfilling activities to boost yourself up, and connect with ways of enjoying yourself, having good and rewarding happiness in your life. You deserve it.

warmest wishes

ts

[berryfields]

Hi ts, I’ve found such comfort from your response. It’s opened by eyes and given me powerful words like betrayal, and phrases – ‘ not my concern’. Thank you for taking the time to write as you did, it is much appreciated. I know I should make an effort to do things for me, interests , socializing, and the like. I just know he will use that time to have rendezvous’ with other women. It’s why I do nothing apart from one morning a week. He capitalises on that with a neighbour. It’s happened at least twice. I got back a bit earlier once and as I drove up she was walking away from here and she put her head down, covering her face entirely with her hands when she saw my car. He then appeared at the sidegate of the house, smiling and distracting me. Nothing had been done indoors. I’d asked him to peel some potatoes and his response was that he could do that anytime (detail removed by Moderator). I challenged him later and he said I was mad. He saidfor 2 hours of my absence he had played online (detail removed by Moderator) as he hadn’t played it lately then slept on the sofa next to the cat. He said no one had been over the front door threshold. No, he’d let her in at the side gate that’s why. It’s a male joke I understand, to say that. This was (detail removed by Moderator) days before my birthday. I sense she has been here on at least one other occasion.
Berryfields
The substantial proof I have that he lied to me, is dismissed as he says he can’t remember being at that place on that day. I have timed receipts to confirm it. He was ill later that day and I took him to a and e.

He says he’s looking over his shoulder all the time because I don’t trust him and that he hadn’t been within a foot of another woman since we got together. I wish I could believe him. He’s in a black hole with me, like the two previous relationships. This black hole is o& his making, sorry to rant on.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi berryfields

thank you, just wanted to let you know I’d read your reply (I am not getting notifications of responses to my posts, so I think I must often miss them).

I am glad something has felt helpful, and validating for you, and maybe even altered your focus a little more toward your own priorities over you, and not him.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Good Afternoon Twisted sister.

Just to let you know, we’ve had a look into the issue you’d raised with receiving notifications as we want to make sure that everything’s functioning as it should.

We’ve checked messaging and reply notifications on test accounts and made sure those are coming through. After having a look at this particular example, it looks like because another user had replied to the main topic rather than your individual reply, you hadn’t been notified. Unfortunately, the technology isn’t smart enough currently to pick up on replies if someone hasn’t specifically replied to your post. Hope this helps provide some clarity and we’ll be looking at the FAQs soon to ensure we include more on this and other areas so everything is as user-friendly as possible.

Best wishes

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

thank you for your comment on my post Lisa.

I hadn’t really had chance to look into the pattern of notifications, but yes, that does explain the erratic notification situation.

It does help, a lot, to understand how it works, and I do have a notification of your reply to my post, as I do get them on occasion, which convinced me that notifications worked, and that I just kept missing some when I’d suddenly see in a thread that someone had replied to me.

It would be easier to have a reply button inside the post you want to reply to, its just that the little word ‘reply’ above each post isn’t prominent. I missed it for a very long time, and instead opted for simply writing in the REPLY box that appears at the bottom, without knowing which specific post I was replying to.

If I’d have seen REPLY TO THIS COMMENT/POST more prominently displayed it would be clearer for not just myself, and would ensure that notifications would be activated more reliably. I don’t have any issue with a basic system, but in this instance clearer options could avoid much of the lack of understanding, by making it just more obvious.

Thanks again for highlighting it.

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Ts,

Thanks for your reply, I’ve noted your suggestion for our future development of the forum.

Thank you,

Lisa

[KIP.]

He’s always going to deny it. Abusers will never admit their guilt. Next time you go out leave a recording device hidden somewhere in the house. But really you already have your answer and the trust is gone.

[berryfields]

He has (detail removed by  moderator) email addresses. (Detail removed by moderator). Recently when I was assisting him (detail removed by moderator)  there was a (detail removed by moderator). I mentioned this to him a bit later and he brushed it off, saying (detail removed by moderator). I was thinking I would have a go at retracting e-mails he’s deleted forever but find it can’t be done. I’ll have a go anyway. He’s had this email address ages and (detail removed by moderator). Now I think it’s where he communicates with others, then permanently deletes them lest I see them. He’s bomb-proof isn’t he. Had hoped this would be the catalyst and I could ask him to leave if I found solid evidence.
A listening device might start making noises if it runs out of space. Don’t know how they operate yet, I haven’t yet researched them. Think I would be in big trouble if he discovered it. Have contacted private investigator in the past too. They suggested(detail removed by moderator). I need to end this. I can’t face another summer with him (detail removed by moderator). feeling anxious and angry, then there’s a row and I back down, give in. He’s a sad man really, (detail removed by moderator) good looks, very very confident, no one messes with him. Airing this has helped. Thank you for listening.

[KIP.]

You don’t need an excuse or proof to end this relationship. The bottom line is the trust has gone and you’re unhappy. Does he have somewhere to go? Could you just change the locks and pack his stuff up and leave it somewhere neutral. These men land on their feet. Tracking someone is illegal I believe so be very careful. I know how you want definitive proof but even when I had it my ex still denied and refused to go. Don’t waste your energy. You’ve already contacted a private investigator, that’s enough for me. Work behind his back at getting him out. Talk to your local womens aid x

[berryfields]

Thank you KIP. Briefly as he’s about. Yes I am working behind his back, think he’s got someth8ng set up for next (detail removed by moderator). Will challenge and if sexed up signs arethere when he comes in at night, then it’s a farewell . Trouble is, (detail removed by moderator) sheds full of rubbish all his, plus(detail removed by moderator) in my garage. Change keys, yes, as he gained unlawful access to his ex’s previously. Think a skip or two will do it, sorry to learn you had a job to get him out even with proof. Hope you have rebuilt your life.
Best,
Berryfields

[KIP.]

Ending the relationship is dangerous for you. Learn from his ex because he will act the same way with you. Have someone with you and ring the police if you have to.

[berryfields]

I’m almost positive that he took a viagra tonight before he went out. Usual thing, as I walked back into the kitchen he drank from his water glass a small amount having got pill from his pocket though I didn’t see it, I felt like saying, asking him, if he had but know a row would blow up. When he comes in tonight I don’t whether to ask him point blank or wait until we are just getting into bed so I can notice whether he has signs of ‘action’ as he calls it on his penis which I’ve noted before. Once he had what looked like scratch marks only round his lower back area (removed by moderator). MUG here fell for it, well not entirely of course, but I just felt knocked down again. My plan tonight if I suspect his ‘action’ is to ask him to sleep in the other bedroom and then say we can talk in the morning. I have to end this, but deep down can’t bear the thought of him going, though logically I’ve already lost him.

[Sunshines]

I think most abusers cheat and lie about it I also think they are incapable of being genuine. They struggle with honesty too put yourself first get rid of him and go somewhere nice spend the rest of your life being happy xx

[berryfields]

Does anyone know if there are legal implications if I ask my co-habitant partner, not a formal civil partner, to leave before two years are up?
I think there is something about you can’t just kick him out, he can plead his low income that means he can’t afford to rent anywhere, which my partner would have to do as he has nowhere of his own. I sense this is why he’s just asked me ‘when did I move in here, the actual day; it was sometime in (detail removed by moderator) …’ in my partner’s case it would mean he can hang on here until it suits him to move out and on to the next poor unsuspecting woman.

[KIP.]

Get some legal advice but also think about changing the locks when he’s out and dumping his belongings with a mutual friend. Taking back control might just be the step you need to show him you mean business. Any signs of weakness and he will exploit them.

[StrongLife]

I think the ex was cheating on me in end. There was lady calling on phone who appeared in vulnerable position. I don’t know – nothing was ever said but looking at it now I would say so. I know he went over there and had no idea and he told me later. It was all to circumspect

[Author]

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