Tagged: 

Viewing 21 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #153608
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice please. My sister has literally just rang me and my estranged husband messaged her (detail removed by Moderator).

      As many of you were already know from my previous posts he uses a lot of emotional manipulation and guilt and lies. He has made all sorts of claims up in the past that aren’t true just to get contact. I don’t know if this is just one of those other times & I feel sick and anxious about what to do. I don’t want to contact him really but I feel in such a state. Is this more manipulative behaviour??? I don’t want him turning up at my house either 😞😢😫 please help x

    • #153613
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      It’s very hard as it pulls on my emotions ( I guess that’s what it’s intended to do) I feel like I’m being pulled in two 😫 x

    • #153614
      Strongenough
      Participant

      If its unwanted contact then its stalking. Sorry to be so direct as I know your emotions are involved but I feel you need clarity on that.

      I’m not sure of your situation (children etc), but if you have said you want no contact then he shouldn’t be contacting you outwith your agreement. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him whatever the situation. Sorry your experiencing this as I know its difficult.

    • #153615
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Hi strongenough, we have no children & have been estranged for (detail removed by Moderator) years now. He has used lots of emotional manipulation, guilt, suicidal threats to try & get what he wants & often plays the victim. He knows my buttons to press & this has been pointed out to me by my therapist, friends & GP. He has made up lots of stories, claims none of which have been true or they have been hugely exaggerated.

      I guess the point is I never know & it’s true this time as he’s like the boy who cried wolf. It’s just triggered me & I feel anxious but also guilty if it’s true & I don’t contact him & a bit sorry for him too. It’s messed with my head.

    • #153619
      Strongenough
      Participant

      He is responsible for himself Sparklewand, you cannot control what he chooses to do. You have a right to a peaceful life. There are plenty of agencies out there he can get help and support from, this is not on you. Take some time today to process what has happened. Its understandable you feel triggered. I would consider reporting any unwanted contact to the police, they can also do a welfare check on him so you don’t need to get involved. If you don’t want to report this to the police then keep a note of everything, you will need all details should you want to report him in future.

    • #153620
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Strongenough I think I find it difficult as he’s saying (detail removed by Moderator) & he wants me to call him. He’s said stuff like this before about himself, the cat etc but I always think that if it’s true this time. I know history would say it’s not true & its manipulation or exaggeration at best 😞

    • #153641
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Ive been mulling it over & it feels like manipulation to me & I don’t want to check it out by contacting his parents as it will be like pouring fuel on the fire & if it’s not true I will get a backlash. If the past is anything to go by then there may be a grain of truth in (detail removed by Moderator) but there is probably lots of exaggeration in what he said. He’s like the boy who cried wolf with all his tall stories and claims 😥 I just worry in case there is any truth to it 😢 x

    • #153642
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      I relate to this a lot. My ex is always a victim in his own life. Something always happens to him that is worse than happens to anyone else and he is never able to get help. He always contacts me and tries to reel me into talking to him. Like you I feel like he is the boy who cried wolf because one of these days it probably will be that bad. But I am trying really hard right now not to get dragged in. This is how he gets me in and then he’ll start criticising me and the truth is, he doesn’t want help, from me or anyone else. He just wants someone to take it out on.
      Good luck to you x

    • #153646
      Hereforhelp
      Participant

      My husband (now estranged) tried lots of tactics when we separated, suicide threats which I reported to the police as I couldn’t be sure if he .eant it or not, the police did a welfare check and suddenly the suicide threats stopped (It also puts a boundary in place), also have you thought about speakinh to your GP?
      They contact family yo keep themselves firmly planted in your life, if you say no and he continues to turn up (that’s stalking) or keep phoning you or your family (that’s harrassment). He is responsible for his own behaviour ❤️

    • #153649
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Tiredofitall- he sees himself as a victim & although he says the right thing regarding taking responsibility or changing his behaviours his actions say different. He doesn’t take responsibility & he wants me to fix him. I am a rescuer & throughout our relationship I have tried to do that 😥 over the last few years there have been so many tall stories about himself, family members etc designed to get a response from me. I guess it’s hard as I feel guilty & uncaring if I don’t respond.

    • #153650
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Hereforhelp- thank you, I have spoken to my estranged husbands GP on several occasions over the last few years and mine. It’s such a sad situation & the consequences of his actions. Yet he is somehow the victim & injured party. I have rang 999 on a few occasions regarding threats of suicide or statements that he has taken an overdose. He has done & said lots of very dramatic and emotional things over the last few years. It’s hard to know what’s true & what isnt. I just feel really sad and stuck with it all x

      • #153659
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi Sparklewand

        It strikes me that you do not need to know if its true or not, or whether its just more manipulation, this is not for you to be working out. If you want to do something, then do as you have in the past, call 999 and let the professionals deal with him, also say the same to anyone else who tries to approach you on his behalf about what hes threatening and doing.

        If he was going to get help for himself he should have done it long ago, and if you could have changed it all for him that would have happened a long time ago. He really is the only one that can do this, for himself. In the same way it was only you that could make the decision to be apart, to have no contact. Noone could do that for you.

        He really isn’t your responsibility, children are, but other adults are not. You are a kind and caring person which is why you want to help, but the rules change when the help comes at such a cost to you, you have to protect yourself first.

        warmest wishes

        ts

    • #153676
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Twisted sister, thank you I know what you say is true & he is responsible for himself & seeking help. I think I still try to make sense & understand his behaviour as the whole situation is so senseless and sad. The going no contact was so hard for me to do & I only did it because he kept pushing/breaking boundaries. I just find it all so painful to accept. I know lots of us probably all feel the same regarding our marriages/relationships. I just wish I could switch off my emotions, feelings & memories 😥

    • #153744
      StrongLife
      Participant

      Wanted to give you support. I had similar things happen with family members to nth degree.

      Can you keep your family informed ?

    • #153759
      Camel
      Participant

      OK. They’re not ‘tall stories’ they’re lies. He’s not ‘crying wolf’ he’s lying. It’s not exaggeration, it’s lying…

      He has no shame when he’s found out. He doesn’t care who he upsets. He doesn’t see anything wrong in tying up emergency services when he fakes suicide.

      Yes, it’s manipulation. He keeps doing it because it works.

      Yes, it’s sad, but it’s all his doing.

      Keep strong. x

    • #153761
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Whatever he’s said it’s really not your problem anymore. He’s been very devious; he can’t contact you directly so he’s contacted you in another way. No contact means no contact. He needs to understand this. Ask your family to block him. If they dont want to do that then ask them not to pass any messages on. They must not allow themselves to be his flying monkeys.

      There are so many genuine people who need the help and compassion of someone like you. Don’t waste your precious gifts on this man anymore.

    • #153796
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Stronglife, yes my family know, they are supportive of me but struggle as to why I get upset still. I think most of my friends & family just think he’s a waste of space. It’s hard as they are not emotionally involved or have had the relationship with him. It’s not easy at all.

    • #153797
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Camel. Yes that’s all true & I don’t respond to it & my sister hasn’t either. It’s really sad that it’s happening & that it’s come to this. I think I worry that on one of these occasions he’ll be telling the truth 😥 I wish I could switch off from him.

    • #153798
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Eggshells- it is devious but he’d say it was desperation because he’s got no other way of contacting me. When he says things like that I feel guilty & sad & sorry for him, even though he doesn’t deserve it. It’s like he’s the victim & im the bad guy 😞

    • #153800
      Camel
      Participant

      I expect he manages to contact you just about when you’ve managed to switch off from him?? They’re good at that…

      His ‘desperation’ isn’t an attractive quality. Refusing to leave you alone shows he is only concerned with his needs and wants. He doesn’t care how you feel. It’s about winning.

      Don’t feel sorry for him. Your leaving him doesn’t make him a ‘victim’. Nor does it make you the bad guy. Relationships break down every day and most people cope.

    • #153801
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Camel, thankyou, you are saying all the things I’d say to someone else and they are true. It’s so much easier from the outside looking in isn’t it, we can see things much more clearly without the effect of emotions, history & memories 😞

    • #153805
      Camel
      Participant

      Yeah, it is easier for outsiders 🙂 Whilst you remember the good times, all I see is a really irritating, obsessive, emotional leech 😁 Sorry…

    • #153834
      Sparkle wand
      Participant

      Camel, that’s spot on, if you or someone else wrote this post I’d think the same. I think it’s hard to get your head around it all & I try and make sense of or understand it (although that will never happen) like I said I wish I could switch off my emotions and memories as they cloud my thinking. I really appreciate your honesty though, thank you 😊

Viewing 21 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2024 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content