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Hi ladies, I could really do with some advice please. My sister has literally just rang me and my estranged husband messaged her (detail removed by Moderator).
As many of you were already know from my previous posts he uses a lot of emotional manipulation and guilt and lies. He has made all sorts of claims up in the past that aren’t true just to get contact. I don’t know if this is just one of those other times & I feel sick and anxious about what to do. I don’t want to contact him really but I feel in such a state. Is this more manipulative behaviour??? I don’t want him turning up at my house either 😞😢😫 please help x
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If its unwanted contact then its stalking. Sorry to be so direct as I know your emotions are involved but I feel you need clarity on that.
I’m not sure of your situation (children etc), but if you have said you want no contact then he shouldn’t be contacting you outwith your agreement. He is an adult and you are not responsible for him whatever the situation. Sorry your experiencing this as I know its difficult.
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Hi strongenough, we have no children & have been estranged for (detail removed by Moderator) years now. He has used lots of emotional manipulation, guilt, suicidal threats to try & get what he wants & often plays the victim. He knows my buttons to press & this has been pointed out to me by my therapist, friends & GP. He has made up lots of stories, claims none of which have been true or they have been hugely exaggerated.
I guess the point is I never know & it’s true this time as he’s like the boy who cried wolf. It’s just triggered me & I feel anxious but also guilty if it’s true & I don’t contact him & a bit sorry for him too. It’s messed with my head.
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He is responsible for himself Sparklewand, you cannot control what he chooses to do. You have a right to a peaceful life. There are plenty of agencies out there he can get help and support from, this is not on you. Take some time today to process what has happened. Its understandable you feel triggered. I would consider reporting any unwanted contact to the police, they can also do a welfare check on him so you don’t need to get involved. If you don’t want to report this to the police then keep a note of everything, you will need all details should you want to report him in future.
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Strongenough I think I find it difficult as he’s saying (detail removed by Moderator) & he wants me to call him. He’s said stuff like this before about himself, the cat etc but I always think that if it’s true this time. I know history would say it’s not true & its manipulation or exaggeration at best 😞
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Ive been mulling it over & it feels like manipulation to me & I don’t want to check it out by contacting his parents as it will be like pouring fuel on the fire & if it’s not true I will get a backlash. If the past is anything to go by then there may be a grain of truth in (detail removed by Moderator) but there is probably lots of exaggeration in what he said. He’s like the boy who cried wolf with all his tall stories and claims 😥 I just worry in case there is any truth to it 😢 x
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I relate to this a lot. My ex is always a victim in his own life. Something always happens to him that is worse than happens to anyone else and he is never able to get help. He always contacts me and tries to reel me into talking to him. Like you I feel like he is the boy who cried wolf because one of these days it probably will be that bad. But I am trying really hard right now not to get dragged in. This is how he gets me in and then he’ll start criticising me and the truth is, he doesn’t want help, from me or anyone else. He just wants someone to take it out on.
Good luck to you x -
My husband (now estranged) tried lots of tactics when we separated, suicide threats which I reported to the police as I couldn’t be sure if he .eant it or not, the police did a welfare check and suddenly the suicide threats stopped (It also puts a boundary in place), also have you thought about speakinh to your GP?
They contact family yo keep themselves firmly planted in your life, if you say no and he continues to turn up (that’s stalking) or keep phoning you or your family (that’s harrassment). He is responsible for his own behaviour ❤️ -
Tiredofitall- he sees himself as a victim & although he says the right thing regarding taking responsibility or changing his behaviours his actions say different. He doesn’t take responsibility & he wants me to fix him. I am a rescuer & throughout our relationship I have tried to do that 😥 over the last few years there have been so many tall stories about himself, family members etc designed to get a response from me. I guess it’s hard as I feel guilty & uncaring if I don’t respond.
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Hereforhelp- thank you, I have spoken to my estranged husbands GP on several occasions over the last few years and mine. It’s such a sad situation & the consequences of his actions. Yet he is somehow the victim & injured party. I have rang 999 on a few occasions regarding threats of suicide or statements that he has taken an overdose. He has done & said lots of very dramatic and emotional things over the last few years. It’s hard to know what’s true & what isnt. I just feel really sad and stuck with it all x
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Hi Sparklewand
It strikes me that you do not need to know if its true or not, or whether its just more manipulation, this is not for you to be working out. If you want to do something, then do as you have in the past, call 999 and let the professionals deal with him, also say the same to anyone else who tries to approach you on his behalf about what hes threatening and doing.
If he was going to get help for himself he should have done it long ago, and if you could have changed it all for him that would have happened a long time ago. He really is the only one that can do this, for himself. In the same way it was only you that could make the decision to be apart, to have no contact. Noone could do that for you.
He really isn’t your responsibility, children are, but other adults are not. You are a kind and caring person which is why you want to help, but the rules change when the help comes at such a cost to you, you have to protect yourself first.
warmest wishes
ts
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Twisted sister, thank you I know what you say is true & he is responsible for himself & seeking help. I think I still try to make sense & understand his behaviour as the whole situation is so senseless and sad. The going no contact was so hard for me to do & I only did it because he kept pushing/breaking boundaries. I just find it all so painful to accept. I know lots of us probably all feel the same regarding our marriages/relationships. I just wish I could switch off my emotions, feelings & memories 😥
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OK. They’re not ‘tall stories’ they’re lies. He’s not ‘crying wolf’ he’s lying. It’s not exaggeration, it’s lying…
He has no shame when he’s found out. He doesn’t care who he upsets. He doesn’t see anything wrong in tying up emergency services when he fakes suicide.
Yes, it’s manipulation. He keeps doing it because it works.
Yes, it’s sad, but it’s all his doing.
Keep strong. x
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Whatever he’s said it’s really not your problem anymore. He’s been very devious; he can’t contact you directly so he’s contacted you in another way. No contact means no contact. He needs to understand this. Ask your family to block him. If they dont want to do that then ask them not to pass any messages on. They must not allow themselves to be his flying monkeys.
There are so many genuine people who need the help and compassion of someone like you. Don’t waste your precious gifts on this man anymore.
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I expect he manages to contact you just about when you’ve managed to switch off from him?? They’re good at that…
His ‘desperation’ isn’t an attractive quality. Refusing to leave you alone shows he is only concerned with his needs and wants. He doesn’t care how you feel. It’s about winning.
Don’t feel sorry for him. Your leaving him doesn’t make him a ‘victim’. Nor does it make you the bad guy. Relationships break down every day and most people cope.
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Camel, that’s spot on, if you or someone else wrote this post I’d think the same. I think it’s hard to get your head around it all & I try and make sense of or understand it (although that will never happen) like I said I wish I could switch off my emotions and memories as they cloud my thinking. I really appreciate your honesty though, thank you 😊
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