29th December 2015 at 5:33 pm #6744
I’ve been gone for a few months. He’s emailed me constantly. Tried every trick in the book. He’s made out to people I abused him. I stupidly played into his hands and wrote a Facebook status about domestic abuse thinking if would make people realise the truth. He text my sister I later found out and because I’d had an arguement with her she validated all the c**p he was saying by slagging me off to him. He’s an amazing manipulator and caught her at a bad moment. But because I am already wracked with self doubt This has made it worse. I just feel so betrayed. Be was emailing me the next day begging to meet and saying he wants to get help.I just can’t stand it. I’m doing everything I can to hold on to my truth but he is manipulating everyone he can
29th December 2015 at 6:09 pm #6746MaggieParticipant
Hello there, my husband is doing the exact same hes convincing people im the crazy one, which i am distraught about hes kept me at arms lenght from his family and friends but hes made out ive not washed and ironed for him, cooked for him, bought him toiletries etc hes made out im some hard faced money grabber but in actual fact im the complete opposite i feel like telling my side of the story but i dont want to evoke arguments, his mother is his backbone i dont know what to do either it makes you doubt yourself x
29th December 2015 at 6:35 pm #6747
His family all cut me off when I left which was fine although hurt. I stupidly put my side across on social media because I literally couldn’t stand it. My brother in law and sister still maintain contact. It’s so hurtful it makes me question myself. Because I retaliated on occasion he uses that as justification. It’s so hard I never expected some of the people closest to me to be manipulated by him especially when they saw his aggression
29th December 2015 at 7:00 pm #6749MaggieParticipant
Its really hard it makes you realise you are even more isolated and even harder when you really dont have to convince the people because they know what hes like but for whatever reason they belive him listen to him and support him x
29th December 2015 at 7:46 pm #6753Falling SkysParticipant
Mine is very good at looking a victim and I’m the b****h for h**l. Its just a normal tactic of abusers because we know in their eyes they are never wrong.
The truth will out, you can fool people for a while and when he can’t abuse you he will have to abuse someone else.
At least you have leant your lesson with social media. I find it so hard not to write all over the place what he’s put me through. But I don’t but one day it will come out and these people that have side3d with him will hid their head in shame.
I blame myself as well, but did we ask for abuse? No. Its them, not us at fault.
Stay strong xx
29th December 2015 at 7:57 pm #6757RedheadParticipant
My ex tried to convince me the reason I was feeling so depressed and emotional was because I had PTSD from when I served (removed by moderator), I had nothing of the sort! Don’t get me wrong I saw some terrible things out there, but it’s funny how as soon as I was brave enough to leave him it was like that heavy black cloud hanging over me had simply gone…it was him making me depressed and the relationship, but for so long he had me convinced it was PTSD, oh and I got called bipolar quite often aswell. The way they treat you will have your emotions and mental well being all over the place but that’s because of them! Not our own sanity! As long you know in yourself that it’s only them that’s cause the dark cloud and not your normal mental health then you will get through this. Confide in a friend you trust, or even write a letter explaining what their doing.
29th December 2015 at 8:11 pm #6758Falling SkysParticipant
Just remember I ask to be assessed by the mental health team, and the out come was nothing wrong with mentally it was his abuse causing my issues.
Good luck x
29th December 2015 at 9:02 pm #6763
Mine tried to lie and blame me to and I’m guessing some believe him of his new girlfriend does but it’s all lies.
I’m so lucky that people around us know he’s a liar and a cheat so the only people he actual have to believe his lies will be her, his family and a few of our/his friends but none of these people bother me any more. I do check with people I know what they believe and they almost laugh as its a b****y joke as they know he’s the fake controlling person.
I don’t put anything on FB but his girlfriend plasters FB with their life so when it eventually comes crashing down she’s going to look a right… Sorry I know i should feel for her but at the moment as she’s rubbing my face init I just can’t find the care for her in me.
Yea the truth will come out one day but what’s most important is you know the truth and can live with yourself – can he?
29th December 2015 at 9:02 pm #6764LadyfaceParticipant
Hello flower ready to bloom
I understand completely, I lived years with someone who constantly blamed me for everything, his actions his temper.
I left a few years ago, everyone said go back to him. But I was determined that me and my son would not live a life of misery and control. I would say I’m not going back…I will never go back…I’m free…..I had everyone saying u silly girl go back….but I refused…
Keep strong believe in yourself…I no its hard but you have strength keep going..
It gets easier x
Big hugs and love x
30th December 2015 at 7:19 am #6776
Thank god we have somewhere we can talk to keep us sane. I spent the last year of the relationship in councelling, at the gp begging for anti psychotic medication and entirely blaming myself. It just baffles me that I left my home, pets and belongings and the same people who witnessed his behaviour now stand by his side. People that have intervened physically and people that sat with me at the hospital. He’s telling them I won’t let him move on. I couldn’t care less! He has been the one begging me to go back or meet up and be friends. Keep strong ladies
30th December 2015 at 9:43 am #6779
I agree thank good we have this forum. Its awful that you ended up blaming yourself for this mans behavior and unfortunately they do up the anti so they feel better about themselves. I wonder how on earth they live with the lies and shear muck they live in, I just couldn’t cope and I know that would send me over the edge. I told him a lie about twice in the 2 decades we were together to protect myself and it ate me up so much I told the truth after about 2 days and my god i paid for it, he punished me and if we had an disagreement he would bring it up…
I had to leave my home, pet, stepdaughter, some friends and so much more but I still had my family and the friends who over the many years learnt that he inst a good man even though he is still portraying he is. The problem we have is they are soooooooo convincing its terrifying actually.
I wanted to let you know that I and other women on here have found Melanie Tonia Evans very helpful.She came from an abusive relationship herself so she gets it where lots of people don’t, well in my experience anyway. Like you she went for counselling to her GP etc. but nothing seemed to help… she is now thriving and doing really well.
She is on the internet and has lots of YouTube videos, things to read etc. I did join onto her newsletter which you get for about the first 15 days everyday which were really helpful and then the odd one after that. There is a bit of course to join and pay for if you want to but I havnt quite done this bit yet even though I do believe in what she says I worry when money is involved but I do think I may have to as I am on a slippery road down and Im holding onto a shoestring to stop myself from giving into this pain and either calling him which would be like murdering myself or just giving up and crumbling, Sometimes I want to run away or go to a retreat and get detoxed but I know this has to be healed from with in and no amount of running will heal the pain. Unlike the abusers who run all the time must be exhausting.
Try and cut off from the nastiness, I do know this is hard, as you know the truth and at the end of the day that is what matters and hopefully one day your ex will be exposed for the …………….. man that he is. Mine is exposed but he doesnt know this as everyone is still giving him the there there treatment even though he was the one that killed us. I just want this latest woman to see him for what he is then I think I will get my peace, that sounds really cruel but the things she has also done to me at the moment I dont care, I also know that she is influenced by him but this isnt the first time she has broken relationships, see now Im going to feel for her and say she must also be soooooo insecure and wounded that she fell for his Mr charming act.and is now in-fore a rough ride. then I think nope she will change him, blah blah blah.
Blimey sorry I ranted on a bit. Keep posting.
Lots of love
30th December 2015 at 10:34 am #6780
Tara they will never change. I was on tinder this morning and his face popped up. My gut reaction was relief. Relief that he may find some other supply. How awful is that! From early on in our relationship he was checking my messages and still holds it against me that he found a message from 3 yrs prior to me even meeting him to another man. Only last week he brought it up as justification for his insecurities. How is that even rational? And I’m the mental one. When you say it out loud it’s almost laughable. Unfortunately I’m beginning to get that nothing I say or do will make people understand who choose not to. I just hope that one day he exposes himself for the manipulative controlling bully he is and I find peace that we all do
30th December 2015 at 10:34 am #6781
Ps typo sorry I missed the m in tamra
30th December 2015 at 12:46 pm #6785
Dont worry about typo 🙂
Its just awful what they do. So relief your saw him because you know he will leave you alone or because it shows hes not happy? Its so awful but I dont want him to change and I want him to show his true colours so I dont look like the person he is portraying but I do know the true deep down.
Its funny as Im sad mine has moved on Its like a knife going though my soul even though he is so controlling and in the end I wont miss it but I do right now very strange. He is showing the world hes happy and its all over FB by his girlfriend. so I think people will get the massage ‘Tamra was a rubbish girlfriend because he looks so happy now’ and they will believe his lies about me. My friend said that they look fake as he is in his late (detail removed by Moderator)‘s and she quite a bit younger in her (detail removed by Moderator)‘s but I think that is to make me feel better – my god the trust has gone out of my body and I have become so paranoid – I just want to run away
30th December 2015 at 1:12 pm #6787
Relief he appears to be moving on. Tamra read all you can on manipulative behaviour. I find it helps but still need the understanding of people in the same situation. I have no doubt he will plaster his next relationship all over Facebook as your ex has. Don’t let that fool you. They put you on a pedal stool in the beginning. If yours was anything like mine it won’t take long for the irrational jealous and manipulation to creep in. I’m sure they’ll be the perfect partners to begin with if only to further attempt to justify that we were the crazy ones to themselves and others. Their masks will slip because that’s all it is a mask. It’s not real. Xx
30th December 2015 at 1:46 pm #6788
Glad you feel relief I dont feel that yet but if they finish I may do then but I have a feeling they wont and very soon he will ask her to marry him. He said to me if I was a ‘good girl’ for 6 months he would ask me but of course I never made it to 6 months however he did say on lots of occasions that he would find someone else and show me what a ‘real’ relationship should be like. Also during the split he said on a few times what do you want to get married? – like a girl wants to be asked like that. I had a few options – go to court, sort things out to avoid court, get married or have 4 children. also when I asked how would I know you wouldnt do this again he said because ‘Im nearly (age removed by Moderator)‘ my thoughts where oh not because you love me them, god it makes me laugh sometimes.
I have read loads of stuff almost hooked hahahahaha, I like the stuff Melanie Toina Evans writes about as its a lot to do with the understanding and then how we can heal. I think at the moment I still like to understand the meaning behind manipulation though as maybe it gives me some kind of justification. Like you I also think its helps needing people who actually understand what we are going though as in the outside world people ‘just’ want me to get on with life and be happy – like that is going to happen after years and years of this abuse.
When I read some stuff on the mask slipping It hit me like a bolt and this was shown in the first few months our us being together – he said that he had to have sex with his wife, yes we were having an affair and I kick myself even today for doing that and even though I would love to say he hooked me in was I was valuable even though true its still an excuse. After about 6 months and he left his wife by then the mask fell off I think and he was terrible after that making me beg for forgiveness, making me wait till he was ready, put his hand in my face when I was crying and saying sorry and he would say ‘Im not ready’, make me beg on the phone, he would go off to his own house and let me beg or chase him oh my god as I write this I can feel the agony.
I dont know if his mask has fallen off with the new woman yet however when they were first together we did have lots of sex and still living together, I remember after they had been on holiday (nice) we had sex and just before he had a message from her and in the beginning it had the word ‘sorry’ so I said to him this might change whats about to happen …. has just messaged you and he said oh well and carried on with me, again nice!!!!
He also said that they sort their arguments out like adults not like we do and my gut feeling was you mean she goes along with what you say! then it crossed my mind that for them to have disagreements so early on it cant be that great for her. this is where I struggle as I feel that this is fantasy stuff just to make me feel better and they will be ok really or will she hit the hard rock like I did. Its hard to know because me and her are different people.
Oh goodness sorry I have ranted on Im not having a very good day today so Im off loads all over the place
30th December 2015 at 2:53 pm #6791
It’s good to rant and get it all out. Of course it hits the pit of my stomach that rather than address his issues he would move on. But when I rationalise it of course he would because he sees it as the easy option and because he has no self awareness and is blaming me. Just trying hard to focus on myself. But to be honest seeing him with a 7 yr old pic on tinder has put me off as there must be so many other fakes on there how do we move on and learn to trust again
30th December 2015 at 4:00 pm #6793tobehappyParticipant
Hi there. They will do everything they can to blame you and, yes, people will believe them. The trick is to stop caring what other people think. Let him say what he wants. You are in control of what you do, say and how you act.
If you don’t have children together then I would simply block him phone , email, social media. If tou do have kids like me then keep contact to a bare minimum. We only communicate through a contact book and text in an emergency. There is a record of everything. If he chooses to send threats and insults then I do not respond. It was very hard in the beginning because you just want to get you side across but I found the more you say the more they have to use against you.
I now only respond to fact, something necessary, with a simple answer in as few words as possible (so there is less for him to sabotage). If there was something else written that needed following up I call my mum, or the helpline to discuss or I get advice/support for my kids at school. I do everything to protect me and my kids and he gets nothing.
I have made my peace with him having a go. If it gets too serious I go to the police. I just make a note that there is now another piece of evidence…proof that he is what I think he is. He changes his story/argument from one day to the next but I can read back to prove to myself that I didn’t forget and I’m not going mad. Act with integrity, do not act out of spite, protect those who are close to you including yourself. Don’t give him anything to use against you. In time people will see him running around badmouthing and you simply getting on with things. The ones who matter will see the truth the others don’t deserve to be in your life.
Never forget that you have managed to carry on with your life despite what he does. Surely that makes you far stronger and more determined than many others!x
31st December 2015 at 6:58 am #6840
Tobehappy that is amazing advice. That is going to be my focus. Thank you xx
31st December 2015 at 5:57 pm #6853SerenityParticipant
They will believe him… At first, because he is an expert liar and charmer.
However, just as with you, his self-cent redness will show through over time, whoever he spends time with, his lack of empathy, his manipulation, will become evident to many.
The annoying thing is, this could take 1 year or 10, send you can’t sit around waiting for others to have the veil lifted.
The more you are able to cut off caring what people think and invest that energy in caring for yourself, the more people will believe you, funnily enough.
The best revenge against an abuser is to create a lovely life for yourself and leave them way behind, snivelling to themselves! At least, that is what I tell myself!
A friend of mine was married to an abuser who was excellent at charming people and playing the victim.
A year after they separated, she received an email from one of his best friends. He had secured a job at the same place as her ex, and was positioned at the desk next to him.
He emailed my friend to tell her that, seeing her ex day in and day out and how he treated other people, he only then understood how awful her ex really was….
2nd January 2016 at 6:40 pm #6989myfairyqueenParticipant
Oh god, this sounds like it’s a common pattern then. I left my partner weeks ago and he is trying to make me out to be the bad person saying I have had an affair, left him with loads of debts, I was abusive to him etc etc. My things are still at the house which I have left (along with my pet and step children) and I am worried he is going to damage them. My phone is under his contract so he has cut me off.
I’m hoping to get through this stage as soon as possible. I just don’t understand why people behave in this way.
Good luck everyone!
3rd January 2016 at 12:03 pm #7047foggyhereParticipant
Mine looked up the DSM IV criteria for borderline personality disorder, and then tried to convince mental health professionals I have it and should be hospitalised. Luckily they didn’t quite see it that way, and instead they treated me for emotional instability, which was massively helpful because it enabled me to step aside from his attempts to unstabilise me.
Then he did the worst (or in his option the best) discard strategy he could, and you bet I was unstable then. That was less than (removed by moderator) ago. I’ve had to be really strong, because now he doesn’t care about me or our daughter and he wants to get away with giving me as little money as possible, all the while being very charming to our daughter because of course I took her straight off the bargaining table and immediately agreed access with him.
He’s told a lot of people I’m completely mad, and I think he’s managed to get around our mediator. He’s lied about earnings already, but I know that to prove this I need to get a forensic accountant in, and I’m not sure that’s going to make financial sense, especially given that if we get to this point, it will be a very expensive divorce.
3rd January 2016 at 9:31 pm #7082Confused123Participant
It’s weird how it’s always our fault, reality is truth always comes out in end , people that r siding with him well there support for u has no value and u better of without them , it does hurt but try to remain strong and talk to us as much as u need to
3rd May 2018 at 3:22 pm #57940IwonParticipant
Classic abuser behaviour. I had this. He smeared my name everywhere. My kids school family friends. It nearly drove me insane…. I think I probably looked mad in the end. I had people I had never met verbally attack me.
I stood back. Remember who you are and were before him. You are still that good person. They badmouth you to control other people’s opinion of you when they have lost control of you….. meaning he has lost co tell if he is using this tactic. You won. You escaped xxxx
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