He’s dangerous. I can’t hand my kids over.

[Ziggy]

Hi everyone

I’m out, more or less. And I’m struggling.

However bad I thought it was, now I’m out, omg it was much worse than I realised.

My abuser is a man that doesn’t like to get his hands dirty. You know, he’d start play fighting and suddenly slam my head(detail removed by moderator). He’d “accidentally” bang my arm into the door. He manipulated me into taking an overdose when I was feeling very low, and then sat and coldly stared at me (detail removed by moderator)  forcing me to throw up, when I starting to lose consciousness.

He’d give me  (detail removed by moderator) medication, to basically sedate me (detail removed by moderator). On one occasion, I came round to him having sex with me.

When his dad (also an abuser) was (detail removed by moderator), he screamed for help. My abuser told me that he just (detail removed by moderator) – he didn’t flinch, nevermind call ambulance. He did the same with me – there were times I was passed out on the floor or otherwise ill and he did absolutely nothing to help. Just left me.

I’m telling you this to give an idea of who this guy is. He’s not just angry, he’s an actual psychopath. He’s terrifying. But like I said, he needs people to believe he’s amazing, and never liked to get his hands dirty. As in, he never did things directly. Always masked.

I’m out, but we have kids together. He speaks to them briefly every week via video call. He has now decided he wants to see the kids.

How can I hand my kids over to a man that I, an adult woman, am not safe with? They genuinely don’t even know what a dad is, they’re only young. I would rather they went and found him themselves when they’re old enough and have that desire themselves.

One of my children is only a few years old and is showing struggles with anxiety – he’s lived through some of the abuse.

I’m having flashbacks and am struggling with PTSD. I am literally shaking just doing these video calls for the kids. Never mind meeting. If I go through contact centre, they will build it up for them to eventually go out with him alone, etc. They are absolutely not safe in their care.

I have decided to cut him out and let the kids choose to go find him when they are older. But I don’t know what to do or how to do it. I don’t want to push him and end up in court, but I know it could go that way. He’s made clear he doesn’t want the kids (he’s only ever shown interest in me) but he sees life as a game and doesn’t like to lose. So if I take a step against him he will become determined to break me.

I’m sorry, idk if this all even makes sense. I’m just desperate for some advice on the matter.

Thank you so much.

[Lisa]

Hi Ziggy

I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling, you have been through so much and the abuse you have described is awful, you didn’t deserve any of that. If you haven’t already, you could think about getting some support from your local domestic abuse service or Rape Crisis.

It’s understandable that you are concerned about the safety of your children if he was to have contact with them. You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with especially when you don’t think it’s safe.  You could inform social services, and also get some legal advice around this. Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre is a unique, independent national charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480, 8am – 6pm, Mon – Fri. The Children’s Legal Centre has a website at http://childlawadvice.org.uk/

Take care and please keep posting,

Lisa

[diymum@1]

Ok I was once in this situation too and my daughter dosent see him now. If you show him your not in the picture for contact he might back off xx my ex certainly did. Make it clear handover can be kept at the contact centre they let me do that I had to fight for it tho. It will be third party communications ur out xx and you don’t have to have anything to do with him however by offering something your being reasonable in the circumstances. If your child I’d showing signs of anxiety documenting it with the doctor and health visitor is a good idea xx he might push for court but as above stand your ground xx he wants to get to you if he can’t get that they tend to give up xx it panned out this way for us xx

[Watersprite]

Hi Ziggy no words of advice really as my kids have no contact BUT I want to show empathy and send you a hug completely get where you are coming from – it’s a nightmare. Best words of advice I was given to deal with these types every time they cross a boundary you have to keep putting another one up. It’s exhausting but necessary they keep on finding new ways but you just keep on. You are brave and stand firm in your power. Social services massively helped us x*x

[Author]

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