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    • #134136

      I was doing great. Had my hair done, feeling more positive. Still had down days, still missed him, still sad sometimes, but hadn’t properly sobbed for a couple of weeks. Changed my photo on social media (we’re not even friends or following each other any more) and within an hour he’s messaging me saying how good I look, how tempting it is. How easy it would be to meet up again for some fun, as long as I understand we couldn’t get back together!

      I said no, I couldn’t do it, and that I needed more time without talking to him to properly heal. He was annoyed that one of male friends made a nice comment about my picture, and asked if I’d been talking to him. I have, but only as friends, but he was still obviously really annoyed about it. I ended the conversation by asking again for him to give me more space so I can get over him properly. The next day he sent me a video of himself speaking at an event. He knew exactly what he was doing because I ended up sobbing watching it. He was great, charismatic, charming, funny, all the stuff he is to the outside world. It made me pine for him all over again, forget everything my conscious self knows only too well, and tell him how much I love him!

      Of course, he’s now loving the opportunity to tell me how we can’t possibly get back together, it’s not meant to be, how I need to understand. Oh and how he’s also been talking to someone of the opposite sex “just like you have” he said.

      I’m so cross with myself. I was doing so well, feeling buoyant and confident and starting to enjoy life without him. And now I’ve crashed right back down into the pit of misery again, not sleeping, not feeling any joy, looking tired and ill.

    • #134138

      Oh my lovely. He’s playing you.

      Please block him and stop all contact. As long as he can access you he’ll keep doing this too you.

      What you’ve written reminds me of a cat toying with a mouse.

      I know it can be hard but going non-contact is the only way.

    • #134142

      Hey, no experience is wasted if we learn from it. And this is a good lesson. Abusers like nothing more than having the intimate power of discard. They know how confusing and painful it is. But you have the chance to take that power back by blocking him on everything and going total zero contact. It’s your way of getting some sort of closure. Your way of saying that you know his game and you won’t play it anymore. His game is a game you won’t win so why play it? It’s your way of saying he not worthy of being in your life so start by blocking him on social media and deleting any for of contact. It’s going to be hard but just remember what it felt like when he stomped on your heart and don’t ever give him that opportunity again x you were doing well and you know you can get back to that place, wiser this time x good riddance to bad rubbish. If he persists in contacting you then please call the police. Sometimes we have to burn bridges to prevent us going back over them.

    • #134154

      Thanks both. I did have him blocked, then I watched some videos/read some stuff that said when you block malignant narcissists (which I’m 99.9% sure he is as he fits ALL the criteria) it can make them rage. I didn’t want him turning up on the doorstep so figured unblocking was the lesser of two evils. But I know it made me vulnerable. It’s amazing how he has the power to make me forget everything bad he did and doubt myself. But I guess that’s what they all do!

    • #134190
      Wants To Help

      What a horrible man! The first word that came to mind is probably not really suitable (rhymes with anchor) so ‘horrible man’ will have to do…

      I agree with eggshells, this is like a cat playing with a mouse. The CCB of Alternating Punishment/Reward comes to mind here, the ‘reward’ being he is complimenting you on your new look and how good you look, which gets your heart racing and your hopes up, but he then takes this away and your ‘punishment’ is that he rejects you again which will leave you feeling unattractive and unworthy. Very, very, cruel, manipulative tactics designed to mess with your head and feelings.

      Please disengage with his friend too, and any friend of his. They are not your allies and will be feeding stuff back to him about you. In a way, you may subconsciously be hoping that they do so that you get a reaction from him, but his reactions (as you have found out) are making you feel worse and setting you back. Change your profile settings to private/friends only, change your public photo to one of an inanimate object or animal. Just because you are no longer ‘friends’ or ‘following’ each other on social media doesn’t mean he can’t see your posts. How does he know what comment his friend left on your picture? You need to be aware of all of these tactics that will be used – his friends screenshotting your photos or comments and then sending them to him in a private message. Any private messages you may be exchanging with his friends I can guarantee they will be forwarding on to him one way or another, be assured he will be keeping tabs on what you are up to and how you are feeling about him in all sorts of sneaky ways.

      As KIP says, as long as we learn from our experiences it’s not a lesson wasted, so take a deep breath and start again 🙂

      • #134217

        Thanks, yes it does rhyme with “anchor”, also “mastered” and “punt”. Thanks for making me laugh 😂

        It was actually one of my male friends that commented, not his, I just missed that bit out. He’s blocked now and my pic is of something that symbolises joy, so if he logs on with another account or something he’ll get the message! What an anchor indeed x

    • #134195
      Grey Rock

      Gah. The head games!! Yes, block him and post on here whenever you feel tempted to unblock him and see if he’s messaged (which you’re likely to as we become hypervigilant).

      I used to not want to block him because
      A. I didn’t want to antagonize him
      B. I had a notion that it was better the devil I knew than the one I didn’t
      C. It was hard to tear my eyes away from the train crash that was the end of our relationship

      In the end I realized that unless he was blocked
      He was able to stalk me online (even down to using fb marketplace ads I posted as a way of goading me / collecting contacts for his smear campaign / figuring out where I’d moved to etc
      Also he could work my emotions like I was a b****y puppet. Crying and threatening suicide if I didn’t go round to see him / voicing concerns about neighbours pets that I’d cared about / threats / pleas / empty apologies – I say empty because he could never tell me what he was apologizing for or showed and intent to change his ways / updating me on new relationships or encounters / accusations of me cheating on him (unfounded) / trying to get me to revoke the no_cobtact Court order (like he took any notice of that anyway) etc etc etc
      My only way to empower myself with him is to ignore him and maintain that Grey Rock exterior, and not blocking him was like handing him a hammer to bash me with. Blocking him took away his power.

      (removed by moderator) months in and suddenly I got a message asking why I unblocked him. W*F??!! That was the first I knew that the block had somehow stopped. Jeez Louise, that stopped my heart for a second I must admit. Anyway, the block went back on and I resisted the urge to send him something nasty back (in the past I’d done that and got a message back along the lines of”well at least we’re talking again now” (facepalm!!!)

      Oooo, they’re proper horrible these men!!


      • #134218

        It’s amazing isn’t it? They all sound like the same person. Mine used to make me feel sorry for him all the time, his favourite subject is himself and he has to win every game. That’s all our relationship ever was to him I think, a game.

        They really are!

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