15th February 2016 at 8:47 am #9707
OK so I know I’m pathetic – stupid – weak and this is such a ridiculous situation to get myself in to……
He is on holiday [removed by moderator] when he rang to make arrangements for having our son, he said “are you busy on [detail removed by moderator], you want to come to me for lunch”
I know most of you won’t understand how I could be so pathetic – but I just can’t say no to that man – despite being free of him for years now…..
I just couldn’t think up an excuse – not right there and then, on the spot. Plus he would just say come [detail removed by moderator] etc if I said no [detail removed by moderator].
I’m not scared of him – I’m in no danger – but I’d just rather NOT be there – I’m very rarely in a position where I’m alone with him at any time – my son is always there – I just feel ‘uncomfortable’ being alone with him, I’d just rather not be spending my time with him….
It’s not that I’m affraid of him, but I just don’t like to be forced into this position – its not MY CHOICE to be doing this – but obviously HE sees nothing wrong in us getting together for lunch – I’d just rather not be spending time alone with him.
BUT there is still this part of my brain that is ‘wired’ to know that I have to do as he wants – somehow – someday I want to be able to ‘disconnect’ that ‘wire’ – and actually be able to say no to him……
Sorry ladies I know I have let you down – and I know I’m a poor example to others who have only recently left, or are just leaving – I know most of you won’t understand how I can still be so pathetic as let myself get in to this position, years down the line – I’m disappointed in myself….
I just don’t like how he can STILL control me even though we don’t live together – and have not done for years……how I could let myself be trapped in to this situation that I know I still can’t go against his wishes……
Does anybody understand me…….
15th February 2016 at 9:19 am #9708Confused123Participant
No one thinks your stupid, your still just vunerable even after been out x years and he still has slight control over u. u realized its wrong to meet up with so thats good, just send text saying its better if we dont meet up.These men wil always try there luck its just about rembering what they did and why we left. Im really bad when my period is on my hormones are all over the place and i miss my ex like crazy, i have started to realize its only when myperiod on, when im most vunerable. I feel scared to tell my friends and families i miss him cause i know they will say what do u miss, and thats the truth when i sit back and ask myself that i know he can never respect me so why do i miss him, i deserve better like u, its just a craving we have that we wanted them to accept us, we have to accept they are abusers and htey can never treat us right. Put a stop to the meeting now , worse he will say is you messing him about or meet up another day,be strong and fight with your inner self and say its for the best if we dont . im only saying this to u cause this is what i have to say to myself to keep myself back , i fortuantely just get told to f off and im not worth it and was a waste of his time so i suppose it easier for me plus ive moved to another town but i know he still gets to me via kids, stay strong and focus on u realized it wrong , i know u scared to call him so just text him
15th February 2016 at 10:04 am #9712
Hi Confused123 – and thank you for taking the time to reply.
Unfortunately he does not know how to work a mobile and so I can’t text him, that is not an option. 🙁
I do remember what he did, and I do remember why I left – but I still can’t go against his wishes…..
I’m just not a strong person – I’m not a good example to others on here – sorry…..
It’s just 4 weeks ago when I posted ‘you’ll never believe what he’s done now’ – when he ‘announced’ he was coming to Parents Night – and I couldn’t say no then either – in the end my son saved the day and got us out of that tricky situation.
It’s just I have been ‘conditioned’ to know I must keep him happy, I must keep the peace, I must not make him mad, that’s how I had to live for the teens of years and even now X years down the line – I just CAN’T stop myself doing this.
I know its wrong to be spending time with him – and I DON’T WANT to be there.
He means nothing to me now – I don’t miss him at all – and I don’t WANT to spend any time in hid company.
BUT I just want to remain on decent speaking terms with him – and I just know if I go against his wishes he will be angry with me – and I hate falling out and ill-feeling between us – I just want a quiet peaceable life – on my own – free of him – I wish he’d just leave me alone – WHY does he think this is OK!!??!!
Cant we just remained on decent speaking terms – and NOT spend any time together. I honestly don’t do anything to encourage him or give him the impression that this is what I want.
But then it never ever WAS about what I wanted – he never could read my feelings and understand how I felt – it was always all about what HE wanted and never mind it was not what I wanted…….
I know none of my friends and family will understand HOW/WHY X years down the line I STILL feel I ‘have to’ do as he wants me to…..I know they would be SO disappointed in me for still remaining under his control Xyears after I left him.
I feel just like I did 4weeks ago when I was forced into letting him come to Parents Night – I feel panicky and stressy at the thought of not being able to get out of this…..
I know its only a bit of lunch – and I can go there, and sit and be pleasant for an hour an make my excuses and leave – it won’t be too bad – its just the fact he has taken the CHOICE away from me – I’M not in control of my own life…….
He’s got me to come by using the excuse he has been clearing out cupboards and wants to give me some stuff…..
Is there NOBODY else out there who is as weak and pathetic as me…..
15th February 2016 at 10:08 am #9713
15th February 2016 at 1:05 pm #9716
I’m so annoyed with myself – I’ve been getting so worked up over this – I can see no other option but go through with this – I feel like I’m letting myself down and everyone else too…..why-oh-why can’t I just stand up to him, speak my mind and just SAY what I want to do.
I’m SO embarrassed that I still let him control me.
I know its no big deal it’s only lunch in his house – but its just the principal of it – the fact is I DONT WANT to do this and I’m NOT happy about having to go through with it…….but I can see no way out……
15th February 2016 at 1:37 pm #9717Falling SkysParticipant
What a vile man. Make yourself a cuppa and breath.
This situation says nothing about how weak you are. It’s saying what an awful person he is.
Have you got a support worker you could ring or the wa number these will help.
All communications will my abuser and I is written. This has been the best way forward for me. No instance abuse and it stop me being manipulated into situations I’m uncomfortable with. Also it gives me time to think before I answer.
Not sure if this would help but a text message to a land line becomes verbal.
Good luck and stay strong
15th February 2016 at 2:44 pm #9720AyannaParticipant
You feel you are going to do it, but you do not want to do it. An ambivalence that is nerve wrecking….. When I am in a similar situation I go along with the request until the time comes and then I say I am sick all of a sudden and tell them how sorry I am. This gives me time to create more space between me and the person, the person cannot be angry, because sickness is an unpredictable event and I apologized. I have time to rethink everything and ask around for help, legal advice, find my strength, maybe even find a solution…..
15th February 2016 at 5:31 pm #9734SilkyHalideParticipant
Oh mixed up mum! You aren’t pathetic at all. I’m just the same. You say you aren’t scared of him but you are, its fear of the emotional attack rather than physical it’s just as valid. We just feel that to some outsiders it looks irrational.
They make us think they are being reasonable and changed, then as soon as we won’t agree to do what they want we are being unreasonable (they make us believe) so we either back down or get further attacked or threatened and even when we don’t back down we question ourselves afterwards. Am I being awkward, am I making him resort to whatever he’s threatening by not doing the right things?
It’s all the same b*llsh*t we got away from them for and they still do it using the children.
keep getting stronger, see if you can find why you have difficulty saying no, I’ve just found this through various counselling self help and lots of self reflection and taking risks saying no to other people etc. I don’t mean just to him there will be something in your past which makes it harder for you to say no to anyone and he’s just exploited it.
15th February 2016 at 5:52 pm #9736lover of no contactParticipant
I recently did the same but with a friend who I’m in a controlling relationship with. I’ve tried to lessen the times we meet up together on our own and just meet her as part of a group. I responded to her general text to me about meeting up as it had been so long, by suggesting we meet for lunch, even though I didn’t want to. I just ‘felt mean’ not responding to her general text. But like you, I so regretted organising to meet up as I’m in a bit of a cycle of abuse with her. I rationalized that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to meet her for an hour, that maybe I was stronger, that I could cope with her abusive ways and detach.
Well, I decided I would try new behaviour (which is uncomfortable for me) and not meet her. I remembered hearing the saying’ you’re allowed change your mind’. I texted I was sick, said it very politely and apolegetically like Ayanna said, and felt so relieved for not putting myself in an situation with an abusive person where I would come away feeling bad about myself.
Don’t meet him mixed up mum. Try new behaviour. It’ll feel uncomfortable because we’re not used to putting ourselves first. Try and leave hum a voicemail message that you’re unwell. We don’t even have to explain ourselves to an abusive person.
15th February 2016 at 6:38 pm #9740Confused123Participant
I know its hard to say no to these men but only u can do that, i can offer u loads of support and tips and i always will but u have to action the step, think u left him , u escaped so u can do this too, u just need support and encouragement, my x too says cant read so could never leave text message , leave text message, beleive me he will work out how to read and he will get some one to read to him, leave voice mail and if u cann get some one to call for u even better, when he talks to u just practice saying no, block evrything out he is saying and just over talk him say sorry no , no,no. I remember once when i was at a function he actually signalled me to walk out of room and eat with him, i had been (detail removed by Moderator) months out but felt so under pressure so did, please try and get strong and say no,he will only take advantage, next week he will start to say can i have tea at yours, stop this now , not saying its easy, but keep posting and we will try to support u
15th February 2016 at 9:58 pm #9749Eve1Participant
You’re not pathetic or stupid. I recognise that feeling of not being able to say no. That’s why no contact works best. I agree with all the others, find a way to not go. Evan saying you’re sick. It’s your choice to not go.
I hope you find a way.
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