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    • #114827
      siba
      Participant

      Hi everyone. It’s been a long time since I last felt the need for your support. My current situation is that I’m going through the divorce process but it’s been (detail removed by moderator) now and I feel like we’re making very little progress. We’re still in the same house because he refuses to move out and I legally can’t make him because he’s paid 50% of the mortgage. I can only make him leave once I have a (detail removed by moderator) and it’s agreed that I can keep it / buy it from him. The good thing is that he is no longer emotionally abusive towards me, but I still feel so controlled because we still live together and because he’s continuously late with his side of the divorce documentation. And there is nothing the solicitor can do to force him to be on time – they give him a deadline and he simply ignores it. He was months late on one deadline and I had to basically intervene and pester him to do it. Once again he is months overdue on the current deadline and I really don’t want to have to be pestering him again. We haven’t even begun to negotiate yet! This is all just paperwork so far. I feel like him dragging his feet is still about control and not letting me move on with my life. There is no way I can have friends, family or a boyfriend over with him constantly here. Covid has obviously made it worse because it gives him an excuse not to go see his family. I’m seeing someone at the moment but it’s difficult because I feel like I can’t be away too much in case the ex realises and makes this divorce process and living together even worse. He is deadly silent in his room and he keeps his door open so I always feel like he’s listening in on me so I avoid speaking on the phone in the evenings. I feel like he’s getting everything he wants at the moment and there’s nothing I can do about it! I’m desperate to move on with my life! At times I consider moving out because I can’t bear living with him still, but the solicitor has advised against it because it could give him more say in keeping the house. I’m totally trapped here.

    • #114852
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Just a quick drop in so apologies for the brief reply. Ask your solicitor to apply for a court date ASAP. Once this is done, the agenda is set and it should force him to move abit quicker. xx

    • #114867
      KIP.
      Participant

      Does your solicitor know there’s a history of abuse. It’s a very dangerous time for you just now. Yes it’s all about control. He’s happy to stay and drag things out as he’s got you exactly where he wants you. This could go on for years. Like the previous post it might be better just to get that court date in case you need it. You could get your solicitor to warn him that he is being obstructive and if he misses one more deadline they will use that letter to take him to court. Abusers don’t negotiate. They lie, promise, break promises, cheat, abuse, control, and thrive on your distress. It might cost more to go to court but your solicitor can ask the court to take into account your legal fees in the financial decision and award you costs.

    • #120163
      siba
      Participant

      Hi everyone, just a quick update for you. Well, we finally got his paperwork back (after many many months!) and it could have taken him all of 5 minutes to put together! He’s not detailed anything notable and he’s clearly been dangling the carrot of mediation in an attempt to delay this as long as possible. I’ve instructed my solicitor to (detail removed by moderator).

      I really don’t understand how he can be happy with the current situation. Why would anyone want to live in a house with someone who doesn’t want to be with them? He has another property he could move in to.

      I do feel angry that he’s led me along for this long, and that if I’d known he was not serious about mediation I could have (detail removed by moderator). Grrr!

    • #120166
      KIP.
      Participant

      He’s enjoying himself like a pig in muck and he will be staying there and dragging this all out for a long as he possibly can. Get a date for Court and that will focus his mind. It might cost extra but it will be worth it. He’s going nowhere and you can ask for the Judge to award your costs to him if he’s obstructing things. If there’s a separation date it might make it easier to divorce him due to the length of separation.

    • #120167
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      I had the same thing then it escalated to verbal abuse & violence and now twisting the truth to protest the divorce and living arrangements,divorces very slow at the moment too which isn’t helping .

    • #120171
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      Unfortunately, mediation usually doesn’t work when divorcing an abuser. What he’s doing is classic manipulation in these situations. Many men have kept divorce processes going for many years this way.
      I think pushing your solicitor to take all available steps including taking him to court might be the only option. It’s frustrating how the legal system can often enable abusers!

    • #120172
      Shaz
      Participant

      Hi Siba

      I am really sorry to hear this, there is some really helpful advice listed above.

      Just to say I feel your pain, please stick in there. I petioned for advice on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (emotional abuse), cited about (detail removed by moderator) of things he had done, and he has just come back and said (detail removed by moderator). Really angered me and made me think, what are we are meant to do in these situations? He was abusive, others could see it, my counseller could see it, yet he can just deny it ever happened and say (detail removed by moderator). I actually want it done as quickly as possible and so I will have to go to the (detail removed by moderator) separation route instead. As I see it he gets away with it and I hate it but the main thing for me is just getting it done so I don’t have to deal with him anymore.

      Anyway, just wanted to offer support to you at this time.

      Shaz

      • #120174
        KIP.
        Participant

        My ex dragged out the divorce so that he could divorce me (detail removed by moderator). Like you I wanted to divorce on his unreasonable behaviour but by the time the divorce came I’d have signed anything just to get rid of him. His behaviour by lying and denying and dragging things out is simply more unreasonable behaviour but the justice system isn’t helpful to victims. Your main goal is to untangle yourself from this abuser and the toxic behaviour. And get rid. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices but ultimately you’ll win by getting rid x

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