He’s driving me up the wall!!

[foggyhere]

He asked for a divorce. I told him he could file one after two years separation. No, he wants to be divorced straight away. So I told him to file one. He said no, that would make him look bad, I need to do it.

Initially I resisted. After realising the relationship was so unequal, especially after he used finances to try to push me to file, I decided to go ahead. Solicitor asked for some details on what made me unhappy whilst married to him. She said his behaviour was appalling and tried to refer me here. This was the first inkling I had that I had in fact been under coercive control. Blimey it really can creep up on you.

So I instructed a solicitor who has prior experience in dealing with his personality type to file an unreasonable behaviour divorce. Because I’ve never confronted him about his behaviour, she’s going to use grounds which whilst not being direct, will hint at what has happened.

Problem is I can’t pay her because he has sole access to our joint savings. I asked him to pay her. Was at mediation recently, and he seemed shocked that I was ready to move on and had plans and expectations that he would support my implementation of those. He lives very far away now. He wants to block me moving slightly further away so I can be near my family. Mediator told him that it was unlikely to be successful. I was shaking like a leaf.

Then later that day, he refused to pay for the divorce to be filed because he might not like the grounds. Everything points to him bring worried about being exposed. He tried to manipulate my solicitor to tell him what I’d said about him.

I’m having to put so much energy into fielding this behaviour. It helps in as much as I can see there is no doubt, he’s used to controlling me and launches psychological warfare when it doesn’t work. I’m so relieved he has no history of physical violence. But it’s so exhausting to keep fighting him, together with supporting our daughter through it (because he is not being reassuring to her at all) and devising a plan that gets me out from his financial control (the only mechanism he has left).

In need of virtual hugs and cheering from the sidelines 🙂

[White Rose]

He doesn’t want divorce/he does/he doesn’t/he’ll do it/you need to do it – all examples of his ongoing abuse. Could you wait the 2 years? Is that what YOU want? If so then wait. It will be a less stressful divorce that way I suspect!
Your finances are more tricky – you need to talk to someone about starting to get this sorted regardless of divorce, but it won’t be easy I’m sure. Like in my case refusal of access to money (or worse shifting joint assets into his sole name!) is part of DA, it’s financial abuse.
Womens aid gave me several numbers to ring for free financial advice and they were really helpful – give the helpline a ring and have a pen and lots of paper at the ready. One was DAME but I can’t find any links to them on line just lots of Dame Edna Everidge!
Citizens advice can also help. There’s also http://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/money-worries/ which looks good.
You probably need to talk to solicitor in more detail. They will have come across it before I’m sure and can advise regarding fees.
Good luck xx

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Foggy – oh its a minefield I’m quite sure indeed!!!!

I have never even thought about tackling that yet!! I just don’t feel ready, not mentally strong enough, and my head is not in the right place either.

I really have no idea how it all works, after 2 year what is it that happens?? I’m so ignorant about all this, I’m so stupid.

I do have a lawyer, but have heard nothing in months, but then I am in no hurry to get divorced as I said.

All I went to her for was to make sure I was safe enough to agree to what he wanted re our house.
He says he wants to keep the house, but can’t afford to pay me my share just now and if I will wait 5 years I will get it then,…I did not promise this & said we would review the situation in 2 years.

I guess its still me being comlpient, and too scared to go against his wishes, but at the same time I’m OK to wait, it does not bother me so long as I get what I’m due in the end.

Your ex is still trying to control every aspect of your life – deciding if/when you will get divorced!!!
He still had full control of YOUR money too – that needs to be sorted ASAP. If its a joint account you have every right to acess to it too. Your lawyer should have sorted that by now,

Chin up – keep going!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

[foggyhere]

One of the reasons you can give for a divorce is that you’ve been separated for two years and you both want a divorce. They call that a “no fault” divorce because you don’t have to say what went wrong with the relationship.

[foggyhere]

My solicitor is brilliant. I had to talk to a few. This one was right on the money. I walked in, explained he’d left very suddenly, seemed to have little interest in our daughter but then made a big deal about how he will see her for (detail removed by moderator) hours once a fortnight (hope someone else will award his medal for that, I’m done with all that). I said I was shocked because he seemed really nice, and none of this made sense, but anyway I understand I need a divorce so that I can use the courts to sort the money out, because he’d threatened to stop giving me money.

I told her I was in an extremely vulnerable financial situation, and I couldn’t quite understand how I got there because I’m very intelligent and well qualified, so I wanted to work but there always seemed to be a reason why I shouldn’t.

She squeezed my hand, gave me a funny looking wheel of da behaviours, and said she was going to get me a drink, take a look at that whilst she was gone.

This was actually the nicest way anyone has ever broached that subject with me. When she came back I just pointed to the coercive control section. She nodded and then explained the issues I might face divorcing him, because he will behave in a way I might not expect. She gave me so many tips on strategies I could use.

I hired her because she got it. My case is subtle. I have “n**********c abuse victim syndrome” – basically a fancy way of saying I have a lot of unrelated conditions that are commonly found with people who’ve been abused by someone who’s displaying n**********c behaviour. But because one of his control mechanisms was to keep me accustomed to a certain lifestyle, I think a couple of solicitors thought “here’s a highly strung spoilt ex wife, bit flaky, isn’t she?” One even told me I was “one of those daft cows” who’ll forgive whatever her husband does.

It really is worth looking around until you find one what gets it without you having to explain it all. They all will have met plenty of women in our shoes – not all do, and as illustrated above some will say things we all know people who understand would never say to us (although I have to admit, I spent (detail removed by moderator)years being a daft cow who said her husband was “wonderful, and oh no, he did that because I…”)

[foggyhere]

Just to add – up to the point I’d described above, I’d not paid a penny. They all offered free initial consultations and I made sure to use them to make sure they perfectly understood.

The only draw back to having one that gets it – they charge a lot more than a therapist – I have the two rates written on a post it note, and I use it to keep me focused when I’m talking to her. She thinks that’s amusing!

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