27th June 2016 at 7:11 pm #20247
Am feeling emotional today…today was (detail removed by Moderator) as it’s so serious. No one has phoned me to let me know anything – don’t know if they’re meant to.
Just found out that he’s engaged. I don’t even have the words. I don’t even know why I feel so d**n awful about it. But I want to scream and cry and vomit. I don’t know why. He’s actually engaged.
27th June 2016 at 8:52 pm #20254godschildParticipant
So sorry you have this news, your feelings are natural, sending you a hug xxxx
27th June 2016 at 9:26 pm #20264Confused123Participant
Your bound to have mixed emotions, focus on that u escaped him and remind yourself how bad he was
27th June 2016 at 9:56 pm #20277
Thank you both <3
I just can’t get my head around it :'( part of me thought he’d have treated her as badly as he did me (and the two before me!) but now I just don’t know. I can’t stand the thought of him being happy. And I’m pretty certain if he’s going to be getting married, there’s not a chance in hell he’ll plead guilty and admit what he’s done to me :'(
27th June 2016 at 10:01 pm #20279AyannaParticipant
This will not influence the court. Stand to your statement, blast him in court.
At least he is distracted.
Prepare yourself well for the court. x*x
27th June 2016 at 10:15 pm #20287godschildParticipant
He most likely will treat her badly in time , he is getting her trapped into marriage first. He may even be using it to look good in court that he is engaged and a good man if someone is marrying him xx
27th June 2016 at 10:23 pm #20291
I didn’t think of that…
Tbh I just feel maybe it was just me? I’ve spoken to the omes before me and he treated me worse than he ever did them, it was an escalating pattern…but maybe it wasn’t and it’s just me? I bought something evil out in him.
I just can’t believe it 🙁 xx
27th June 2016 at 10:49 pm #20295KIP.Participant
Mine made a big show in court about how he had a new partner and had moved on. This is the one he committed adultery with. He won’t settle finances with me or sort our divorce. So much for moved on. It’s all lies and fake. She’s got a world of hurt coming. They manipulate their partners in the beginning. Mine has a conviction for assaulting me and his new gf says he’s a role model for her children. Bizarre. Be glad he has a distraction meantime but these men are never happy. They don’t know how to be x
28th June 2016 at 7:51 am #20312
Thank you KIP. x
He’s been with this girl nearly as long as we’ve been broken up, and I’ve never cared. It has never bothered me, why would it? But now that he’s engaged, I can’t explain it. It brings back all those feelings that I’m a fraud – that maybe he’s not like that with other women. *shrugs* Thing is, I know it’s stupid to even think like that. But what if he’s lovely to her? Basically I’m sulking like a child about it.
Not helped that the legal side brings it all up. So no matter how well you might be doing, court drags it all up and then it’s a struggle for a day or so? xx
28th June 2016 at 6:27 am #20308
Dear Ladies, i just want to try to give you a bit of hope for the future. I’m out of my relationship now and virtually 100% free of any thoughts about him. I’m at a completely different place in my mind that I was when I was with him and after the break up, i survived the trauma bonding. I just want to let you know that once you have broken free spiritually, mentally & emotionally you think very differently . Your world opens up, there are no more dramas, worries, what ifs & anxiety. You have happy days and sometimes you smile, it feels like you are smiling from the inside. I wish you all the very best. XXXXXXXXXX
28th June 2016 at 1:13 pm #20337
How perfectly timed!
If an important date is coming up, he is upping the control and what better than a grand public statement- that he is engaged- to make him look good and normal, and to reduce you to a quivering wreck?
They all try the same tactics. Look at KIP’s abuser.
As you know his game ( believe me, this is his game: they are all cliched copies of one another), knowledge is power. You know what he wants, so don’t give him the satisfaction of becoming upset or fearful that being engaged makes him look any better.
Just keep stating your truth.Dont let him wreck your confidence. That’s what he wants.
Most professionals know that these abusers go from one relationship to another and manipulate each partner they have for their own ends. I feel sorry for his new girlfriend. She is in for a bumpy ride.
28th June 2016 at 1:20 pm #20338
PS and if it was for your sake only- to upset you- see his transparent game as quite pathetic!
28th June 2016 at 1:34 pm #20339KIP.Participant
Sheer frustration and triggers. Just underlines how important no contact is. These men totally messed with our heads. Brainwashing about how we will never find anyone else, how we are terrible partners, how other women are interested in them! Don’t even think about him being lovely to her. Every action is designed to control and trap. I know how you feel. I can’t stand my ex but it still hurts sometimes when I feel he rubs my nose in his new relationship. It’s just us still recovering from the trauma. Good luck to them I say. They will be on this web site one day too. Pity them and pity their next victims. Yes, in a couple days the emotional trauma will pass again. It gets less intense and less painful as time goes on. I crave the day when I feel nothing. I know that day will come eventually. Every day of no contact is a day closer to that goal. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
28th June 2016 at 1:48 pm #20340
It struck me today that we are beautiful, talented, positive women who have been made to feel ugly & unstable by the person we got involved with. Please remember how special & unique you really are.👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧
28th June 2016 at 2:42 pm #20345
They must have been together a few years now…been engaged for a few months but I’ve only just found out. I half expect her to be parading a baby bump come trial time tbh – to show off what a lovely family guy he is and how I’m ruining her life.
It just annoys me to no end. After everything, he was horrid to his 1st girlfriend, worse to the one after that and then even worse to me…and yet now he seems to be this loving fiancee with a nice flat and baby plans in the pipeline. When I’ve had to leave my whole life behind, lose all my friends, spend a couple years in therapy and still suffer PTSD making it impossible to have a normal relationship. How is that fair? How dare he get to be happy?
I always stood by the fact I was always certain he’d be as awful to this girl as he was to me – and now I’m second guessing that? Maybe he is and I just forget how manipulative and controlling he is? I don’t even know.
KIP everything you’ve said is just so spot on. I can’t wait until this is over. x
28th June 2016 at 4:19 pm #20349
Because of the history with you and the trial etc, he needs to work harder to appear normal and to keep his next victim where he wants them. How better than a baby and a proposal.
KIP is right: you’ve had a shock, but in a few days it will lessen and you will see things more for what they are.
Remember, he can never have a decent relationship. In the future, when you have healed and if that is what you want, you will be able to have a good relationship. You’re suffering with the effects of abuse, but time will heal you more and you are stronger and wiser. He can never change, and all those who are with him will suffer.
28th June 2016 at 5:04 pm #20353
I would like to thank my ex, without the experience that I had i would not be where I am now. Now that we are done and the trauma bonding is done i seem to have come out of the other side so much stronger 😊💪💪💪💪💪💪💪❤
28th June 2016 at 5:21 pm #20357
Serenity you always speak such sense <3
Think I’m scared – but then why wouldn’t I be?
It’s been a tough week…ran into his family the other day while I was visiting my own family, and then with the criminal side of things, and now this.
I’ll be back to my happy, calm, loving life self in a few days, I always am. As you all say.
Seriously can’t wrap my head around it. So many questions of “why”. xx
28th June 2016 at 6:48 pm #20361WalkerInTheRainParticipant
There is a section in the book ‘Why Does He Do That?’ about new partners which you might find useful.
He may be using her as a show pony to the court. He may also use her to play some of his games on his behalf “She must be lying as he’s amaaaaaaazing to me”.
The point thats sticks out for me is that he didn’t treat his exes “as badly”. That suggests that he still treated them badly or at least not well.
These people don’t change, it’s not a vested interest for them to change. She’ll be dazzled by the sparkly rock and sweeping statements but it’ll go stale as quickly as the wedding cake.
All you can do for now is keep focussed on yourself, keep strong and draw on every support available to you xx
28th June 2016 at 7:24 pm #20365
Thank you. It’s weird you say that actually…when I first met him he was up on charges of violence to the one before me…I stood by his side through ever court appearence and wrote a supporting statement saying how wonderful he was and how he couldn’t hurt a fly (he first assaulted me after that statement was given to his solicitor to be used in court). xx
28th June 2016 at 7:57 pm #20367WalkerInTheRainParticipant
It’s not weird, we minimise and bury events as a coping mechanism. Abusers are also master manipulators and are highly skilled at making us doubt ourselves.
Trust yourself and your experiences.
28th June 2016 at 8:16 pm #20368
Yes I agree Walkerintherain,
It is incredible how you can go from somebody who is reasonably ok & functioning on a day to day basis (before you met) to someone who is so confused, unsure, suspicious and doubtful (when your with them). They are skilled manipulators, I have asked myself tonight whether my ex really was dangerous, I mean really really dangerous & that I got out in time. He loved so much to be in control, it meant everything to him. He was quite, understated but devious and calculated, there must be a film character that resembles him, just can’t think of one at the moment, possibly Hannibal Lecter without the blood & gore.
28th June 2016 at 8:18 pm #20369
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