8th September 2023 at 6:45 pm #161570
He found out today my plans to leave. I feel sick, I just want to hug him and him tell me it’s going to be ok. Now it’s reality I don’t know if I want to leave. He won’t even look at me. Said he’ll never trust me again.
8th September 2023 at 7:00 pm #161571
You want to leave for a reason, remember all those reasons. He’s probably going to try lots of tricks from being nasty to make you feel guilty & for your caring instinct to kick in, through to declaring his love & promising to change. Ask yourself if you stay, will things be how you want – or will he forever throw up you were going to leave & he doesn’t trust you. I know it’s hard, I stayed several weeks longer than I should’ve of after I told him through fear, guilt & obligation (FOG), but stay strong and focus on the happy life you deserve x
8th September 2023 at 7:47 pm #161574
He has done all of the above. It’s awful. I now question everything that’s happened. He’s said he might never forgive me, and I’ve broken the family home. I just feel absolutely horrendous, unforgivable actually. Like what was I thinking breaking up the home. I’m not a good person, I’m horrible and sly for doing this behind his back. I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t leave yet as don’t have anywhere to go, but if I stay it’s going to be awful, and what if I feel I have to make things right and not leave. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. He has every right to be furious at me. X
8th September 2023 at 10:28 pm #161580
You haven’t broken the home – he has, his actions have. Forgive you for what? Not wanting to live like this anymore, to want peace and safety. I don’t mean to sound cruel, I’ve been exactly where you are and it’s hell, the mental battle to stay or go is immense but please remember he is the problem here not you – we’ve been conditioned to believe we are at fault. Even the fact he’s blaming you is wrong – there’s no recognition on his part of your feelings or his actions, you have every right to choose whether to leave a relationship which we forget in abuse. you’re stronger than you’ll ever realise.xx
8th September 2023 at 8:14 pm #161575
I walked out this week i sat in my car at a service station for a few hours then went home even though i was offered a safe place i went home. Why? Because im scared i cant seem to leave even though i know ive got to i just cant i have no where to go yes i have a safe space for one night but what would happen then? Its all too much too real and i cant do it not without a plan. I need a plan.
You have that plan you have been planning this for a whike and you are so close dont stop just dont stop you need to keep that focas remember that focus we talked about dont lose sight of it of course hes telling you off he will cry scream shout he will do everything he can to keep you there he needs you more than you could ever need him.
You put up with his s**t his hurt the pain and you still stand you are strong so b****y strong you dont need him. You can do this you deserve to do this dont let him win again. You are incredable you are worthy there is a life out there just keep walking towards that door. Sending you huge hugs xx
8th September 2023 at 8:27 pm #161576
Aww nbumblebee, thank you. I just don’t know anymore. I have the pull in my head to leave, but my heart is hurting, I just want to make it right again. Maybe I was unfair, took him for granted, all I know is at the moment I don’t feel ready or strong anymore. I am so sad, disappointed, I had such hope and now I’m broken. X*x
8th September 2023 at 9:40 pm #161578
I cant tell you what to do my god i have no right but re read your posts. Your strength is still tbere he has just made you bury it. Ive been trying for almost 3 decades to make mine right to make it better to understand him to try and help him but it doesnt work they have to want to change they have to want to help themselves but they wont they dont. You wont make it right.
Whatever you do we are here for you. If you arent ready then thats ok but he knows now how close you were it wont get better sweetie. Stay safe above everything else stay safe. Xxxxx
8th September 2023 at 10:47 pm #161581GlasshalfParticipant
I’m sorry this has happened and it sounds extremely distressing.
I’m going to repeat what @Bananaboat said. It’s his actions that have led to this. In fact He is the one who has destroyed your futhre life together by his actions. If he had not done everything he had done, you would not need to make plans to leave.
It’s sooo natural to feel upset and guilty but in the end you are reacting to the situation that he has created.
You will get your strength back. Some days we progress more than others.
We’re all here with you.
11th September 2023 at 11:52 pm #161641
Evening, I firstly wanted to just thank you all for the replies. I was in such shock after him finding out, and he was making sure I felt guilty. The following day when I was alone I just had a complete breakdown as I felt crushed, and petrified that I’d never get away. I’d ended up begging him to forgive me, and I felt so ashamed. However now a few days later it seems all forgotten, and back to calm and overly nice. Now I can reflect on what he said to me I realise it was all about him, he didn’t ask about anything he could do, it was all about how I can change, and how I’d broken the trust.
What I’m most confused about (and angry at myself) and I’m really hoping someone can relate, when I’m away from him (and probably the home) I am so sure of my choice. I feel strong and confident that I’m doing the right thing. However when I’m around him, I still want to please him, and all my confidence disappears and I just pander to him, and question if I should stay as maybe it’s not that bad. It’s especially bad now I’ve heard his reasoning for past behaviour, and the fact he is being so nice now I’ve no right to judge him on past experiences. I’m so confused, and like most woman, I feel like I’m waiting for the next blow up, just so I can say I’m done. I think his best behaviour will last longer now though as he’ll want to think he’s won and I’m not leaving. X*x
12th September 2023 at 8:59 am #161644HereforhelpParticipant
Hi, where you say that you are stronger when not around him… once you see the abuse you cannot unsee it, when you are away from your abuser you will start to recover and gain your own confidence. Trust yourself, not his words (he will say lots of things to you to make you feel n*d, it’s not on you, you are leaving because of his behaviour.
It’s also telling that all his upset was about him, how he feels, he you shouldn’t leave because of him… and you are right in that he hasn’t thought of you whatsoever as he is only thinking of himself.
What was his reasoning for his past behaviour? They usually say because of a traumatic childhood or their ex’s were all crazy (they blame anyone other than take responsibility for their abusive behaviours).
12th September 2023 at 11:01 am #161646
Yes yes yes. When mine is calm and nice of sorts I am stronger I say next flare up I will do this say this and that flare up happens and i cower again. I freeze and thwn im angry ay myself for not running for not standing up for myself.
Its so easy to think it than to do it. Dont beat yourself up you are doing what you can to stay safe to stay sane its what we all do.
You are stronger when you arent around him you said that right so what does that tell you? Read it again. You are stronger more confident when hes not around.
Imagine that feeling all the time.
You can get out you just said it yourself and im gonna say it again you are stronger more confident whwn hes not around.
Stick to your original plan regardless of what was said trust yourself not him.
Keep us posted sweetie whatever you do just stay safe xxxx
14th September 2023 at 9:29 am #161684
Thank you so much, reading these words of encouragement really helps, especially as I know you are going through or been through the same thing. It’s horrible, and more than anything I want my kids to be happy and safe. I can see some behaviours that are clearly because of the environment at home. Not having the consistency of the same person walking through the door is affecting them.
He doesn’t see things from anyone else’s point of view but his own. Although he’s acting being sickly sweet, it makes me feel smothered. He checks up on me more, wants to have s*x constantly, and it makes my skin crawl, because I know it’s his way of making sure I don’t leave. He has no consideration for anything but making sure I fall back under his control again.
Although I’m the background I know there is always the threat of rage I’m not scared anymore, I’m scared for my kids, but not for me. I would welcome the day he stops talking to me, and I’ve got to keep my distance because that is better than this. I just have to do what I need to do until I can leave, and I am so thankful for your support. X*x
15th September 2023 at 7:44 am #161705wildandfreeParticipant
Everything you have written could have been written by me. And I complelty understand the guilt. They will play on your kind side. Suddenly the nice behaviour to make you doubt yourself. It is all an act, designed to make you doubt yourself and feel guilt.
You have got this far, stay strong. Think about your future life free of all of that. Focus on raising your children free of that environment too.
I am out and I am not going to tell you it is easy, because it was one of the hardest things I did. But I got free.
Do the hard things now, and your future self will be so grateful to you.
Keep messaging on here any time you need. We’re all behind you.
15th September 2023 at 7:25 pm #161718
Wildandfree, thank you for your encouragement. I can’t wait for a day in the future when I can relax and not have my heart sink every time I hear my ‘so lovely’ (insulting) nickname being shouted because of something I have or haven’t done. I’m am very nervous and anxious for the day I can actually leave. I know I’ll have many times between now and then I loose faith I can do it. I do have that attachment to him I’m struggling to break, because for a large majority of my adult life he has been my everything. I have spent that time trying hard to keep him happy, as his happiness was my happiness, if he wasn’t happy it would be my fault, everything would be my fault, and therefore my job to beg for forgiveness. I’ve lost all sense of myself and suddenly having to fend for myself and my children feels very daunting, and finding out who I am away from his control petrifies me. I never thought I’d leave, and I’ll grieve the person he is being at the moment.
I really appreciate you sharing your story as it gives me strength to know it’s possible to leave and be happy, and not have your life defined by someone else. X*x
15th September 2023 at 9:13 pm #161721
I’d say leaving can often be a gradual disconnection, even though we can feel like we should up and go the reality (unless safety driven) is that we usually stay to make it work, give it another shot & hope it gets better or won’t happen again. We love our family. My experience was that those inside thoughts of ‘if this happens again it’s over’ slowly became stronger, then became public and I’d say them to him but not stuck to it until eventually it stuck. Won’t be the same for everyone but as others say, once you start seeing the abuse you can’t unsee it and in fact, see more and more for example you recognise the fake apologies and their hoovering tactics stop working. Be kind to yourself it’s not easy x
23rd September 2023 at 9:04 am #161904StrongLifeParticipant
You wanted to leave for a reason.
Be safe. Contact local counselling or domestic violence shelters.
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