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I’m in the process of divorcing. I have been told by others that he has been emotionally abusive. Sometimes I see what they mean, but I am full of self-doubt.
We are in the same house where he has ignored me for many months.
What has thrown me (detail removed by Moderator) is that I have found out he has been seeing a counsellor. I can’t stop crying and I don’t even really know why.
I think it is making be think maybe if I had tried harder we could have sorted things out. It’s also making me think maybe it was all my fault. Presumably he is telling the counsellor he is giving me the silent treatment etc, but he isn’t stopping, so is she telling him its ok? Is she right?
I just feel sick. I don’t know what’s going on. Abusers don’t go to therapy of their own accord do they? But he has…
Any support would be really welcome.
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They do go but usually if it’s something they can weaponise. So they might use it to say ‘my counsellor says I’m right you’re wrong’, or they can say to courts that they’ve had treatment, or to tell family/friends he’s a victim and been forced to do this to cope. All fake. He is highly unlikely to be going to actually deal with his issues & behaviour, and is probably criticising the counsellor as not knowing what they’re doing, he could do better etc. Living in those conditions is hard, I did it and it turns your home into somewhere you dread, so focus on you and your healing, consider finding your own counselling. As you say, the fact his behaviour hasn’t changed and is still awful & intimidating says it all x
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I’m wondering how you found out about this counselling? He must have told someone who he knew would tell you. It could be more game-playing.
Saying he’s going to counselling doesn’t mean he actually is. If he did go, did he bother more than once?
If he is going, what kind of counselling is it? Has there been any discernible change in his behaviour? Anything to make you think you could have worked things out if you’d tried any harder? No decent counsellor would ever condone controlling behaviour such as silent treatment.
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I can’t really say how I found out on here, but he doesn’t appear to be using the fact he’s going to counselling at all. I don’t think anyone else know and I only found out by accident. I just feel so confused.
Maybe the counsellor would say the silent treatment is ok. He has said repeatedly that I’m abusive, so she might just think he’s grey rocking me and that’s ok.
I just feel like I don’t know what’s going on anymore.
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If he is saying all that to the counsellor there’s your answer – he’s gaslighting/lying to the counsellor.
If any of the confusion you feel is whether to leave or try again just remind yourself that whether he is getting help or not, he’s still treating you badly and making your home a hostile environment for everyone.
Focus on your own feelings and that’ll help you to decide next steps xx
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Mine refused any sort of counselling and even after I made and booked appointments, he refused to attend with me having to offer counsellor apologies- how ridiculous. The counselling attendance became more on a control thing and went on and on. He never did attend and it was more of “get to know you session”
I have heard there is this type of counselling out there but not privy to information about it and whether it works.
The silent treatment and from my point of view “totally ignoring you” for some time is soul destroying and again another control tactic- it reduces relationship to nothing. Going on for months is not at all helpful as it should be about communicating.
Have you tried counselling?
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