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He’s gone.
We had a very long talk where he was saying he would change, he is really sorry, he loves me and the kids so much, doesn’t want to lose us, cant afford to move, would rather give me the money not someone else (rent), how could we make this work, give him one more chance, we need a fresh start and move on from here, it’s not weak to give him a chance. He asked who I had talked to, I didn’t say, and he guessed it was a abuse line, I didn’t say either way, then he asked if it was fair that they only got one side, shouldn’t they talk to both, and accused them of giving me ideas.
Somehow I stayed strong. He asked me a few times if this is what I wanted, I would be making him unhappy. I’m forcing him out.
He said he would leave tomorrow after he has washed his uniform.
Just before I went to bed I said I’m really sorry but I can’t do it anymore, he followed about 5 mins later and started to pack saying he was leaving now. He has put some clothes in a bag, not sure what else he has taken.
He said goodbye to DS1 who then broke down crying. While I was comforting him, he said it was his fault not mummy’s and he loves him loads.
Just before he left I was at the top of the stairs and he asked if I was going to say goodbye. And he didn’t have to go, is this really what I want. I said the kids might hate me but I really can’t do it anymore.
His last words were he has no idea where he is going, he might just drive around, and do something stupid.I phoned my mum and told her what’s going on, and now I’m sitting on my bed looking out the window as I can see the front of the house and road. Every light going past I think it’s him coming back. I am left to explain it to the kids what’s going on.
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Keep strong Lookingforanswers,
You have done the hardest part…I imagine you have wanted the relationship to end for some time…remember those feelings to keep you strong and focussed….keep strong for you’re children also show them no means no…being abused is never ok and you are stopping it and him. Staying strong can feel scary as it is unknown territory…but that’s better than being in an abusive relationship….good luck
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It was all mind games from the start. He had no intention of leaving permanently. It was just a big game to see how distressed you and the children would be and to see how much leverage this would give him. Now he knows your serious about getting rid of him, and even using the children to emotionally abuse you won’t work, he will up his game and you are in danger. His mood will change to every conceivable way, each time his mood changes you can be assured it’s just another trick. Moods don’t change that quickly. It’s all one big Oscar winning act. He’s going nowhere so it’s upto you to make the move x stay safe
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I just wanted to write “He won’t go away so easily” and read that he is back.
Mine went away in a similar way for a few times, than always was coming back. Even I told him I don’t want him to come.
He always does what HE wants, he doesn’t care what I am feeling, he doesn’t respect me like any loving person would do.
They leave easily only when they already found another victim. Like parasites,they cannot live on their own, they need someone to abuse. -
Looking for answers I hope you and the kids are okay. He is playing mind games with you- can you call someone? He is trying to make you feel sorry for him, tell him to go and leave his key this time- be careful he maybe dangerous if he feels he’s losing his grip on you. I would definitely call someone and get them to be there when you tell him this. I’m sorry you thought he was leaving nicely. Good luck
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Hi Lookingforanswers,
I just wanted to see how you are? I am sorry that he came back. It sounds like a really distressing time for you and the children. Please do try the helpline at a safe time to explore your options. You can also phone the police and report him for domestic abuse. I am concerned that this could be a dangerous time for you so if you can then perhaps even think about getting out the house with the children. You can phone the helpline who will look for a refuge for you, the council could even help or if you have nearby family or friends perhaps just go and stay with them until you can think about what you want to do next. You have been incredibly brave and strong so please be proud of yourself and I really hope this is the start of a happy future ahead but just be very mindful of your safety. He will not like the fact you have gained in strength so much.
We are all here for you so please let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
Thank you everyone, today has been a distressing and emotional and I’m exhausted.
He came back at 4:30 this morning, I had very little sleep leading up to this, every notice was making me jump. When he came in he asked why I hadn’t stopped him and was trying to make things better again. Somehow I stayed strong and didn’t give in. He is still here through as he claims he has equal right to the house. When I rang 101 last week they confirmed this. But said someone would ring me up to see how they could help.
I went to bed at 5:30 after a very hard talk, I could hear him crying downstairs.
Was up at 7 with the kids, eldest didn’t wake up till later. I made sure I went up and had a word with him to say that daddy had come back. He asked why and was he going again, I answered the best I could. He was very confused. The rest of the morning I didn’t speak to OH and he sat there with tears in his eyes, took the kids out for last min school stuff. As we were leaving OH was crying again saying goodbye and the kids got very upset. I thought he was leaving again, but when we got back he was still here.
After I put youngest to bed for a nap I stayed upstairs, OH came up soon after and said he was very sorry for coursing me this much pain. He has never seen me like this, and didn’t realise who bad he was or how far he had pushed me. And I wouldn’t notice him being here during the week (no idea what this means) He also said that he hopes we could become friends again in the future. Once he left I broke down and fell asleep.
The rest of the day has been strange, he is helping and being the nice dad/husband. I have tried to keep my distance.
I got a phone call back from 101, but haven’t had the time or space to ring them back. I also have a meeting with my WA lady early this week, so will talk through options then. Reading what you lot have put I’m still in denial with how much danger I might be in. If I ring 101 would they really take me seriously, and what could they do? Make him leave? I don’t want it to make it worse.
I’m laying in bed and my head is swimming. I know I will stay strong enough for the relationship to remain finished, but I don’t know if I have the strength to make him leave. -
You definately do not physically yourself make him leave. (Asking him to leave should be enough in a healthy relationship). Obviously in a DV relationship they will not leave or they go and come back! Upset the children & make you feel guilty….all DV behaviour my ex husband did same. I left with the children in the end…if you feel scared you need to ring police – tell them you’ve already asked him to leave, he’s scaring you, he’s upsetting the children & he won’t leave. They will tell him to go. And wait til he does. Make sure you get keys off him. If he becomes violent tho leave yrslf (with children) for safety. Good luck…
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This is it.
Mine did the same.
Told he has right to stay when saw, that I really want him to leave.
What I have at the moment
– reported him to police when he pushed me
– got a letter from local dw group that I am a victim
– seen silicitor is my next step, I am eligible for legal aid nowI am going to get injunction order to get him out.
I know you may apply for it via web and for free.
But we owe the house, if it would be rented, I would just move out with the kids. -
so after a c****y horrible weekend, where I tried to keep away from him as much as possible, I’m doubting myself again!! it couldn’t of been that bad, I can’t be in that much danger… I cant believe it.
But I have phoned 101 back and they will give me a ring again during work hours to talk to them, I have rung WA and my worker will give me a ring so I can talk about what happened and what to do now.
I have written down what happened and adding more info as I’m able to process it. so that is keeping the doubts at bay.
what I didn’t add, or have the chance to say, was I sat down with my friend at work and told her a little of what was going on. she was shock and surprised, but said she was here for me whenever I need her. it felt so good to tell another person, I think that help give me strength and not give in.
i feel so tried, and eating seems such a chore at the moment. I’m normally a stress eater, scoff anything in sight.
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Keep strong & focussed. Great idea to write it down…to remind youself ‘why’ when you feel like ‘is it really abuse’….our brains turn to mush with all our emotionals on hyper!! Our emotions calm in time. Guess it’s the fight or flight mode thing??!! Lists are good tho. Glad you confided in a friend too. Support is important…good lucky
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Abusers thrive on silence. Keep writing things down. Start at the beginning of the first abusive episode and how it made you feel. We are trapped in the FOG of abuse. Fear Obligation and Guilt. In any non abusive relationship things are very clear, as is our decision making process. He will jump from abusive to charming just to try and confuse you. Bottom line is he is going nowhere. Any reasonable man would move out and give you and his children stability and continuity. If you can picture being in a choppy sea. There is a rock, the rock of truth and you must hang onto that rock, no matter what lies and mind games that choppy sea tries to push you off. That rock is the rock of truth. For me I drew a line to what I wanted. A divorce, my home, zero contact. Not in that order but I drew a line in my head and didn’t deviate. It is as bad as you think. In fact it’s a lot worse x
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I sat down 2-3 weeks ago and started from the beginning, anything that at the time didn’t feel right but I brushed off. I am currently up to 16 pages, over 10500 words. that had been my biggest eye opener, and had cleared some of the FOG. I haven’t written so much on how it makes me feel.
KIP that last bit made me smile, you are right. its a scary thought that I can feel worse, but preparing for it will hopefully help.
and picturing it as a rough sea is a good picture, sometimes I do feel like im drowning or slipping down and then I grab out and manage to cling on.
I had to stay away from him, he was trying to have ‘normal’ conversions and I started to fall for it, so needed that space.
I will keep my kids safe at all costs, my phone is never far from me. although he said he would never hit me, he hasn’t been angry since that night out (im sure my mum being there stopped anything happening) I have promised myself if/when he does become angry because im not backing down I will ring the police. I have started the process with them.
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When he becomes angry because you’re not backing down is the most dangerous time for you. You need to get out or get him out before this happens. He hasn’t been violent because you’ve always given in. This time you’ve hurt his ego and he will make you pay for it. You just won’t see it coming. I made all the mistakes you’re making by thinking he would become reasonable. I was badly hurt and he was arrested. It’s good you’ve involved the police. Behind the scenes make sure you have access to finances. My ex emptied the joint account, cancelled all direct debits and tried to financially abuse me into staying. When his Mr Nice act doesn’t hook you back in he will up his game x
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