He's gone but his presence is still felt

[Keshasaidit]

I was with my manipulative bullying partner for many years. Everything he ever did wrong was my fault,but lucky for me he managed to forgive me???!!! Looking back over my life I can’t help but feel disappointed with myself, why did I stay? How did I allow him to exert so much control over me. I hid the abuse very well but now he’s gone I see the impact his very presence had on my home. I’m guilty I stayed and allowed him to dominate not just me but our children. They are freer happy kids and at peace in our home He continues to have his presence felt as suddenly he’s father of the year and I’m a liar. He’s playing the victim but I know the truth.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Keshasaidit,

Your final sentence is so important. YOU know the truth. It is so easy when we are out of a situation to look back on it and try to rationalise it, ask ourselves the questions ‘why didn’t I do this?’ or ‘why didn’t I do that?’. Now that we are free from danger we have time to reflect, but when we are living in it we are hypervigilant and having to react instinctively, doing whatever it takes to protect ourselves and our children. We often don’t see the situation for what it is (abusive) and rationalise it that ‘he’s tired’, ‘he’s had a bad day at work’, ‘he’s a bit stressed at the moment’.

I too have guilt that I stayed for longer than I should, but only sometimes. Mostly, I am thankful, or glad, that I left when I did because my son also had a happier, peaceful home and upbringing.

Their presence is always felt when he’s still in the lives of the children, that’s something we can’t really escape, but hopefully we can control. And kids being kids, they’ll often play one parent off against the other in order to get what they want! They are crafty little things at times! Don’t overthink this or give yourself a hard time over it. You are a survivor, you have escaped the abuse and you are reaping the rewards of peace and freedom for you and your children.

[Keshasaidit]

Thank you for listening, it’s good to know I’m not alone. There are still some things I keep to myself. I feel like this forum is somewhere I can share without judgement. It’s been so inspiring.

[Author]

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