He's gone but will it be real this time?

[songbird1]

So last night after days of moodiness and silent treatments I told my partner I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He didn’t seem fussed at all and agreed that he didn’t want to be with me, whilst reminding me of all the reasons why and after more silent treatment, he left this morning. He will be coming back to get his things at some point. BUT this scenario has happened soo many times before so I’m not feeling anything right now. I feel empty and enotionless. What do I do now? What are my next steps and how do I remain strong and actually do this? Despite everything, I’m sad. I’m sad that I wasn’t able to get him to see how much pain I’ve felt. Sad that he’s going to be alone (stupid I know) just after so many years, this is how it’s going to end and I just feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life for nothing. I have to start all over again with everything. Please someone who’s been in this same spot help me, give me some insight as to what happens next. I’m so depressed and I always end up making up with him because I do love him and its easier than to feel this pain. I need my life back, but I have no idea where I’d even start.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Songbird,

I get you, I really do. That saying ‘time is a great healer’ is so true.

You know this man wasn’t making you happy, and you know deep down that he’ll never make you happy, but you are still going to be sad and grieve for the end of a relationship that you once had so much hope for. Your feelings of loss, despair, unhappiness, bewilderment, fear of the unknown to come, they are all natural feelings. For now, you just have to take each day hour by hour to start with.

Do you jointly own or rent the property you were living at? If not, and it is in your name, start taking control by changing the locks. That way, he can’t just come back if he feels like it. Many abusers sneakily get keys copied, so even if he has left keys, it does not mean they are the only ones.

Write yourself a ‘to do’ list for each day when you wake up. It may only have three items on it to start with, but tick off each one as you do them. It could be as simple as ‘do the washing’, ‘go for a walk’, ‘phone a friend for a chat’, but by having a list will give you some sense of purpose and motivation to get through each day. When we lack any motivation because we are down then this can quickly spiral in to depression, and often, we are in depression and anxiety anyway due to an abusive relationship.

Start to look forward to things you CAN now do that he is out of your life that you couldn’t have done when he was in it. Would he have let you go away with friends for a weekend spa break for instance? Or go and visit a friend who lives some distance away and stay over? Take up a Salsa class once a week?

I know that in the current climate it is very hard to socialise and get a new life going, but you can make plans for when lockdown lifts. My current plan is that I believe hotels will offer some great weekend deals to entice people to stay once lockdown lifts, so I have arranged with some girl friends that as soon as we are allowed to go to a hotel then we’re all off for a two night spa break at a particular hotel we like.

Try not to focus on him and/or his feelings. Don’t be sad that he is alone. Men who abuse are unlikely to find any long term happiness or fulfilling relationships because they don’t truly know how to love. There is nothing you can do about how he may or may not feel, so concentrate on what you can control in your life and bring focus back to yourself. He will likely try and worm his way back in to your life over the next week or so but you need to strengthen your resolve to this. Abusers can’t function on their own, they need a woman in their life, any woman will do, so if he tries to return to you it won’t be out of love, it will be out of need. If you resist him for long enough he will move on to another woman very quickly. My ex has done so many times, he got married within a year of me leaving him, but that too ended due to his violence towards her. His current marriage is also an abuse based one and his wife has tried to take her own life. The cycle of abuse continues, but with a different victim.

Today is the start of your NEW life. Don’t see this as a negative, see it as a positive, because it really is. I wish you the very best.

[KIP.]

I’d start by gathering his belongings for him so you don’t have to see him or allow him back into the property. Absolutely zero contact is how you move forward. If you can get someone to deliver his belongings to him or leave them with a friend then do that. Don’t engage at all. Block him on everything and let him know via a third party not to contact you again. Then you can begin the grieving and healing process. It’s like breaking an addiction but you know it’s harmful even though you may crave it x loving him won’t stop him abusing you and taking him back is only a temporary relief. Do you really love such a person or do you love the idea of having someone in your life?

[Author]

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