25th December 2023 at 11:03 am #164413browneyedmumParticipant
Even though he’s moved out and he will be taking the children on (detail removed by Moderator) (he suggested it)… one of the children is acting out and worse… acting just like he does.
“I wanted this shirt that’s in the washing machine. But SOMEONE hasn’t turned it over to the dryer.”
“Well, that someone is me because no one helps with laundry”, I replied, “And that’s unkind. Can you please be kinder?” So that child stomps and grunts at me, “I’ve been kind to you all day!”. And it feels so much like her father, it was only when I started scrambling to resolve it that I realised that I was doing a knee-jerk reaction to how this child’s father treated me.
Anyhow, I’m going to try to be more mindful of that for the rest of the day, to see how this child continues to try to twist things to go their way, which child can be rather masterful at … which in a way, I’m ashamed of because I’m that child’s parent and I shouldn’t be manipulated in that way by that child.
Maybe (detail removed by Moderator) while the children are with their father, I’ll put some thought into putting down new boundaries. Its really only one of the children who does this. I recognise that this child will be anxious & scared while having a lot of expectations for the holiday, and perhaps looking for where it falls short… because that is exactly how that child’s father behaves. Learned behaviour.
25th December 2023 at 11:48 am #164415HereforhelpParticipant
Hi, my eldest took on her father’s traits
.. well some of his manipulation, twisting truths and generally acting entitled with a lack of respect..
She is now having therapy to help undo some of her learned behaviors…
Stick to your boundaries…I went down a guilty mum mindset (after all, I was married to their dad and it’s what my children became used to).. however it is his behaviours which have causes these responses/actions from my eldest (teenager(..
25th December 2023 at 1:06 pm #164417minimeerkatParticipant
its good that someone has given you an example of experiencing the same things browneyedmum, it will help you feel less alone to sadly see how certain relationships affect children to such a degree
if you think that even as their partners it can be very possible to pick up some of these traits, then it certainly isnt a surprise to find that children do – as they are so incredibly vulnerable
it is still very very early days for you, but hopefully without the permanent influence of your partners character & behaviour, you can slowly but surely navigate your way successfully through this in your own time & in your own way that works for you all as a family x
3rd January 2024 at 10:13 am #164883browneyedmumParticipant
UGH! That child’s done it… AGAIN!
That child’s out to holiday club now, but its just … soul depleting … when a child wakes up and goes straight into shouting and blaming…
– When that child is old enough and has more than one device upon which to set an alarm clock.
– Throwing back nonsensical responses any time I point out how that child could have taken accountability and responsibility for themselves. Just deflecting any responsibility and accountability there.
– Making up things, “I told you I wanted to get up earlier so I could do [x]!” … which is news to me. And then my favourite: “You don’t listen to me!”
– While scrambling to meet that child’s wants, of course this morning hadn’t gone to the plan that child had in their head. But any solution for flexing around all of that were immediately rejected. “You’re not listening to me!” … well, I can’t wind back time, but here’s what we can do.
(detail removed by Moderator)
Admittedly, I didn’t have a great day yesterday. Today’s not off to a great start, but I’m doing what I can to ‘reset’ plus having a bit of a vent here.
Trying to remind myself, this child treats this way because that’s what this child has seen their father do, in order to get their way.
Their father likes to say how this child is a ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. Nah, this child’s more like their father than their father would like to admit.
3rd January 2024 at 10:53 am #164886minimeerkatParticipant
you are probably well aware regarding certain adults who possess particular personality traits, there is no room for compromise, tolerance or a peaceful resolution (unless it suits them in that very moment)
so with these individuals when it comes to dealing with gaslighting & blame, to be aware of it & play along can make things a lot easier.
maybe tell them that they are right & that you did do ….. when you are being blamed. and tell them yes, they are right & that you remember you did ….. when being gaslighted
i dont think an apology is necessary at all when playing along with all this, because it actually turns any gaslighting & manipulation against them – because they are perfectly aware of (like you are) that you havent done whatever they are accusing you of doing
this can certainly help when dealing with adults, but just wondering whether it would help at all with youngsters – i really dont know
you are doing incredibly well dealing with a mini version of your ex as it must be so very very triggering. so i can only hope that having to deal with this gets easier & less frequent
thinking of you x
4th January 2024 at 1:14 pm #164964StrongLifeParticipant
I too like the statement of it is his behaviours which have causes these responses/actions.
Took me some time afterward to understand this.
9th January 2024 at 10:31 am #165125StrongLifeParticipant
Just like to add here- it’s not the kids fault. I had to be reminded they grew up in this, I had other experiences to know.
I’ve heard my kids say same wording as him. It’s not good to hear.
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