He’s ignoring that the relationship is over

[melaniekelly]

My husband is an emotional and financial abuser. We’ve been married for a very long time and initially I thought it was me. However some years ago I was shocked to realise it was him. He lies, gaslights, says he’ll do things and then doesn’t. I have tried to leave on many occasions but he has always talked me round. This time I have found the courage to tell my oldest children (they are not his) and get advice from a solicitor. He doesn’t know this. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone we are separating, I cannot tell our son who is an adult and lives with us so I feel like I am living a lie. We sleep in separate rooms so its pretty obvious. I feel trapped by his behaviour. I have got him to agree to see a mediator but he still won’t agree that the relationship is over. He acts like there is nothing wrong and is very nice when others are around. When we are alone he is verbally abusive, really nasty. I have told the solicitor who has said she’ll write to him if it gets too bad. I feel trapped. I’m so worried that he will tell our son and twist everything around. From the outside he seems very caring etc, if only everyone knew!

[Twisted Sister]

Well you know, and so do we Melaniekelly.

Wel done for speaking out, for reaching out, for getting support, here, and with a solicitor.

I am sorry you found yourself with an abuser, its not the topline of their ad for themselves, it happens by degrees, like the slowly boiled frog,or the death by a thousand paper-cuts.

Keep the strength you have found to rise above this and get stronger and more support in place, all that you can.

You need to stay safe, as a priority, can you tell your son, so he is safe and aware so as to protect himself/help you?

I have been there with the denial of the end. Even done the playing along with his pretence not realising I was being duped, yet again. The crying that he couldn’t face it, dragging on my emotions, but then kissing me in front of his family, and forcing himself on me.

Keep talking and posting, and even if he’s never physically hurt you before absolutely doesn’t mean that he won’t (especially now he has nothing to lose).

Warmest wishes
TS

Keep safe

[KIP.]

This is a really dangerous time for you. Please get in touch with women’s aid for support. You can’t live with this controlling man whilst separating. If your older children know then I think your other child should be told. My ex was telling my son all sorts of horrible things behind my back swearing him to secrecy. Imagine dragging your child into things in that way. Can you move out with your son and rent somewhere meantime. Your husband will never accept things and his behaviour will get worse as he loses control. It’s not safe for you x

[freedomtochoose]

AGree with KIP. Safety first. All else, and the to be honest messiness of divorce, finances etc can come later and as soon as you have some headspace, and sleep better you will be able to tackle it all better.
keep posting
ftc
x

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