10th January 2016 at 8:58 pm #7452foggyhereParticipant
It’s all getting too much. There is a long history of him being stealthily manipulative to get things his own way. We are very recently separated, leaving me with no job and a child to care for, whilst he earns six figures.
I logged in just now to see that a large amount of money has come out of my bank account, which I use to buy food, petrol and anything my child needs. I didn’t recognise the transaction, so I panicked and called the bank. They told me to check with the Co signatory on the account. So I called him. Oh oops, he says, I did that by mistake.
I stupidly asked him if he was worried about our mediation session on Friday (yes, I have to sit across the room from him and discuss my future – at the moment he’s telling everyone I’m crazy and being very unreasonable whenever I say this is close to impossible for me).
He told me that he needs us out of the family home so he could get a mortgage. I stupidly engaged with this, and he told me not to give him a reason to make a custody challengE.
I’m in peices. Just called my mother (I should really be limiting contact with her too, but I’m stuck for support), and she said she didn’t see what the problem is – he cannot make me leave the family home, he has to provide stepping stone support, and he has no reason to challenge custody. She knows this is the same man who got me diagnosed with bpd when I got angry with him for witholding sex for two years because “it was easier than disappointing you about my decision not to have anymore children”. But she can’t see how for nearly a decade I’ve been living in a world where if he doesn’t get what he wants, he makes life very hard.
I know she’s right, but I can’t shake off the feeling that I really am mad, I’m going to loose my daughter, and I’m going to end up homeless before I can get well enough to find a job.
10th January 2016 at 9:32 pm #7460
Hi there. No wonder you’re worried. You do not have to go to mediation if there is a history of abuse. Any contact with this man will make you anxious. Removing money so that you would have to contact him! Get the money back and empty the account. Get one of your own. You do not have to have any contact with him. Get a solicitor and use your mum for child access. While you have contact, you said yourself, he will manipulate you. You’re in panic mode, which he has put you in. I always had this awful feeling that my ex would pull the rug from under me. It’s just a lack of self confidence. Block his calls and texts and use a solicitor. No contact is the only way❤️ Withholding sex for two years! He sounds like a total monster. Not someone you want anything to do with x
10th January 2016 at 9:46 pm #7463foggyhereParticipant
I can’t prove the abuse. And compared with others it’s not that bad, so I do feel like I’m making a terrible fuss saying it is abuse (my therapist and solicitor and working hard with me to change how I see it).
I told the mediator last week about emotional abuse. I think we might have to shuttle it (be in separate rooms). I tried asking for that last time, and he rolled his eyes and said “look what I’ve had to put up with “.
In some ways, a lot of the mental health problems I have seem to very evaporating now he’s gone. In other ways, I’m not coping very well – at the school gates I have lots of people who don’t know telling me he’s having a silly midlife crisis and he’s sure to come back in 6 months. Last time someone said that I got all shaky and hot and kept retching. Now they think I have a sickness bug.
I’m not sure whether I’m feeling frightened now because I believe what he said, or because I know I have to deal with him to get things sorted out.
When I say no contact, I actually have to do modified no contact. My nearest family is 100 miles away. His parents is 10 minutes away, and that’s where he goes to have her for the weekend (he’s moved 200 miles away to be with “friends” he’s known for 6 months). I asked him to arrange for one of his parents to collect and drop our daughter off. He said no, he won’t inconvenience them, and I should stop being so melodramatic and think about how our daughter’s best interests.
10th January 2016 at 10:10 pm #7467
“Look what I’ve had to put up with”. That’s belittling your choices. Putting you down and sapping your confidence. Not to mention bullying. He’s moved 200 miles away from his daughter and is telling you to think of your daughters best interests! I would write down the things I want and stick to them. You do not have to have contact with him. Get a solicitor. Contact with this man is clearly affecting your mental health. Can you speak to his parents yourself. Or get a solicitor to draw up rules of access. Which include his parents collecting her. Taking back control was one of the best things for my self confidence. How about moving nearer your family for support?
10th January 2016 at 10:16 pm #7468
PS. Nobody moves large amounts of money by mistake! X
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