16th September 2020 at 4:34 pm #113777ChasingrainbowsParticipant
So, my husband just left (detail removed by moderator) ago because I asked him to. Our relationship has been going downhill a while now. Now I am looking back and thinking am I being silly? Are these things nothing to fuss about? Should I be kind as he has anxiety? The Dr said he was very controlling but probably not essentially a bad person with no morals, just someone who wanted a huge level of control so he didn’t feel anxious. Here are a few things but they happened over the space of (detail removed by moderator) a d we’ve had good times too ..
– questioning what I’d spent money on.
-choosing to work Saturdays, I would take kids out for the day, then he’d complain he didn’t get to do fun family stuff
-saying I couldn’t shop at the supermarket I had to support independent shops and go to butchers, bakers,
-questioning my daughter’s (detail removed by moderator) intolerance saying we should get her properly tested as myself and Dr might be wrong.
The thing is, over the years some of this stuff got better…. He is finally choosing to have Saturdays off, but I have waited (detail removed by moderator) for that, and he had one off but someone was on holiday ever since so no more.
He relented on supermarket shopping and I go every (detail removed by moderator)
He agrees now it is best not to put our youngest on an elimination diet as there is no need.
He scared my daughter (detail removed by moderator) by getting cross with me because I (unbeknownst to me) scraped the side of the car (detail removed by moderator). He thought me and the kids knew and hid it from him. I said he would have to move out as he’d done that as I’d had enough, and that shocked him into thinking more about his behaviour… He subsequently had a breakdown (b****y typical!!) Was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He now has councelling and I have fought for help for me and the kids. He is trying hard and my Mum and mother-in-law keep saying (detail removed by moderator) poor him and to be honest I’m so tired of struggling I don’t know whether to try again with him or separate completely.. it’s so hard!
16th September 2020 at 5:15 pm #113784KIP.Participant
You need to put yourself first. You need to be happy and healthy to pass that onto your children. They deserve a happy mum and they learn from you. Is he controlling with his boss. Would he tell his boss where to shop or what to do and when. Controlling behaviour of this kind is abuse and coercive control with a intimate partner. His anxiety is making you anxious and unhappy. It’s good he has moved out so please take this time to reassess your life and see if your mental health improves while you have some space. What does the doctor know? Does he live with him24/7? Talk to the national domestic abuse helpline and ask for their help. I have anxiety and I don’t target anyone. When you said things were getting better. Like he’s taking a Saturday off. He doesn’t get any brownie points for doing what he should be doing anyway. Scaring your child is unacceptable and she will be anxious too. Take the time and space to think about his behaviour and how and when it happens. But more important think about your own mental health and if you have changed because of his behaviour. That’s a huge red flag
16th September 2020 at 9:26 pm #113796ChasingrainbowsParticipant
Kip yes thank you, you are right. I have been kind for a long time and it’s not good enough. I did read you can have mental health problems (like his anxiety/depression) but that’s not an excuse for treating others badly.
I feel like it is really coersive control but it’s so subtle and not extreme like for some women so it’s hard to spot. I always considered myself strong and independent…. Now I look and see how much he weakened me into saying ok to all sorts of things…. Where we lived, what car we drove, even which hoover we had!! I feel in limbo now, he’s so keen to save us and keeps saying I’ve given up and I see why women are pursuaded to go back. We’ve got kids together too which makes it all the more hard, plus own a business together and house. Tough times, thanks for your words.
23rd September 2020 at 9:56 pm #114196CamelParticipant
I replied on another thread before I saw this so sorry, didn’t realise you’d already got him to leave.
Still, as predicted, he’s using every trick in the book.
It makes me really angry when I hear men say they’re so g*****n keen to ‘save’ the relationship. They really aren’t that bothered. It’s totally about control. It’s about winning at all costs. If they really cared they would have taken care of the relationship from the get-go.
It makes me angry too when they accuse us of ‘giving in’. As if we haven’t already put in a sh*tload of effort. As if they haven’t heard us say ‘no more second chances.’ Again, it’s control. Telling us how we should feel and behave. Telling us we’re wrong. Our decisions are wrong. We owe them. We should understand them. Forgive them and shut up.
You seem sure of your decision yet understandably you need to feel supported. Everyone around you is telling you the opposite of what you know to be true…poor him, he’s trying, he’s sick. What do they know?
His doctor’s comments are particularly troubling and would be laughable if not so dangerous. He’s ‘very controlling but probably not essentially a bad person with no morals, just someone who wanted a huge level of control so he didn’t feel anxious.’ I don’t know where to start in dissecting this, it’s just nonsense. Ignore it.
In any case, there’s no sliding scale of what you have to put up with before you call it a day. You don’t have to say it’s abuse, control, anxiety, depression, ego. You are allowed to simply say you’re unhappy.
23rd September 2020 at 10:18 pm #114199WaterspriteParticipant
Keep going – believe in YOU not anyone else ! You’ve got this!! X
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