He’s losing control

[SilkyHalide]

ladies I’m doing it but it’s so hard. His threats are scaring me put me into fight or flight, but then I talk to one of my great friends and the fear lifts and I see he is the one who is scared. It’s not physical but emotionally I’m on the edge very quickly when he’s bombarding me with demands, accusations or persuasion and every few days feel like I’m going to just stop living/ give in and leave my house. My mum has been great now I’m letting her help and I’ve reconnected with other old friends and family and even made some great new friends. I’m spreading it round so no one friend is getting all my grief.
My children are being used to get to me and there is little I can do unless I drag them further into it. I’m leaving this till he forces me to, but in the interim I’m loosing them especially one of them. I just have to hope she realises and comes back to me one day. Trouble is she could then start blaming me for not leaving him years ago.

[Twisted Sister]

Hello SilkyHalide, that all does sound hard! Its not ok for him to threaten you, and to scare you, sounds like living on the edge and so bad for you when you deserve better.

Its good to have been reconnecting with others, so much strength and balance can come from having strong connections with supportive people that matter to you. I would be worried about the effect on the children if he is using them to get to you, I wonder if you could talk to SS about the effect he is having on them? Mind you, I then wonder what they would do, possibly tell you you should leave him but give you no tools to do that, but whatever you do, they can’t be continually suffering this. What do your friends say about what he is doing to them?

take care and keep strong xx

[SilkyHalide]

I have left him. Well sorry he left me but that was fortunate for me as I didn’t have to move out in order to separate.
He’s using the girls to try to manipulate me into thinking it’s all my fault that I am the failure the bad one the one who should give in to his needs and back down on my needs.

[Winterblues2]

How has it been today?

Please change the locks and do all you can to ensure that he cannot get back in today.

As infuriating as it is, do not rise to his game of manipulation. I had the same with my, and still do, just reassure them as neutrally as you can that you re there for them. Do not fall into the trap of reciprocating his manipulation.

[Confused123]

Hey Hun

I’m glad his moved out , change locks and block him on your phone if u can apply for occupancy order so u have right to house and he can’t move in , I know when I left I was just so relief to escape I didn’t even deal with all stuff I should of , they always blame it all on us, it couldn’t be them , so ignore what his saying his saying on purpose to break u down more , post as much as u need to on here and we will support u

[NewWings]

Hi there word of caution when you change the locks make sure you get one that doesn’t allow card use. I now have one that stops someone using flexible plastic to open the door it’s all too easy if someone knows what they’re doing. I know this from bitter experience and three yes three changes of locks. Keep safe and good luck you’re really brave.

[SilkyHalide]

I can’t change the locks as he has same right as me to our property. He is emotionally and mentally abusive and the threats are to take my children away or drive me out of the house. My fear is that he will drive me to a breakdown/out of my mind. He almost did a week ago, I broke in front of him but then managed to pull myself back together. I’ve nearly given in a couple of times and thought my only way to peace is to move out, I’ve stopped myself and then my mum has helped me see other ways to stand my ground.
If I take an order out (I don’t feel I have enough evidence to do so and sometimes hope he would physically threaten me because then I would know I’m right to take out an order/call police) my children will see me as the bad one and it will make me look completely unreasonable. He comes in when he wants and I never know what mood he’s going to be in. But it’s almost worse when he’s nice because I start to doubt myself. Am I the unreasonable one? And then I fear where the niceness is going and he starts expecting me to back down and then gets angry when I stick to my guns. At least when he’s horrid it makes me stronger more determined. He has stopped short of damaging property like he has in the past, but came very close. He did badly bruise me once many years ago, so I do have that fear in the back of my mind always but haven’t truly felt he would really go that low again.
He’s being nice at the moment. He moves to a house in (detail removed by Moderator) days, with the children as they want to move in with him. They gave been particularly angry with me because he’s manipulated them to try and keep control.
I hope this time it settles down and the niceness doesn’t turn into direct manipulation then anger.

[SilkyHalide]

I did block him on media and phone and this has stopped the calls and texts. He got the message very quickly.

[Winterblues2]

I put a chain on my door and changed the locks, even though we are both on the mortgage. I was advised that even though he has a right to the house I would be justified if I had a genuine fear of him, which I do.

I have several court orders against my ex. They, and the agency involvement, have proved that he is emotionally damaging the children and that he needs his contact reducing in order to protect them further. I f I hadn’t applied for them I would not have known how serious a risk he is to them.

I can only hope that my children will understand that I did this to protect them. He too threatened to take the children from me and that I’d never see them again etc.

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