He's met someone new and it hurts! Help

[Christine]

Hi, I left my ex’s house about (detail removed by Moderator) years ago with my kids and was still in an on off relationship for most of that time until last (detail removed by Moderator), about (detail removed by Moderator) months ago when I stopped sleeping with him as it got to point where he was saying I will have sex with u but I don’t want to be with u. It slowly went this way from him trying to not being sure what he wanted to just sex ..all the time saying I needed to give him space but my emotions were all over one minute intimate and a relationship the next, nothing and I was in his face. How do u turn your emotions on and off like a tap. And I did act really emotional cos I wanted connection and wud get it but then it wud be cut off until I guess he wanted it again…anyway to not go on for ever!! I stopped in (detail removed by Moderator) but still loved him and wanted him but didn’t do it. So proud of myself for that. He then said he was dating then said he wasn’t then I noticed he wasn’t home on a night one night (we live close, I’m not a stalker as he accuses me of) he then admitted he was seeing someone. The thing is I’m devastated and worst thing is I seem to be more hurt that he’s having sex with another woman than anything else…its not like thats main thing in a relationship. I have since, to protect myself put in boundaries which I’m clearly not great at doing. He has been telling me I’m pathetic and and idiot in front of our child, leaving my gate open on purpose!!?? To annoy me…refusing to respond if I ask him if he’s having our daughter if I have replied to his call or something. Yet before he told me he only tolerated me and couldn’t stand me and wanted me out of his life. I’ve destroyed his life and kicked out of him any love he had for me with my insecurity. I was insecure and I never got the assurance… Ever!!! Why am I so upset and angry too!!!! Please help me try understand my feelings and response to this. He told me I’m an awful woman and his other daughter is scared to death of me??! Eh?? Yet my daughter who he really put down I have said just be civil for your sisters sake…why can’t he do that. I’m not allowed to see her other sibling as if I’m the bully!!!

[lover of no contact]

Hi Christine,
I know it hurts like hell when they find someone else but he is only using this woman too. This new woman is his latest appliance (in his eyes) that he can use. He will love-bomb her first, reel her in, then he will start to devalue her and then possibly discard her too. They idealise then devalue. She’s just stepped on a rollercoaster to hell. I know its agony the void that we have to face when we are weaned off the abusive relationship but sit with it (the rollercoaster of emotions, the cold-turkey) and it will get better.

Most of the abusers seem to go onto a new appliance/victim when our abusive relationship ends. That is because they get the biggest high from the hurt, fear and distress from an intimate partner. Intimate partner fuel is the most potent type of fuel for them way more potent than from their friends, work-colleagues or family members.

You are upset and angry because he is poison and his words are hurtful and poisonous and you’ve just had a verbal battering from him. Start No Contact with him (google No Contact Rules for dealing with an abuser) from today and you will soon start to feel better. And keep posting on here for support.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Christine,

I can relate a lot to your pain, and agree with Lover of no contact in that this woman is just his latest victim, she will end up where you are now and be replaced the way you were. These men leave a trail of pain, lies, abuse and destruction behind them and are always seeking out new victims, usually whilst in the relationship. They don’t have normal empathy so think the rules about being committed and faithful don’t apply to them (but will often accuse us of cheating when we love them are are faithful).

I think my ex probably overlapped me with an ex as he was shifty when I asked him how long he’d been single for, and I am sure he was cheating on me and talking to women on dating/sex sites whilst pretending to be my perfect loving committed boyfriend. I know what you mean, the thought of them having sex with someone else is for some reason the most painful thing (it has been for me anyway), for me it hurt more than all of the other abuse he did for whatever reason. I think it’s because we love them, trust them, commit to them, give them everything, and they PRETEND to love us back, commit, be honest and the whole time it is just one big nightmarish lie.

Once they go off with someone else they kill the illusion we had that we had a future with them and that is so unbelievably painful when you had hope.

Well done for setting boundaries. These men love to triangulate several women to see them all get jealous so go no contact now/grey rock if you have children. Don’t give him the opportunity to say you are pathetic/crazy or whatever, it is just further abuse. Put up a strong boundary there and if possible use a third party for child contact then block him on everything. If he triess to contact you then compile a log and report him to the police for harassment.

You are currently trauma bonded to him so no contact/grey rock is essential to healing. You will start to see it clearer once you drastically reduce the contact and the pain will get better. Also reach out to your support network and women’s aid as it is easy for them to manipulate us back into contact when we are feeling very alone and sad which is regularly after an abusive relationship.

[Christine]

I think u hit the nail on the head when u said its the hope that goes, that there would ever be any future. Thats what’s hurting the most and yes the sex with another woman. He’s now saying what woman…so he is, he isn’t, he is, he isn’t seeing someone. Then when i ask if he is seeing someone he just won’t answer the question…like he enjoys me wondering and not knowing eitjer way….He must just want to hurt me and see me jealous I and upset. Its weird cos we split up over his ex’s jealous behavior and that she couldn’t seem to back off and always wanted to be involved and like she was still with him. I don’t want to be like that. I want to start a new relationship without any mess from the past.

[Christine]

What’s grey rock mean please x

[Christine]

He doesnt contact me. That was one of problems, he wud sleep with me then I wud feel rejected and unloved by no real effort afterwards to contact me….not like when we met. I would call him, he would talk as if I was a nuisance, then I would get insecure and call more, he would shout and verbal abuse and then I would get anxious and want to make it all OK again and at which point he would then ignore me or cut me off making me more anxious and then I would have called loads of times making me look like a stalker!! I even used to go around to house because I would feel so traumatized that he wouldn’t talk to me and yet we had just been intimate together and he had been nice. I know my behavior was wrong though. It was like my emotions took over my logical brain!!! So he’s got loads of calls and texts stored although I don’t do that now thankfully

[Author]

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