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He hasn’t shouted at me or sworn at me for just over a week now. When I complained about the swearing in one of his games he found a way to turn off the bad language. He still swears in conversation when he tells me about his day and he still won’t help with the kids but this is an improvement, isn’t it?
I feel very confused. I wanted his negative nasty way towards me to stop but I can’t help feeling confused. How can he just stop like that? I’ve endured it for years and then when he threatens to leave because of a lack of sex (I told him the way he treated me didn’t make me want to do it with him) he stops. So if he can stop now why didn’t he do it before? Will it start again? I don’t want to keep going around the cycle when will I have the strength to call it a day if it does go off again?
I do wonder if he rationalised his need for me because during a talk we had on why we weren’t having sex he said that my money was the day to day money (he wasn’t deriding it) whereas he earns more but is sporadic). (detail removed by moderator)! Used to wind me up no end and I’d always respond that I wanted a loving relationship. During this talk he also admitted that he never wanted kids and hadn’t I realised that after we didn’t do in the first (detail removed by moderator) years if marriage? He always had a reason not to start and I accepted this because I had said I wanted one and that if didn’t he’d have to let me go…guess what, I was strung along and now feel hurt that i haven’t got the support of him to help me with them.
Can he change? Has anyone else experienced this and did it stay that way? Sorry it’s a long posst, memories came flooding back as u wrote which I think underline why I feel so unsettled during this ‘normal’ period.
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Hi Robin
My ex only stopped things when we were at crisis point (i.e. I was trying to end our relationship)
At the time, each time, I thought “he’s trying” what I realise now is that he simply changed to a different tactic and he was in control of these behaviours otherwise how would he just stop so easily?
It was more alarming to find he was in control when he was violent/aggressive, he actually admitted he chose to act this way to scare us into submission!
“I was always in control” “I’d do the same again to get the message across”
Like he was being a good teacher of life lessons not a man who couldn’t handle his anger. -
Nope, a harsh answer but my experience. I had this sort of talk with my ex about 6 months before we broke up. He used to call me horrible names in a mick taking sort of way and various other things that made me feel horrible it stopped for a little bit before it slowly filtered back. They can alter their behaviour to suit their needs but that isn’t them chnaging it I just another mask.
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Google the “cycle of abuse” in domestic abuse and there are great books to read. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Lundy Bancroft, Why does he do that. Get in touch with your local women’s aid. Mine never changed for long. Once he realised he was losing control he would change and become Mr Nice. Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde.
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One other thing that I notice is that you are grateful, giving him credit for treating you the way any decent human being should. He hasn’t shouted at me for a week. He should never never ever have started shouting at you. It’s his unacceptable dysfunctional behaviour and he won’t change X you deserve better 🌷
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It sounds like all he’s done is stopped using certain language. This perceived ‘niceness’ is all part of the cycle of abuse rather than lasting change. Unfortunately, every time they show a hint of positive behaviour we diminish or forget some of the bad stuff that has gone on.
I would guess he’s still not supporting you practically or emotionally? Do you feel comfortable in being able to discuss other problems with him or are you still treading on eggshells?
You have also mentioned sexual coercion with his threat to leave and what sounds like financial abuse in him making a solo decision about joint finances. -
Well my wait is over…he reverted to type (detail removed by moderator). He was shouting that if I don’t want to do something I f**k it up, just like I always do. When I tried to explain he shouted at me to F**k Off. Our (detail removed by moderator) year heard it all and so I found myself yet again telling him that they were naughty words that shouldn’t be repeated.
WalkerinthRain, yes i do feel like I walk on eggshells. When i have tried to talk to him he tells me it’s my fault, that if I wasn’t so stupid/slow/messy/dense then it wouldn’t be a problem. We don’t have shared accounts as he pays for the big items and I pay for all the day to day stuff. So i have acutally bought very few items of furniture and don’t have any savings as all my money is spoken for but I am trying to save money for a rental deposit. I don’t want to stay with him anymore but somehow I don’t feel i have enough reason to go. When i spoke to a counsellor I pretty much said that i needed him to become physical to go but even though this happened (he kicked me a few weeks ago and I was set to go but then he apologied – it totally threw me as he’s never even acknowledged his behavour before).
I’m not even sure how I would speak to him about it. I just feel so unhappy and unloved and I’m worried about the long term impact on our children.
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You can call the Women’s Aid line – they are amazing. The mere fact that you are posting here shows that you recognise his behaviour for what it is – abuse.
Now you’ve recognised it, how do you deal with it? Well all of us here can say there is no chance things will get better. Nada. None. Zero. The only way to end the abuse is to remove yourself from the situation. You are not stupid/dumb or any of those words he’s said and you will find the strength to break free.
Good luck xx
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Robin, I wasted so much time waiting for what I felt would be a ‘genuine’ reason to leave. I think I was waiting for it to get so serious that the decision to be taken out of my hands.
He apologised for kicking you so he could lure you back in. If he’s reverted so quickly to the put downs, then he could just as easily use more physical violence again.
Speak to the helpline if you can as they can provide more guidance on safety planning. Leaving is the most dangerous time as they are out of control. Please, please don’t discuss leaving with him.
You could also explore the option of an occupation order.
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