13th November 2020 at 7:16 pm #116347gettingtiredParticipant
Since realising he is an abuser I’ve been detaching myself from him. I haven’t been showing him any physical affection and have felt quite withdrawn trying to come to terms with it all and trying to work out what to do.
He’s obviously noticed this change and has been critical demanding to know what’s changed and why I’m behaving this way. He’s been nice, he’s been sad, he’s screamed at the top of his lungs at me in anger, put me down in all the usual ways. Eventually I snapped recently and told him he is abusive. I’ve said it before and he didn’t like it. I don’t know why I bothered. It’s like I want him to understand and change. Now he’s demanding to know why I’m still with him if I think that and started saying he no longer wants to be with me because I don’t make any effort, I dont show him any love, I don’t care about any of his problems.. it’s better when I’m out of the house apparently.
So now he’s actually saying he doesn’t want to be with me.. is it true? He seems very genuine when he’s said it. I think he is genuinely confused as to why I have changed and backed off from him and he said it’s getting him down/affecting his mental health. I do believe it is because I have been different and that would be hard for anyone to take if their partner suddenly stopped being themselves/showing love.
I’ve told him he makes me feel anxious and he said I make him anxious because of my moods and coldness towards him. I do think he walks on eggshells around me a bit when he knows I’m not happy but pretend I’m fine.
Anyway, here I am again. Groundhog day. Thinking oh gosh no, please don’t leave me. Thinking I just want to try to resolve things with him and continue. I just cannot make that leap of faith. Does it take some people years to actually pluck up the courage and strength to leave them? All I can think in my head is.. the longer you stay, the harder it will be.
It’s hard staying.. but I can’t leave.
13th November 2020 at 7:34 pm #116349KIP.Participant
He is not the victim in this. He’s the abuser and he’s doing the push and pull now. He’s tried everything else to get a reaction and it hasn’t worked so now it’s time to try this. He’s a liar and an abuser. He’s messing with your head. He’s mirroring you. You walk on eggshells so he walks on egg shells. You accuse him of being abuse and he accuses you and round and round you go. Look at the list of all the abusive episodes. He’s going nowhere and if he sees that you’re upset he will monopolise that. He’s not confused why you have changed. He’s confuse as to why his abuse isn’t working the way it did so he’s changing tactics. He absolutely knows he’s being abusive because he chooses to be abusive.
14th November 2020 at 10:25 pm #116373OptimysticParticipant
Hi gettingtired x
I’ve been doing the detachment thing too. I’ve just started getting accused of being grumpy. He thinks I’m grumpy and miserable, but he’s not actually wanting to talk about why I feel unhappy. He doesn’t care that I’m unhappy, he cares about the fact I’m not meeting his needs. I think! It’s really hard because I now feel guilty for being grumpy! It feels like we’re now in a sick game. I don’t like it at all either. I don’t know what to do when he notices because I then make an effort and I don’t want to! I think it boils down to the fact that there’s just no option of having a grown up, adult conversation about feelings and what we are experiencing. They are always right! They’ve done nothing wrong. We are to blame for everything. There is nothing we can say that will make them understand. They dont really care about us at all? I feel I’m inconveniencing him by not being fun and indulging him. He said last weekend, I’ve not been nasty for ages eh? That’s good isn’t it? But he has! Just in a different way. Nothing is real. Nothing is genuine love. You deserve everything in life and love. I am doing my best to listen to my own advice. You can too. Just try your best. I feel so much stronger than I did in the last 12 months. I suppose living like this for lots of years, then finally realising, will take a bit of time? Just keep going! I’m worried that detaching is putting you in harm’s way now. Does anyone have advice on this?
14th November 2020 at 4:33 pm #116361gettingtiredParticipant
Thanks KIP, that’s interesting because I’ve read about n********ts mirroring behaviour of their victims. I know you have to be careful with labelling though x
15th November 2020 at 5:04 am #116375KIP.Participant
My ex had many n********tic traits without having n********t personality disorder, detailed below. I think many abusers do have these traits but they choose to behave this way with people they know they can get away with. So they can definitely control this behaviour when they want to.
Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office
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