He's obeying the no contact and I should be happy..

[Janedoeissad]

He sent me a message when I first left and said a load of lovely things and asked if I was sure we were done. I said yes.

I’ve had two messages since only questions about practical things related to our split. Things I’d expect to be asked. He starts these messages by apologising for contacting me.

The lack of hoovering has thrown me. He’s stuck to my request to the letter. I’ve even unblocked his number. Did that a few days ago. Had nothing. No texts no calls.

It’s been a few weeks since I left. Should I be pleased or concerned?

The non rational part of my brain has decided that his lack of contact shows he wasn’t that bad really…but in trying my best not to listen.

[Malachite]

Firstly, well done for getting out! You are amazing for getting this far 🙂

I’ve seen some of your previous posts and it sounded bad enough to leave. Just because he is not being abusive now doesn’t mean it should invalidate your previous experience, surely? If someone was assaulted or abused by a friend/partner and decided to call it off, but the friend/partner didn’t harrass them afterwards and decided to just act civil, would you tell them it couldn’t have been that bad? Probably not! I realise you say it’s not a rational thought though so that probably didn’t help…

I’m not sure if you should be concerned or not because I haven’t been in this situation. I’ve left a sexually abusive guy before, but he wasn’t really into emotional abuse and hoovering, I think he just went and looked for his next target after a bit of guilt tripping, and we didn’t live together or anything thankfully so I could completely ignore him once I realised sexual abuse wasn’t a normal part of a relationship. Your ex could just be being careful so you don’t have any evidence against him. Or if he’s having counselling maybe it’s working? Or maybe he’s realised that you’re too strong for his mind games? Or maybe he’ll use this period of an example of when he was being nice to get you back? He doesn’t know where you’re living now does he?

I’m sorry I’m not very helpful, hope things get better and less confusing soon!

[SunshineRainflower]

I agree with Malachite, just because he’s not hoovering and stalking doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive and that it was a mistake to leave. He may also just be biding his time. Abusers are clever, some wait months before hoovering, some fear police involvement, some will have already lined up one or more victims and will only hoover when the new victims find them out. They have lots of different tactics. If you search in google about ‘why isn’t he hoovering me’ or something like that it will come up with some articles and videos about this exact scenario, it is common for victims to feel like this if the abuser doesn’t immediately hoover. Just keep sticking to your plans and getting the support you need, and maintain your safety in case he does decide to get in touch. My ex’s technique was to leave me alone for the first 3-4 weeks, and then he periodically got in touch with one text or call or letter. It was a sort of drip drip drip relentless yet sort of calm approach and it was very effective at nearly wearing me down. Others get stalked and harassed aggressively and violently, other abusers do smear campaigns, others will pretend to be civil, arrange a meetup to collect belongings then murder the woman. If you can get a few books out about abuse it might help, definitely read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft if you haven’t already plus the Pat Craven resources and Psychopath Free if you feel your ex was psychopathic (not all abusers are but mine certainly was).

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you for your responses.

Today he has emailed me about something practical to do with finances and it reminded me just how selfish he can be! He made out like he was doing me a favour with something when he failed to see the bigger picture and see just how much I’ve gone out my way for him. So his offer has angered me. He also inferred he was going to be in the house for “months”. I don’t think so mate!! I gave him time to find somewhere new but now I fee like he’s taking the mick.

SunshineRainflower, I think he might be using the drip feed approach. He intermittently sends me links to help/charity pages, I think he thinks he’s trying to show he cares as he’s found people who can “help me”. I find it incredible condescending and it angers me, so maybe he is hoovering but I’m missing the point? ha ha ha!

[SunshineRainflower]

That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read your posts, he is actually hoovering you but it is not coming in the format you expected so you weren’t recognising it at first! That’s why hoovering is so clever, it often looks very normal/innocent/concerned etc but it’s all just designed to keep up contact and keep up their control. If you read other posts on here you will see many women get trapped back again with the abuser if they keep up any sort of contact because the abuser tricks them into appearing civil/having a practical matter to discuss and the survivor then gets love bombed again and the cycle starts over.

My ex also used to do the faux concern ‘I’m worried about you’ ‘It’s all in your head, your mental health, and I want to help you’ and it was so patronising! It is a form of emotional abuse and gaslighting. Even by replying ‘don’t worry about me I’m fine’ means they get the contact they want, I just ignored my ex for months and he still kept trying to contact me, they tend to not mention that you are ignoring them and pretend like everything is normal. Once practical things are sorted out, go 100% no contact, and even then you can sort most things officially/through third parties which is the best way. Go no contact and your healing can start and in time you will see him much more clearly.

[KIP.]

Here comes the messing with your head. Trying to hook you back in with outrageous comments and suggestions. Any normal relationship he would just walk away. My ex didn’t contact me for a few days then every chance he got he would keep me hooked with questions and behaviour to make himself feel reasonable and in control. Twisting everything. Even saying it was him that ended things. Re writing history. Gaslighting again, do not expect him to be reasonable. My ex was stealing tens of thousands from behind my back. I just couldn’t see it. Make sure you have a good solicitor. If he is still in the marital home, he’s not going anywhere.

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Janedoeissad,
Haven’t left mine yet but the behaviour you describe is classic. My husband does it whenever I get really p****d and stand up to him or threaten to leave. Ignores me for a while, tests the waters with some inane question/matter then starts with the sickly sweet and condescending comments about how worried he is about my mental health!! He uses my mental health issues to control me, for decades he’s been telling me I’m paranoid and delusional so that I won’t say anything to anyone about his abuse. Please don’t get caught up in his traps again. I gave mine so many second chances I’ve lost count, but more importantly decades of my life. Stay strong best wishes

[Tiffany]

For me the sick feeling I got in my stomach was enough to know I didn’t want any contact with him. He was like yours Jane, the similarities in their behaviour all the way through have been weird. He also only contacted me about practical stuff. Seemed to respect my descision. His mask didn’t slip until it came to dealing with money. Then he acted weirdly. I didn’t recognise it for controlling abuse at the time, but that was what it was. Guilt tripping, being irrational. And then being super helpful. Packing my stuff for me to come and pick up. Leaving me nice food when he knew I had to come to our flat to collect things. And I knew he scared me, but it seemed so nice I would have been convinced he really was a good man trying his best, and that it was awful of me to be so utterly terrified of him. I guess I am lucky that I started to get flashbacks so quickly as it helped keep in mind how dangerous he was.

Another thought I had was that like my partner, you said that your ex was also abusive towards other people including his family? If I have remembered right it might be that he is amping up the abuse on other people making him less dependent on you for his fix. I am pretty sure this is what my ex did. He tried to get to me a few times since I cut all contact. I screwed up a few times, but now I just don’t respond and he seems to have given up. He only has one avenue for contacting me, which is my junk email account. And if he emails it again he gets blocked.

[Ayanna]

He gaslights you and he applies methods of subtle crazymaking.
He acts like a psychopath.

[KIP.]

Hey freedomfighter I was called paranoid and delusional. It amazes me how they even use the same terminology lol. I was told I need to see a psychiatrist. How I was a frigid c… or bi.ch. all typical language they use. Not even original.

[Janedoeissad]

Thank you all for your responses.

I have started counselling this week. The shocked look on her face when I told her some of the stuff he did was an eye opener for me. Also because it is person centered counselling I was scared she was going to question my leaving. She didn’t, not once. In fact she was marvellous. I talked at her for an hour! ha ha! Once I started I didn’t stop.

She agreed with you lot that he might be hoovering in a different way and that I should be wary.

Freedomfighter, your story made me sad and also made me realise how much has changed for me. I do what I like when I like but hadn’t realised how free I was until I sat and thought about it recently. You will get there, be kind to yourself and know that you are a brilliant person who deserves so much more than what you are getting now.

Things are definitely on the up and I know I did the right thing.

[iwillbeok]

Hi all,

I too have felt the paradox of the compliance with no contact. I was expecting a torrent of messages and ‘accidental’ sightings once the non-molestation order expired. I was hyper-vigilant (and still am occassionally) for ages before it became clear that he wasn’t going to harrass me. Then I started second guessing myself – did I really need to go through the non-mol/occupation order in the first place or would he have just left me alone anyway? Was the abuse as bad as I thought it was or was I over-reacting? Why wasn’t he hoovering? Was I not worth the effort?

Thank you for the suggestion, SunshineRainflower, to google ‘why is he hoovering?’ – I read a number of articles and have also realised there have been a number of attempts to get a reaction out of me (detail removed by moderator).

Then the other day I got a letter in the post addressed to him. Something that he would have had to fill in well past the split and living in separate houses. So tempted to return to sender! That way its not using kids or me having to re-direct – both of which shows an interaction from me. Or will this leave me open to him asking (again with kids as messenger) for letter when he realises it not forthcoming?

How to show that you’re not ‘reacting’ when every bit of contact (even though not direct) makes you react?! Makes my head spin!

[Author]

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