He’s only cruel to me – all his friends think he’s lovely

[Strengthinlove]

Hi everyone
(I’m new to posting so apologies if I gave too many details)

So I’ve already posted on the leaving section as hopefully I’m leaving an abusivd relationship this week – but one thing I can’t get my head around …
and he also tries to play with my head about this

Is WHY he’s only abusive to me and why others just don’t see this – it’s really confusing

He’s been psychologically manipulative and abusive for most of our relationship yet when he does have nice days he’ll chat and pretend he’s the most grown up rational person and that he’s tried to ‘help’ me and I’m just argumentative and awkward and ruined the relationship …

His continual micro aggressions and put downs after the love bombing wore off meant I just constantly tried to explain myself and change so he wouldn’t get angry as the least thing could make him lose his temper – yet he accused me of manipulating him etc

Basically there were massive red flags from the start which I just didn’t see or ignored as he really was a different person when we first met (I guess this will sound familiar to a lot of you) and I really wanted to please him to get back to the dream man from before.
Sorry long post

I guess what I’m wasting my time trying to figure out is why no-one else seems to know he’s like this?!

I’m an emotionally mature woman and very able to talk through problems due to my own counselling and previous profession so I couldn’t understand how there was this seemingly v successful lovely quiet shy ‘humble’ guy and no-one else is prepared to admit he has a bad side

I naively at the beginning when things started to get weird contacted an ex of his (who he still sees regularly through work) and she just blocked me and when I asked another friend she swore he didn’t have a temper

(I know it was a v bad idea contacting his ex but I just thought she’d be mature and but my mind at rest)

He’s trying to convince me that all the abuse is my fault and he’s never lost his temper with anyone before (which he does on a nearly daily basis now – when he’s not ‘angry’ he always speaks to me in a hectoring or derogatory tone – I know some men are provoked by women they find attractive –
Has anyone been in a similar situation ?

I know I’m probably wasting my time looking for answers but it feels so unjust/unfair how he has this fake successful front and no-one acknowledges what he’s really like!

Xx

[Shura]

Hi. First of all, congratulations on having the courage to leave.
As to understanding him and why he is treating you like that, focus on you. As soon as you leave, go no contact. Even if you have children together. No need to communicate with him directly, can be done through friends or your family members.
By understating yourself more youll know why he chose you as his victim. The thing about abusers is they choose very carefully who they abuse, there are characteristics in you, something about you that allows him to think youre the perfect victim. Your good heart, your understanding, your obedience, your lack of boundries, can be anything. The only way you`ll understand this is by not having him in your life.
There`s nothing wrong in looking for answers but to find them you need to look deep in yourself.
People like him will be saints to the outside world and monsters to those closest to them.
It is not your job to convince anyone of what he really is, it is however your job to put yourself 1st and live your life abuse free. it doesn’t matter what others see, what matters is that what you see and feel is not acceptable to you. There are too many people in the world, but theres only one you and you have the choice to live the life you want. Dont let the search for answers stopping you form living your life. sometimes its best to leave it(him) be and let the karma do the work. Answers you need will come with time.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi & thank you for posting. Lundy Bancroft’s book, “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry & Controlling Men”, helped me to make sense of why my ex was so abusive & cruel to me, but kind & lovely to others. Two things to keep in mind-

1) The fact that you observe him being kind and not abusive to others proves that his abuse is 100% a calculated choice. His abuse of you isn’t some sort of compulsion, mental illness or something he does because he’s out of control. The fact that he’s kind & generous to others but abusive & awful to you behind closed doors shows that he’s capable of treating people well, he just purposely chooses not to treat you well because he enjoys being abusive towards you. It is absolutely not your fault that he is abusive.

2) Being nice is part of the abuse, and being nice to other people is a very calculated move on the part of the abuser. They do this for several reasons. First, by being nice to everyone else it helps them to hide what they are doing at home. If and when the woman they are abusing confides in others, tries to leave, or seeks help, it increases the likelihood that people in his circle won’t believe her. After all how could such a “nice” guy possibly be an abuser? So by being nice to others, but abusive at home, it helps the abusive man to cover his tracts, isolate his victim, & make it less likely that his friends & family will believe her. Secondly, by being nice to others but abusive to his partner, it allows the abusive man to blame his partner for the abuse. My ex used to say things like “you’re the only person that I have a problem with. I get along with everyone else.” Eventually he started accusing me of abusing him & being the one to blame for his mistreatment of me. Even after physically assaulting me he would blame me & say that it was something I had caused him to do. He’d say things like he’s normally calm & kind to others so if he behaves that way with me it had to be something I was doing wrong.

So again, these men are kind to others but abusive to us because it is a very calculated choice on their part. Helps them to hide their abuse, isolate us & decrease the likelihood that others will believe us when we seek help, and it helps them to shift blame & blame us for their abuse. The reality is, there will be some people who will never believe that your soon to be ex is abusive. No matter how much information you give them, no matter how much evidence you gather, they will not believe you. I’ve had to make peace with that myself. But at the same time, there will be many people who will believe you & who won’t be captivated by your soon to be ex’s charm & charisma. People who love you & know you will believe you and support you. After I left my ex several of my close friends told me that they had long felt there was something off about him, that they felt we weren’t a good match from the beginning, and one even said that my ex always seemed like he was performing in public. People will believe you & those who don’t aren’t your people.

Something I’ve had to make peace with is the fact that so many people will never see my ex for who he really is, which is a monster. It is really hard sometimes because I wish more people could see his true colors, but I’ve also had to accept that it’s not my job to convince anyone that I was abused. I try to focus on building a lovely life for myself & for my kids & that helps a lot.

[Strengthinlove]

Hi Shura and SMS <3

Thankyou both for taking time to answer and what you say makes perfect sense

(And thanks for the book recommendation- hope to get it when I’m safely settled at my friends)

I can especially relate to what SMS says about being blamed for his anger – and yes being told many times it’s only me he has a problem with (he is apparently very good friends with his ex)
He started saying I had a problem and was paranoid very early on when I realised he was creating some pretty severe triangulation with his ex (won’t mention details) and when I naturally reacted to this as being odd at the beginning of the relationship (I mean we’re not young kids messing around) we were both in our (detail removed by Moderator) and were (I thought) embarking on a serious relationship… I was the crazy paranoid one.

He calls me crazy a lot, tells me I need counselling (which to me is a healthy mature thing to do anyway and not an insult) and blames everything on me.
He can be saying the nastiest lowest things then the next day not even acknowledge he said them – (he started quite early on with gaslighting and denied even saying those thing)

Why I didn’t leave then I’ve no idea 🙁 but the initial love bombing was so strong I stupidly thought I had actually found ‘the one’

I’m aware it’s a choice as he’s got nothing to lose as he has 0 respect for me and he definitely only cares about his public image.

I do relate to the frustration that the ‘real’ truth about him isn’t known by his friends and it also feels so unfair as he’s living the life of Reilly – is adored by fans of his work and is generally doing really well whilst I’m now ‘broken’ after being with him, no confidence, couldn’t keep up friendships as put all my emotional energy into trying to make the relationship work
(He put in 0 effort once he started gaslighting)

Can I ask you both something? did you experience also an almost complete personality turn around?

So ‘he’ was the very lovely sweet charming romantic man (that others see) when we first met – I go for quiet bookish types, I e never been together with what I would have labelled your average extrovert ‘macho’ man, so I was completely shocked and taken aback when he started saying the things he did – the sudden misogynistic hatred seemed so out of character I thought ..

Sorry for the really long post – it’s just really helping me to share this now I’m finally accepting what’s been going on

X*x

[SingleMomSurvivor]

My ex did very similar things to what you described. He also maintained a close friendship with an ex and when I asked him to set some boundaries he was extremely irritated & acted as though he was being inconvenienced. He also pretty early into our relationship started calling me paranoid, which eventually led to him saying I was crazy, which eventually led to him telling other people that I was crazy, on psych meds & severely mentally ill (none of which was true). Because his abuse was all behind closed doors, people in his circle believed the things he said about me, and I’m sure they still do believe it. I’ve made peace with that. I’ve had to because there is absolutely nothing I could ever do to change those folks’ minds.

These abusive men are extremely skilled at appearing charming & harmless & even loving, especially at the beginning of a relationship when they are trying to charm their victim. When the abuse starts, it’s not because their personality has changed. The nice guy act that they engaged in at the start of the relationship is a very calculated choice and a part of their abuse. Being nice is part of the abuse. I think there was a time where I used to think the nice part was the real him, and the horrible abusive stuff was just an outlier. Over time, especially as the abuse intensified and got worse, I came to realize the abusiveness is the real him & the nice guy act is just part of the abuse. The more time that passes since I left, the more incidents of abuse I’m able to identify. Hindsight is also always 20/20 and now I’m able to identify subtly abusive things he did within the first few months of us dating. Try not to be hard on yourself for not seeing the early signs. These men are master manipulators.

I know you called yourself “stupid” but you are far from it! ❤️❤️. You are not to blame for his choice to be abusive. You are a kind, loving soul & he took advantage of your kindness & capacity to forgive. Of course you would not suspect that someone who presented as a kind, gentle person would turn out to be a horrible abusive person. You are on this forum, asking questions & educating yourself about abuse and you are getting support. That makes you incredibly smart & brave.

Something to keep in mind is that these men call us crazy to avoid facing the truth about themselves. Deep down, he knows you’re not crazy. I mean if you were as crazy and as paranoid and as unhinged and as unstable as he says why would he stay in a relationship with you? He knows all of these things are lies. He says these things in order to get you to start doubting yourself and to get you to start relying more on his perception of things. And also he says these things to help himself feel better about himself & his abuse of you & to make the abuse justifiable in his mind. He also says these things because he’s laying the groundwork for making himself the victim, which is something a lot of abusive men did. After my ex went around telling people I was crazy etc etc next came the “she’s abusing me” lies.

You are not crazy and you are not stupid. You are wonderful and brave and you can trust your perceptions. ❤️

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Posting this excerpt from the Lundy Bancroft book:

“DO ABUSIVE MEN HAVE SPLIT PERSONALITIES?
Not really. They are drawn to power and control, and part of how they get it is by looking good in public. The abusive
man’s charm makes his partner reluctant to reach out for
support or assistance because she feels that people will
find her revelations hard to believe or will blame her. If
friends overhear him say something abusive, or police
arrest him for an assault, his previous people-pleasing lays
the groundwork to get him off the hook. The observers
think, He’s such a nice guy, he’s just not the type to be
abusive. She must have really hurt him.

The abuser’s nice-guy front helps him feel good about
himself. My clients say to me,
“I get along fine with
everyone but her. You should ask around about what I’m
like; you’ll see. I’m a calm, reasonable person. People can
see that she’s the one who goes off.”

Meanwhile, he uses
the difficulties that she is having in her relationships with
people -many of which may be caused by him as further
proof that she is the one with the problem.”

[Marmalade]

There’s little I can add except this sounds typical. My ex is respected and adored generally. I know his circle could never believe me. I would struggle if I was them. The facade he presents is too good. I also know how vicious he could be about people behind their backs, but to their faces, an adorable man. I haven’t even tried to reach out to his acquaintance. There really is no point and it would be damaging to be rejected.
He also presented as sweet, kind, devoted and perfect when I met him (I also do not go for “macho” types). Again typical. You fall hard for them, get emmeshed and then their true personality appears.
The accusations of crazy, mad, unstable etc seem to be universally used by these men. As though they have a textbook. Think, how else would they respond? They have to explain why someone would make allegations against them, so say the accuser is mad.
It’s standard for men to say this to police in interviews. Sadly some people can find them plausible as the woman is often sobbing, traumatised and anxious by the time the matter gets reported/there is an incident leading to separation.
Moving forward, don’t worry about others. Those who matter will believe you and support you. Don’t waste time trying to convince doubters.
Move on, look after yourself and know that his behaviour is his responsibility, and you will only upset yourself and keep yourself in the loop by trying to unpick it. As others have said, these men behave this way because they want to and because they think they will get away with it behind closed doors.
Good luck moving out.

[ladiesand gentlemen]

Same here.I’m so sorry for all you are having to go through !!!
Stay strong xx

[Strengthinlove]

Thankyou everyone for all your answers here ❤️ … a lot to take in!

It’s making me cry as I’ve spent all the time with him trying to figure out why/how I wasn’t good enough and how I could get him to be loving and affectionate again.

(After the initial really really intense love bombing he quite soon went to being generally unaffectionate, throwing me the odd crumb now and again and went totally cold on any compliments and or supportive words)

He’s basically spent most of our time together undermining me – but even now I’m sat here wondering if some of it was my fault, as I’m intelligent and outspoken and used to defend myself when he said unreasonable things …. I don’t bother any more as there were whole evenings of abuse followed by stonewalling where I’d be there crying and begging him to talk to me 🤯

The piece from the Lundy book makes total sense – Thankyou SMS 💜
especially the fact I have fallen out with a couple of people mainly due to the stress of our relationship, meaning I started being quite a bit socially anxious and also yes ‘paranoid’ as I started to think others saw me as he did – I lost so much self confidence … but when I confessed these issues to him he then threw them all back in my face in arguments as ‘proof’ that I’m a nasty person who doesn’t get on with people … (he cleverly omits all the other friends he knows I have) and if I tell him I’m insecure or socially anxious he calls me a liar and says I’m just manipulative – calling me a liar is his favourite.

Sorry such a lot of information I just feel I have to write it down to validate what’s happening.

I appreciate all the help and support of anyone who’s been through this as I just feel shell shocked that this is happening

X 💕

[SingleMomSurvivor]

It is incredibly shocking and disorienting once you start to realize what is going on and that it is abuse. These men are masterminds at twisting words, distorting facts, using things you say against you. I’ve been through that too with my ex. Always happy to offer support and answer any questions you have. Keep posting ❤️

[Hereforclarity]

I think I’m only echoing what others have said – but you’re right. Being in your situation is very unjust and unfair, not to mention crazy-making, disorienting and everything else that comes with being with a psychologically abusive person.

People like your partner know what they’re doing and how harmful it is to others. It took me so long to accept this and not pay attention to the moments when he seemed rational/reasonable and made out my reactions or “emotional instability” were the problem.

It took me until (detail removed by Moderator) – to leave and not look back.

All those times where I was doubting whether he had control over how he was (telling myself he didn’t mean to hurt me) and feeling compassion for all his own trauma he told me about endlessly… It stole years from me. He would outright tell me I had all kinds of issues, that I was selfish and I was the one creating an emotionally unsafe environment and this is why he kept me out of so many parts of his life.

Your husband demonstrably has control of his behaviour as he knows not to treat others the way he’s treating you. You have all the knowledge you need to make decisions for yourself – you don’t have to wait for the proof even if others in your life aren’t able to see it.

It sounds like you’re doing incredibly well and it’s so strong to get to a place where you’re ready to leave. Also try and remember this can happen to absolutely anybody – keep reminding yourself of the reality of how things are in this crucial moment and I hope posting on here is helping.

Big hugs x

[Author]

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