He’s said no to Divorce and threatened I will get nothing if I go ahead

[Hereforhelp]

I haven’t been separated long, so this is all new to me and my head spins from when I wake up until bedtime, even then my head is full of what iff’s.

I want to divorce him, one of my children has asked me to not have him back home, I do not intend to. What has scared me is him looking me in the eye and telling me he doesn’t want a divorce and if (detail removed by moderator). He currently gives me money (he has always controlled finances and given me money, when I have to ask). Now we are separated and suddenly he is saying he is broke, I am better off than him, he doesn’t spend anything on himself so therefore won’t spend anything on his children (I pay for everything, I have zero money coming in atm as they have changed it since separated so I have to wait.
I am afraid of going ahead with the solicitor I found who said they would take my case on for free as it’s a few decades of coercive control which can be proved. But I am so scared of losing everything, how do I pay for everything? I want a divorce so he stops coming in our home, I leave when he is here as he bullies me, (detail removed by moderator)… I need to find the strength to keep going and atop doubting myself. For so many years everything was my fault, I am the one in control, I am the abusive partner, I can’t do what he does (work and drive or whatever his dig is).
When he got the letter from solicitors he changed (as he always does, i see it now, I cannot unsee it now it’s how to deal with it I struggle with).. he cut us off, ignored us (which worried my children) the suddenly he keeps saying he has changed, he doesn’t feel angry like he used to, he acts like a broken victim, even pretend crying (never ever with tears)… my children pick up on his sadness but also say they’re confused by his behaviour as hiw he acts is at odds with how he is!! He expects me to leave my family home whenever he wants to visit our children, we’ll I do not want to anymore. He will say so many horrible things to me but I want to tell him today that it isn’t going to be like that and we need set times and he needs to find somewhere to live permanently but I know when I stand up to him, even calmly saying it that he will react with some strong emotion, anger, hurt victim, silent treatment before walking out the front door as he knows I will worry as he keeps saying he is suicidal… sorry for long post, I feel so sick with anxieties yet know this is just the beginning and I have a long road ahead. I have the book by Lundy to start tonight. I am so glad I have this forum, I feel I have understanding and am learning so much through reading what others have gone through, seeing similar patterns, I don’t think I could do this without support, so thank you all x*x

[KIP.]

My advice is to get an occupation order to exclude him from the property until the divorce is settled. Your solicitor can do this and that means he has no rights to be there. He’s going to lie and threaten whatever he thinks will give him the upper hand. My ex did this too. Threatening to give up his work and business so I get nothing. But I’m sitting with the marital home signed over. Don’t listen to a word he says. Talk to your solicitor. If he wants to see the kids then he arranges access via a solicitor at times agreed by you. You need to take control of this or he will simply continue his abuse. The solicitor and court if it comes to it will see you get your fair share and that’s what he’s worried about. Keep all his threatening messages. And I’d consider report him to the police. Are you in touch with local women’s aid? If not then please get them on board.

[Hereforhelp]

Ho KIP, I am unsure, I have looked up women’s aid in my area and women’s refuge comes up, is that where I start? I don’t know what to say to the police, is it the coercive control they can help with? I have no self worth or confidence, I used to many years ago. So I am sorry if I do not make sense with what I am saying. He has really done a number on me, I let him do that without realising what was happening… in the end I would have sex with him or perform a sex act just so I could go put somewhere without any moods from him… I loathe myself for doing that, I didn’t intentionally do it, prostitute myself, I now realise it was a way of calming his moods, he also liked to put his stamp on me before I went anywhere, like a wolf who does a wee on his turf!! How do I forgive myself for doing that?

[KIP.]

You have nothing to forgive yourself for. When we are abused we do what we have to do to survive. There is a national domestic abuse helpline that can help you to find your local women’s aid. And they’re really helpful. It sounds like sexual assault and coercive control but we minimise the abuse to survive. The police have a domestic abuse unit and you could ring them for guidance x taking back control and reporting actually empowered me x and I know about destroyed confidence and self esteem but that can be built back up x

[Hereforhelp]

I want to go to the police, what stops me is my husband saying the only reason he is still alive is because of the children and has begged me not to stop him seeing them. I will phone the National domestic abuse helpline, i do want to gain back some confidence, self worth and I am challenging myself. thank you for your support xx

[KIP.]

Threats of suicide is a very common tactic and if he’s serious then there’s nothing you can do. He needs a professional. And he shouldn’t be around the children if he’s suicidal. Ring an ambulance if he says he suicidal and see how he back tracks when the ambulance men threaten to section him. These men are despicable liars. Try to limit all contact. Zero contact is how to get through this with the least amount of harm and this is the most dangerous time for you, when you’re separating so keep your phone on you fully charged at all times x

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