He’s still in touch with family members

[Lottieblue]

I discovered today that my estranged husband is still communicating (regularly?) with a family member (by marriage). Another family member (by marriage) told me this, not realising that I didn’t know, and telling me she thought I should have a word (with my relative) to draw a line under it. This particular relative is one of these people who doesn’t know how to be unkind. He’s a “nice” person. He will have been getting the victim patter and the sob story and will have been saying “there there”.
I don’t see him that much, but it must put his wife (my direct relative) in a really awkward situation, particularly as she has said nothing to me so obviously feels uncomfortable about it.

My husband likes my family much more than his own – rightly so as they are toxic. I don’t really know how I should feel. Do I have any right to forbid that relationship? The relative (by marriage) who was talking to me today said she felt it was important that my family declared their allegiances in order to support me as things progress towards divorce. She is worried that my husband could use the fact that he still has a relationship with my family against me, but I don’t think he can.

Thoughts? Feeling v vulnerable again.

[maddog]

It’s horrible when this happens. I’ve just been triggered by the same sort of thing. A family member of his wants to see the children and really doesn’t get it. If I speak to her, she will share information with him which causes so many problems. She’s also a ‘nice’ person.

Unfortunately we can’t control the behaviour of anyone else. My ex used to get in contact with my friends and family to justify his appalling behaviour. In the end my solicitor dealt with it. His own family of course is his own.

It’s horrible feeling triggered and vulnerable. With your own family, you might be able to ask them not to share information about you. Abusers don’t have normal relationships whatever they may look like. Abusers have tools which they pick up and put down as needed.

I’ve never told my ex where I live. I am mortified that his relation will no doubt have shared this information with him. It makes me shudder.

[Lottieblue]

I’m not worried about anything being shared, I don’t think, and there are no children in play (all adults) and I don’t feel in physical danger. I think I just feel betrayed. Like everyone, I desperately need my support network and he is infiltrating it. And by giving them the “poor me” line I think they find it increasingly difficult to see the reasons behind my actions (1: leaving, 2: no contact). We have been married a long time and, as I said, have adult children (who of course also link him in to my family) so it’s difficult for them to suddenly cut him off completely. But it’s also that he is putting a strain on my family, because the partners of those he’s contacting are then put in the middle. I think I also feel betrayed by them for not being up front about these telephone calls. It’s like they are trying to protect him.
I’m feeling worse today than I have in a long time 😔

[iliketea]

@lottieblue sorry to hear this. It is really tough. I had this, not with someone I was related to, but an old old friend. In the end I just had to let that friendship go. These men do seem to do this, scrabble around for attention and sympathy from whoever will give it, and closer to your own circle of support the better. Not sure what to advise. First up I’d think say to your ex you’d rather he didn’t but then if he’s anything like mine that will make him do it more. Speak to the people he’s calling and explain how you’re feeling? Or speak to your family members and ask them to relay it to their partner? None of those are ideal scenarios, I understand that. Or, not say anything and foster deeper friendships/ties with those that have absolutely nothing to do with him at all. It is like a punch in the stomach and you can feel very hurt from this. Ignoring it may just be the best thing. Focus on the ones who dont speak to him. If you have to explain yourself and your actions to anyone then Im not sure that person is really worth your friendship/time. Sending a big hug. Its not easy this “journey” is it? Pm if you’d like to talk more. xx

[Lottieblue]

I hate him.

Now my mum is asking me to tell her things so that she doesn’t hear them from him first.
I discovered last night that he shared something with her (re our divorce) that I had chosen not to. Months ago.

Again – I hate him.

[KIP.]

This is going to sound brutal but if members of your family are keeping contact with him it says much more about their behaviour than yours. I asked my family to have zero contact with my ex and if any had continued I’d have cut them out my life, this was because of my mental health as well as safety and setting boundaries. You can bet he’s twisting things behind your back and it’s going to impact on those relationships with your family. Some will fall for his manipulation and there is no end to this so I’d make a stand now for your own sanity because it’s going to get worse. And won’t stop x

[KIP.]

Also, tell them not to pass on any information about him. You’re simply not interested and have moved on.

[iliketea]

Sorry you’re going through this @lottieblue Sending a big hug. x

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