He’s the kids’ hero

[Bingowashisname0]

(detail removed by Moderator) after we broke the news to our children, mom and dad just couldn’t make it work…and it’s killing me to see that he’s still their hero. Of course I only want the best for them, and a happy healthy relationship with both of us as we split is all I want for them. Underneath, I’m reeling. I know it makes me bitter… but if they knew the things he’d done, the lies, cheating, pain and emotional manipulation then they would be destroyed… which of course I absolutely don’t want.
(detail removed by Moderator) he is jovially moving a few of his things out, our kids are so awesome that they’re helping him in great spirit. I think they’re feeling sorry for him and are trying to make it easy for him. I can’t believe how amazing they are.
He’s moved (detail removed by Moderator), so they will be popping in as they please and staying as much as they like (although we have agreed to sit down and create a more formal plan).
Like a lot of us, I think this will create another thread of pull where I will want him back. I just hope I can stay strong… seeing how much the kids idolise him makes me question all the stuff that’s happened and I slip back into thinking that I’m mental and I brought this on myself.
Is there anyone out there who managed to stay split up when they had an amicable break up??
TIA

[Better-days]

I hope you are ok as I know your post was a few weeks ago what you have is a good think if you can have an amicable split with kids involved. Kids always feel more sorry for dads as they are not as strong or appear to be as us mums. I would give my right arm to to have what you have if I leave my son is going to be I. The middle of a world war which is why I am were I am today. I can’t stand my partner my son adores him. He asked our son who’s his favourite all the time my son says daddy but I know he only says it to please him. Your kids will have you up on a higher pedistole even tho they don’t show it. Hope you are ok

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you Better-days.
I understand what you are saying. And I know it will be the best thing all round for the kids to still have a positive perception of their dad… and to continue their excellent relationship.
I’m gradually moving out of the bitter stage (it comes and goes)… and now we’ve begun the journey of co-parenting, a lot of my initial anxieties about him turning the kids against me or trying to take them off me are going. I think I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for. In the last week, my parenting has never been so d**n good… and I’m happy. The tension in the house has lifted and the kids seem happier too. A friend tried to reassure me early on that most men don’t have the same nurturing capacity woman do and there was no danger of him wanting to take the kids. I didn’t believe her… but oh my days. He’s been useless.. he’s made excuse after excuse not to have them, accused me of treating him as a babysitter (when I checked he was still ok to have them so I could go visit a friend… despite it being a day on the rota). The rota hasn’t been implemented hardly. And I know he struggles with the two youngest ones so they get returned early… like literally after 2 hours. It’s such a relief. And I’ve managed to keep my dignity about it all, especially round the kids… I say ‘daddies just really busy and misses you’, ‘daddy is just doing his best to get his new place sorted and safe for you’, ‘daddy is sorry he’s working so much but he loves you’. And I honestly think my older kids might be getting it… seeing me maintain dignity and positivity all the time.
I honestly feel stronger and a better person already… I wish I’d left years ago. But I’m going to make d**n sure I make the most of thus new person I’m becoming.
Better-days, I hope things can work out for you as well. I understand the reasons why we stay and I completely get why you’re conflicted as to stay or go, it’s so hard. I was prompted into my epiphany when I discovered his cheating for the second time (and still had reservations and thoughts of ‘but it was my fault, I can be better’). And when I started to openly talk to a close friend about some of his behaviours a lightbulb turned on when she told me he had been gaslighting. The more I read, the more I realised and believed I’d been stuck in emotional abuse for all those years. I cried for hours. I re-lived everything and had a huge realisation of the extent of what I’d put up with. I kept focusing on that and the fact I wanted my kids to be raised around a happy mom, in a tension free home, a place they see good moods not bad. Those are the things which have focused me. I really hope you come through with a positive outcome… keep reminding yourself how strong you are… you don’t know it or believe it because they chip that away from you, but Better-days you will be fine in the end lovely. It will be tough at first but seriously you are amazing and will thrive. I know I’m still in very early days with all of this, but my realisations of inner strength are growing every day. I know this could be you as well.
I wish you so much luck and love along your journey. We’re here for each other. What ever you choose or achieve. Good luck and all the best x*x

[Bingowashisname0]

Thank you Better-days.
I understand what you are saying. And I know it will be the best thing all round for the kids to still have a positive perception of their dad… and to continue their excellent relationship.
I’m gradually moving out of the bitter stage (it comes and goes)… and now we’ve begun the journey of co-parenting, a lot of my initial anxieties about him turning the kids against me or trying to take them off me are going. I think I’m stronger than I gave myself credit for. In the last week, my parenting has never been so d**n good… and I’m happy. The tension in the house has lifted and the kids seem happier too. A friend tried to reassure me early on that most men don’t have the same nurturing capacity woman do and there was no danger of him wanting to take the kids. I didn’t believe her… but oh my days. He’s been useless.. he’s made excuse after excuse not to have them, accused me of treating him as a babysitter (when I checked he was still ok to have them so I could go visit a friend… despite it being a day on the rota). The rota hasn’t been implemented hardly. And I know he struggles with the two youngest ones so they get returned early… like literally after 2 hours. It’s such a relief. And I’ve managed to keep my dignity about it all, especially round the kids… I say ‘daddies just really busy and misses you’, ‘daddy is just doing his best to get his new place sorted and safe for you’, ‘daddy is sorry he’s working so much but he loves you’. And I honestly think my older kids might be getting it… seeing me maintain dignity and positivity all the time.
I honestly feel stronger and a better person already… I wish I’d left years ago. But I’m going to make d**n sure I make the most of thus new person I’m becoming.
Better-days, I hope things can work out for you as well. I understand the reasons why we stay and I completely get why you’re conflicted as to stay or go, it’s so hard. I was prompted into my epiphany when I discovered his cheating for the second time (and still had reservations and thoughts of ‘but it was my fault, I can be better’). And when I started to openly talk to a close friend about some of his behaviours a lightbulb turned on when she told me he had been gaslighting. The more I read, the more I realised and believed I’d been stuck in emotional abuse for all those years. I cried for hours. I re-lived everything and had a huge realisation of the extent of what I’d put up with. I kept focusing on that and the fact I wanted my kids to be raised around a happy mom, in a tension free home, a place they see good moods not bad. Those are the things which have focused me. I really hope you come through with a positive outcome… keep reminding yourself how strong you are… you don’t know it or believe it because they chip that away from you, but Better-days you will be fine in the end lovely. It will be tough at first but seriously you are amazing and will thrive. I know I’m still in very early days with all of this, but my realisations of inner strength are growing every day. I know this could be you as well.
I wish you so much luck and love along your journey. We’re here for each other. What ever you choose or achieve. Good luck and all the best x*x

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