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My marriage has been in trouble a long time, we’ve lasted as long as we have without arguments because I’ve kept quiet rather than disagreeing with him.
He thinks the world is against him, and that people are either with him or against him, so disagreeing with him causes massive arguments.
Recently though it’s been harder to avoid the arguments as he’s been picking at me because I’ve not felt up to being intimate with him. Not surprising when I’m so miserable with him.
He’s constantly negative, angry and miserable. He’s selfish. He treats our children as a massive inconvenience (always sending them out of the room so he can watch TV in peace, not listening to them, trying to skip doing things like helping them with their homework or spending time reading to them at bedtime). He controls our finances, even though I bring in the bulk of our money, he spends the bulk of it on stuff for him. He doesn’t get violent with me or the kids but he does shout, swear and hit things, or storm out of the house. He picks fights while the kids are awake, so that I have to give in rather than risk him losing his temper and scaring the kids, and they of course pick up on the tension. He tries to stop me going out, not by forbidding it, but by going on about how he’ll struggle with the kids on his own or constantly texting/calling me while I’m out.
There’s so much more too. All little things that add up to a constant sense of dread when I’m at home with him.
So of course I don’t feel like cuddling him or having sex with him. And he uses this as a stick to beat me with, I’m a bad wife for not being loving and intimate.
And when I try to point out all the things he does that hurt me he either denies they happen at all, blames me for them, or minimises them.
(detail removed by moderator) he picked a fight again, and when I pointed out that he didn’t let me go out anywhere he said “(detail removed by moderator)“. The last time I went out was before (detail removed by moderator) so he’s told me it’s not fair to judge him on something he hasn’t done for (detail removed by moderator)months. Nevermind the fact that I haven’t even tried to go out in those (detail removed by moderator) months.
He’s also told me we can’t split up because it will mean the kids losing their home, we have a joint tenancy. He’s also going on about how it will hurt the kids.
I need to get out, but I think he’s going to make it hard.
And he’s so manipulative when I try to talk to him I end up doubting myself, or just end up agreeing with him to make it stop. He kept talking at me (detail removed by moderator), so needed an early night. I had to just agree with him so he’d let me go to bed.
I don’t know how to get myself out and I’m annoyed at myself for letting him manipulate me again.
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Give Womens Aid a call. They’ll help you with all this. Your life sounds miserable and it must be affecting the children. I don’t have kids, but a lot of people on here fo and they’ll be able to advise you.
Keep posting. We all know how hard it is xx
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unfortunately some, no all abusive men use the kids as part of the abuse. because its ‘all about them’ the man. the kids are in the way and should be quiet/he babysits his kids for you! he dosent feed them and neglects them and your the one who feels guilty when you come home for being out. yeh this is the same as i experienced. there is a really good book by lundy bancroft called when dad hurts mom – it reveals all tbh its not easy getting away from an abusive man but if he is like this around your kids it is better for them in the long run if you separate. the mimic their role models and you take pot luck how they turn out – like you or abusive like him. i know that sounds harsh but this is what happened to me. my daughter struck me and she calls me abusive – she feels sorry for her dad because i walked away. i did the right thing by my youngest child by getting out. he will probably take you to court and play super dad. so start collecting your evidence now – keep a journal and subtley get across to your children what is acceptable and what is not. ie always have respect and dont be scared to ask that your boundaries are also respected. not easy with an abusive man but you can create examples and not necessarily name him, if you know what i mean. abusive men are detrimental to children theres not doubt about that. Womens aid provide great support for kids in the aftermath of this and theyre a good support in guiding you and the kids in recovering from this xxxx
reach out sending my support.
love diymum
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It will be hard and he will be difficult but it’s doable and it’s worth it!
Build up evidence so it helps ur ability to break away and get all the support.
Discussions have via text or record if you can safely. So threats and manipulation are then evidenced. He will deny everything so anything helps.
They always use the kids as the excuse because they are your weakness, I had this and got sucked into it for years! Think of it a different way, do you want them to continue seeing him way he is and think that’s ok, grow up like him? Risk them witnessing violence or being manipulated too? Use that as strength in knowing it’s best to leave.
Plenty of ways to keep him away, lots way to get support, legal help etc etc.
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