He’s trying, but I’m still planning

[Freedomfighter]

Hi,
Sorry for venting when so many of you have far bigger problems. It’s weird how when I read your posts everything seems so clear that you’re doing the right thing not going back and wanting to still leave etc. I know it’s probably just my ingrained guilt, programming etc, but I’m feeling bad because he really seems to be trying this time. I’m feeling low anyway, been put off work with stress so not earning full wage, slowing saving money and having 12 weeks wages to prove I can pay rent etc. I fell apart last week, but sticking myself back together bit by bit. You all help immensely. I told him in October I would leave if he didn’t start helping me sort the house out and work out our problems. He denies we have any except in my head, but still. I’ve been waiting and asking for new windows for 8 years- he kept saying there was no money but he’s been on holiday to (detail removed by moderator), bought a sports car and paid for himself and our sons to go skiing in the new year (all this year). Any one of these would have paid for the replacement glass units. This week he bought them, they’ve been fitted. I’m go smacked! I was so amazed and grateful I actually kissed his cheek and thanked him. I know, how could I when I’ve just recently realised he’s been abusing me for decades, but they were so bad I couldn’t tell if it was raining or not, dangerously cracked etc for so long… The odd thing was he seemed annoyed I’d thanked him for keeping his promise. Any way now the last couple of days he’s been doing jobs around the house too. I’m cooking meals for him. I know I shouldn’t wait on him especially when I’m working like crazy trying to make the house look nice and to keep myself busy so I don’t start freaking out and falling apart again. His moods are all over the place from barely concealed rage to laughter in an hour
However today he’s worked hard and has been agreeable
Sympathetic about my pain etc. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, I keep telling myself that. Yet here I am wondering if this time is different. He knows I mean it this time. He knows I’m saving money and have lost 5 stone so I can work more hours and I was much more confident than I’ve been in at least a decade. Maybe he’s just being nice so he doesn’t have to give me my half of the house, or that he’ll lose his slave, or that I’m going to tell someone etc. I keep telling myself if he really loves me he’ll start working on our problems, but my counsellor says he’ll just keep denying everything because it’s worked before. I shouldn’t abandon my plans, I know that, but there’s other reasons to delay leaving. I wasn’t planning to leave until March while he’s off skiing. Just afraid I’m going to get sucked back in with his lies and deception

[SunshineRainflower]

Not probably what you wanted to hear but I think it’s pretty common for them to do this. He’s gone back to the honeymoon stage as he’s realised his control is slipping. They are excellent at making us feel guilty, my ex excelled at it and I felt guilty most of the time. My ex also suddenly switched from being scarily angry and threatening to calm an ‘concerned’ when he clocked that I was preparing to leave.

The windows thing is also a classic thing they do – intermittent ‘rewards’ after lots of abuse to keep you reeled in. You’re so grateful for the one bit of kindness that a sense of relief floods your system and you feel amazing. But really, like you said, if he was really kind he would have fixed them months ago rather than going on holiday, leaving you with broken windows while he spends money on unecessary things.

Have you written down a list of all of the abuse? If not do that as soon as you can and read it back, it is helpful to read when they try to drag us back into the fog of abuse and confuse us.

[Freedomfighter]

I have SunshineRainflower, it’s how I started remembering all the early abuse. I couldn’t believe I’d buried so much. I started thinking I must be remembering it worse than it really was because he was being hateful at the time. It started before I married him, why had I married him after that? I thought there must be something wrong with me. But I was just a teenager then and he made me feel like no one would believe me and he made me feel guilty as he paid for the holiday. I lied to my parents saying I had my own room, not sharing one. I kept quiet because I was ashamed. He told me it was a mistake, a misunderstanding and since he’d force fed me half a bottle of vodka and he told me I’d had a nightmare when I fell asleep. I couldn’t be sure and he used that and guilt and his mask to convince me. I buried the memory until I started writing. Once that was out and written down all the rest came pouring out. It made me determined to sort myself out , then try again to leave. Thanks for your support. I know deep down he’s just trying to keep me trapped. Just been a rough week, tears and feelings like everything was falling apart, including me. He’s been really nice one minute, supportive and kind
But that’s making me feel guilty about leaving and I so needed a shoulder to cry on and a hug. He didn’t even push for sex. I know you’re right he just knows I’m not joking, he knows he’s in trouble. I have to just keep telling myself if he’s not prepared to stop the lies and scheming and guilting me into doing things then he doesn’t love me, just doesn’t want to lose control and share the money. That’s not love, that’s toxic and keeping me trapped. I know all this. It’s him putting all the guilt and doubt in my head. Just hard to stay strong when I’m feeling low, terrified of the future, this process of having to admit all this over and over to strangers, worrying about things getting out of control and the police getting involved. I couldn’t cope with that. He’d crucify me, crush me. Think I’m just afraid of everything I don’t want to happen, happening! I cracked under the pressure and that scared me. I can’t do that if I’m on my own. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed and he’s here. Does that make me weak?

[KIP.]

Reading your post above. My ex used to hurt me then cuddle to make it better. Then I would forget that he was the one doing the hurting and I would see him as the one that made things better. It’s total mind blowing dysfunction that comes with abuse. We get addicted to the feeling of him making things better and become to believe he is our saviour. In reality mine was violent and a rapist and I can tell you he raped me once, caught me crying and came back into the room. I thought to cuddle and comfort me. When he raged at me again I thought I was going to die. Not because he raped and raged but because he wouldn’t cuddle and make me feel better. That was a huge turning point for me when I really began to see I was heading for a major breakdown again. Please get out safely from this dysfunction. Read everything you can and keep posting x

[Freedomfighter]

Thanks Kip,
I will keep plodding on. Just a moment of weakness, madness! Even though I have realised he’s exactly like all the other abusers everyone here writes about, it’s still hard to believe. Things have been bad for so long, even the good bits were just tolerating each other. Having him being kind and considerate has thrown me I guess. It’s been such a long time since I’ve had cuddles and I realised how much I miss that. Just being close, feeling safe in his arms. I realise it’s all an illusion- I’m not safe in his arms at all, I’m more at risk. That’s what I was afraid of, falling back in to his traps. I just feel so exhausted and like I’m walking on a tightrope without a safety net. I just don’t know how to stop the fear. When I’m on a mission and working my socks off I’m fine, strong and thinking straight. I’m just feeling so low at the moment with everything going wrong trouble at work added stress, worrying about telling people so that I can get help and support. It got too much and I fell apart. Maybe if I keep telling myself he’s swooping on like a vulture because I’m feeling exhausted and weak right now. Cuddling a vulture isn’t so appealing!!! Thanks ladies, it’s good to talk and not having everything just whirling round and round in my head, wondering what he’s up to now. Have a good day both

[Author]

Posts