This topic contains 10 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Icandothis 6 days ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #113697
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    Its only been a couple of weeks since he left and he messaged me the other day saying he’d met someone else. After being nosey I found out that hes pretty much declared his love to her, showered her with gifts. It’s made me feel rubbish if I’m honest. I find myself questioning whether I made the right decision ending our marriage. I feel like I never meant anything to him if he can move on so quickly. And then I find myself second guessing whether I over reacted, whether the abuse was that bad. I’m struggling so much dealing with it. I just feel jealous, so jealous my head spins. Asking myself questions like, is she better than me? Does she satisfy more than i ever did? Cant shake it off

  • #113704
     KIP. 
    Participant

    This is so very very typical behaviour of an abuser. It’s in the Living with the Dominator book and it’s called triangulation. He’s using this other woman to mess with your head. Knowing you’re going to be feeling insecure and hoping you will come running back. Mine did exactly the same but I ran to a solicitor. It just goes to show How shallow and incapable of bonding he actually is. You or I wouldn’t even consider letting them know if we met someone else but these men deliberately go out of their way to absolutely make sure you know. I know the pain this causes but that’s his aim. Another reason not to go back to such a man that would do that to you. Take time and grieve for your relationship, good and bad. This will set you up in the long run where as he will always be an abuser and typical abuser love bombing in the first instance but she has a world of hurt coming. She may think like us she’s won first prize but the mask always slips and we discover it’s the booby prize. Set yourself goals and stick to them. Forge ahead with getting away and putting distance between you. I looked at it as simply another painful form of abuse but no worse than what he’s already done to you. You will get through this. Keep going x

  • #113705
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Forgot to say. Do not believe a word he says and don’t be drawn into his mind games. Absolutely zero contact and that includes social media. Block him on everything. Contact is toxic to us. Use a third party for contact if needed for practical reasons. He know exactly what he’s doing and always has x

  • #113708
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    I’ve read up on love bombing and basically how hes being with her is exactly how he was with me when we met. Constant compliments, buying me flowers, asking me to live with him in the first month. I fell for it and then a few months later the cracks started to show. He started distancing himself especially when he found out his ex was moving away. So yes I can see a pattern in his behaviour. I know if I was to go back I’d just be unhappy again like every other time. Trying to keep myself occupied with the kids and sorting Christmas. Which to be honest, I’m usually a late starter with Christmas but this way it gives me something to concentrate on

  • #113709
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Yes do whatever it takes to keep yourself occupied. You know exactly how he behaves. It’s just a pattern they follow. It’s not you. My abuser could be yourS and your abuser could be mine. It really isnt personal it’s just their nature to hurt and destroy. It won’t feel like it just now but she’s done you a big favour x they’re often so insecure they keep other women in the background ready to hook back in so dint fall for his pitY story If and when she dumps him x I used Claire’s Law and the police went round and Warned her. It was too late by then he’d persuaded her that I was the n****r. My ex was violent and a rapist but I’d still want to know if he was an abuser x just something to keep in mind depending on your circumstances x good riddance to bad rubbish x Concentrate on you and your kids and rebuilding the good relationships that no doubt he’s tried to destroy x

  • #113716
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    Its almost like I get an overwhelming feeling. Of, I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him. If that makes sense. I really am working on getting through this. I appreciate every bit of advice. It really helps

  • #113717
     KIP. 
    Participant

    I felt exactly the same and he’s counting on that. I suppose it’s only natural after a close relationship and especially an abusive one because they make us feel worthless. All our effort goes into keeping them happy. Our lives revolve round them so it feels strange when that void is there. They steal our self esteem and confidence but I believe you know deep down that nothing would change if he came back. He might be on his best behaviour for a little while but he would be storing up the punishment and you just wouldn’t see it coming. They get their pleasure in watching us hurt so don’t give him the opportunity. Time and zero contact are the best way to heal. When he sees you won’t engage with him, watch the real nasty man appear. He’s wearing a mask but you have seen what’s behind his mask and that’s the real person, not the person who love bombs you. He’s the fake one who hooks you in. Our minds tend to push the good thoughts to the front to protect us so try writing down all the abuse you suffered from him and how it made you feel.

  • #113788
     Scottish Thistle 
    Participant

    Your ex is like mine. A week after he stopped trying he was with someone else and basically moved in with her straight away – although it was for the convenience as he hated his temporary accommodation. Kept blaming me saying that I would soon realise what I had let go etc. He is currently being a Jekyll and Hyde on who he shows his true colours too, although more and more people are seeing the real him and telling me I am so much better off without him and that I appear more happier and look well – the little boosts that I need when having a wobble.

    Before I left he had broken me down that much I no longer cared if he walked out and left or found someone else. I think when I did finally leave it helped that I had that feelings so when he tried to win me back or throw woman and dating sites in my face he’d expect me to come running back to him – been there and done that so many times before that I know how the cycle works and I no longer want to be part of the cycle.

    As KIP. Says no contact is the best way to go, it has helped me immensely and was advised by both women’s aid and my solicitor. I do get annoyed every so often if I hear knew things him the girlfriend and her kids are up too but then I remember what I was put through. It does bother him the no contact as he is trying to contact family and friend just to get at me but it hasn’t worked as they have all slowly blocked him too.

    Keep yourself busy and your mind occupied and you will get through it, some days are harder than others but you will get there.

  • #113936
     Losingbattle 
    Participant

    I did have a slip last night to be honest. He went public with his new girlfriend (detail removed by Moderator). I was really annoyed because over the past couple of weeks hes hardly seen our children and basically they got dumped on me so he could spend the weekend with her. Then his older children (to his first relationship) were talking to me about it and I then got the urge to look on social media where there were pictures of them kissing. My emotions came flooding out. I bombarded him with messages saying how hurt I was. I regret this now and he didn’t actually care. I am going to have to be strong and not contact him anymore. The past couple of days have been bad emotionally and mentally

  • #113948
     KIP. 
    Participant

    He was hoping you’d do that. That’s the whole point of his public campaign. Who wouldn’t be hurt? What kind of a person would be so insensitive. So now you will be painted as the jealous ex. Please learn from this. He truly doesn’t care about your well being or that of his children. You are all collateral damage in his need to be top dog. My ex did the same. It’s called triangulation. He used me against his first wife when I was his girlfriend and he used his new girlfriend against me when I ended the relationship. It’s just a game they play. Living with the Dominator is a great book for understanding his actions and what’s coming next. The best thing you can do is block him on everything and use a third party for contact regarding children. He’s not your responsibility and you cannot change him but you can concentrate on you and your children and cut him out of the equation.

  • #113953
     Icandothis 
    Participant

    Hi I did something similar when my ex got someone else… I messaged her to warn her on Facebook. I were devastated at first but she sid me a big favour… they want to hurt us best way is dont react. Hes sadly someone elses problem now. My ex tried his best to keep up appearances it didnt last she outed him… he humiliated her in the pub swearing at her they dont change I had over 2 decades… good luck to them theyl need it. X

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account