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My ex was convicted of assaulting me and a restraining order was granted.
When that ran out, I attempted to apply for a non molestation order, but was told by Rights of Women that I wouldn’t get one because he hadn’t directly threatened me in the previous ten days.
Roll forward a few months and he’s been turning up at the house, shouting his mouth off, threatening to steal the dog, etc, so I called the police again to get some advice ftom the domestic abuse unit. Had a long chat with them and they referred me to the National Centre for Domestic Violence.
Spoke to them today and guess what? They say I have no case. Him threatening to kick my door down, to steal the dog, keep leaving messages on my answerphone calling me every name under the sun is ok.
I just have to sit here like a prisoner in my own home waiting for him to turn up and assault me. Because that is only a matter of time.
I’ve been free for a fair while, but I don’t know why I even bothered.
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He’s hasn’t won and you definitely do not need to put up with this. Stalking and harrassment and putting you in a state of fear and distress is a crime. You need to keep a detailed journal and any evidence you can. If you have told him not to contact you or turn up at your home and he continues then that’s harrassment and stalking. So make sure you keep any texts or messages that you have passed onto him about not contacting you, Contact your local women’s aid or Paladin is a good source of advice about stalking. Go back for your non molestation order now with the evidence you have and get a second opinion on that 10 days comment. That’s not my experience and why should you have to pay for something the police should be dealing with. Get back onto the police and say you fear for your life now and need action from them. Sadly in my experience it’s whoever shouts the loudest that gets heard.
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I spoke to the police. They just passed me 8ver to the NCDV who say they can’t help.
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I’d go back to the police and explain. it’s their job and they should not be passing you about like this. Complain about the police if they continue this behaviour and please ring women’s aid or the national domestic abuse helpline who can advise you further. Do not take no for an answer. We all know this is the most dangerous time for women post separation x
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I’m just so b****y tired of going round and round in circles and all the agencies saying they can’t help me.
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Yes I know exactly how you feel but he’s also counting on you giving up and becoming tired. Don’t give him the satisfaction. Abusers have stamina but so do we. I pushed back every time he pushed my boundaries and it was hard but in the end it empowered me to stand up for myself and my right to be safe from abuse. I even spoke to my MP. It’s dreadful and triggering but dig deep and keep shouting x if they can’t help you then keep looking for someone that will. Rights of Women in England have a free legal advice helpline. Your local women’s aid should stand up for you to or victim support? Sending you strength as I’ve walked your path and know how draining it can be x
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I’ve Spoken to Rights of Women. They didn’t help.
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Hi Lostforever – I really really do feel for you and it just isn’t right that you are not being supported especially because he has had a conviction! I was really let down one 101 call when they said they would speak to my son not my ex when all my son was doing was trying to protect me. I lost a lot of confidence in police but social worker said still keep reporting every time as it will then all be on file and they will act. But you are right it is exhausting and frightening and you have been so brave in getting out. Please keep reporting you deserve to be safe and left alone in your home. Kip I agree that’s what I was told once me and kids left every time they cross a boundary you have to push back – and some. I think you are so courageous lostforever …I hope services wake up to what you are having to deal with. Take care
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I got a police caution when I defended myself. Even after all the times the police had been out to him in the past. One thing that this whole experience has taught me if nothing else, is never to trust the police. I was sitting in my car half dressed and with no shoes on in the middle of the winter on the phone to their dispatcher, hysterical, having escaped from the house from him in a drunken rage (again). They had been out to our house many times. But when the officers arrived at the house, it was me who got arrested because they believed his pack of lies.
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You’re not that same person and he now has no rights to come to where you live. I recorded my ex assaulting me. If he turns up again can you record him? I know it’s frightening but the police need evidence to act. Any threatening messages are evidence. Do not reply to them just report them otherwise it just looks like an argument. You need to keep staring he is not allowed near you for your own safety.
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There is something called DVassist.. google it yo7 can do it online but i used them and i call them up tell them about the threats and harrassment.. they take a statement over the phone and will ask you to send over the evidence to them then put you in touch with a solicitor who again will go through a statement with you then get you in for an emergency order. I had an emergency non mol in place within 4 days! It then changed over to a 6 month non molestation order.. it costs a biy but if its gonna help its worth it. And then if he breaches it like my ex did they arrest him coz its a criminal offence.
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Hi Lostforever
I really feel for you. You do sound worn out with it all.
I’ve just googled what constitutes harassment…
“If your ex-partner approaches you or rings/texts you on two or more occasions then they may commit an offence of harassment. The incidents must be related so they become a course of conduct and not two isolated incidents. The further apart the incidents are, the less likely there is to be an offence of harassment.”I think you need to be clear on why every agency is telling you the same thing – that you have no case. It could be that you haven’t presented enough evidence. Or it could be that your ex’s behaviour doesn’t meet the threshold.
The police can only act on evidence so you must make gathering evidence your priority. Saying he ‘keeps turning up’ is not enough.
Keep voicemails, texts, emails. Voice/video record him if he turns up at your house (Don’t open the door and definitely don’t speak to him.)
Neither is it enough to say ‘he keeps threatening to steal the dog, etc.’ Is it just the dog he wants? Would he leave you alone if you gave the dog to him? Is he demanding anything else? In other words, what do you mean by ‘etc’?
It’s also possible that your caution for assault is affecting the police’s judgement. If your caution came before his conviction perhaps you can get it reviewed and removed? Sadly you wouldn’t be the first victim of abuse to be treated like this. You’d need to find a solicitor experienced in this field. A meeting to discuss whether you have a case should cost you nothing.
I think it’s really important that you start to regain the control you had when you first got away. In my experience this means taking preventative action instead of simply reacting to the threat.
So, arm yourself with knowledge of the law and every scrap of evidence.
Get a security check on your home.
Get advice on digital safety.
Consider installing something like ‘Ring’ doorbell technology.
Get to know your neighbours. If they are the same ones who had to listen to the violence, let them know your ex isn’t welcome. They’ll be extra eyes.
Always report an incident as soon as it happens. You need everything on record and the police are duty bound to respond.
Don’t allow yourself to be become paralysed by fear. He hasn’t won yet.
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