25th September 2021 at 8:34 pm #131855
I have been debating on here for a while now, I didn’t know whether to say anything but sometimes I feel like I have no one to turn too…I am a young mother to a beautiful son. Me and his father met back a few years ago, I was young – still in school and he was a few years older. Which I suppose should have been a red flag. When i met him. I thought he was perfect…he did everything right….I remember turning around to my friend in school and saying “He is too good to be true”. Things were fine until I went through his phone, from start to finish all he ever did was cheat. Every time I confronted him, it was always my fault. I got so bad, was becoming very insecure and kept wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Id cry myself to sleep, and he wouldn’t pay any attention to that. I used to cry to him asking him why me, he never answered.
I had fallen pregnant, I genuinely thought this would make us better, change him and make him change his ways. Well he carried on cheating and blaming me, he then only got worse…
One night he just changed, and i dont want to talk about it but it all got so much worse from there.
I still stayed with him after everything he done, some time ago it all kicked off and I had to go to the police….I broke up with him but he did nothing but harass me and my family….everything has been recorded and i currently have a non mol against him but when will i be ok again? when can i get him out of my head? hes affected me in so many ways and i just cant seem to stay positive even though im out of it? im always worrying and constantly anxious and am always thinking about everything hes done and just why. I guess in a way i want closure, i want to know why me? but i know people like him wont have an explanation because its their wrong doing. but i just want to be ok again…
25th September 2021 at 9:08 pm #131857KIP.Participant
Hey there, have you talked to your GP? Lots of us are left with post traumatic stress and it needs good therapy to overcome. What you describe is a normal response to abuse and especially having to get a non molestation order. It’s been a very traumatic time for you and it will take time and help to heal. You describe a typical abuser. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Many abusers are serial cheaters. They destroy our self esteem and confidence. It’s not personal. Your abuser could be my abuser. Closure comes from zero contact. From saying to yourself that you are worth more than this. That he will never be worthy of being in your life again. I know it’s difficult with children but not impossible. All that mental and emotional abuse will take time to unpick. Like a big ball of knitted string. Unpicking knot after knot so be kind to yourself x and share if and when you’re ready. There’s no pressure here. Baby steps x
28th September 2021 at 9:30 pm #131995
Thank you for replying back to me, it means alot…I havent been to my GP yet and just dont know how if that makes sense. Im ashamed and embarrassed…and your so right. One thing i sort of learnt was that i shouldnt take it personal, and that i will never get the why he did it to me, it couldve been anyone but i was unfortunately there at the time. I do believe things happen for a reason, and i do belive i needed to go through that to get stronger in a way….thank you again.x
29th September 2021 at 12:11 pm #132033KIP.Participant
Embarrassment and shame are such a typical response to abuse and why many women don’t talk about it but I was eventually empowered by talking about it. It’s his shame not yours. Just keep taking those baby steps and try keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings and maybe write a letter to your GP if you worry you can’t talk to them. Outlining the abuse and the feelings you’re left with and asking to be referred for therapy. Your local women’s aid are also a great point of contact. As is victim support. Just slowly build a support network and work on your self confidence and self esteem which he will have eroded. It will take time but you can do this x
26th September 2021 at 7:51 pm #131883LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you have experienced. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand. It is great to see KIP has replied with brilliant support already.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
Please do keep posting when you are able to, there is support here for you.
29th September 2021 at 1:37 am #131998TiaMariaParticipant
Hey, welcome to the forums.
I’m so sorry to hear about this really rubbish time. I totally understand how you are feeling. The only “why” is because he is an abuser. It had nothing to do with you, so the only closure you will get is no contact with him. I know you have a child but you can ask for supervised visits only and this be done without you having to be in contact with him.
It sounds like you are also experience complex PTSD as a result of the relationship, so definitely seek help and talk to your GP. There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about – this is serious trauma.
I’ve been posting this left right and centre but I found this article really helpful: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
I’m glad you are here!
29th September 2021 at 7:15 pm #132051
Thank you also for your reply, in regards to my son, I can not trust him with our son at the moment. Hes very unpredictable and doesn’t put his son first, he has threatened to take him and never bring him back. I don’t think my ex partner is mentally stable enough, he thought it was acceptable to harass me for months on end, and then also do things like break into our old home and (detail removed by moderator) . He is a very calculated and violent, I had even went away for (detail removed by moderator) to get away from my home as he kepy coming round and he would phone up and say he knew where we were etc. I dont want him anywhere near my son at the moment so (detail removed by moderator).
Thanks again for your reply and I will have a look at the article. 🙂
30th September 2021 at 2:07 pm #132099TiaMariaParticipant
No I totally agree – I assumed it was a shared child, as he will have rights to see him, so was just suggesting how to go about it if he demands to see him.
Hope you are feeling okay today.
18th October 2021 at 5:01 pm #132637Dorty01Participant
Hey I Am new here so just seeing how it all works , I was just reading through the comments and already relate to what is in them
22nd October 2021 at 1:05 am #132815[email protected]Participant
Hi I’m fairly new here too and have only just got out my abusive relationship so I totally understand the ‘you getting him out your head’ as I felt the same or do feel the same although it’s getting better day by day.
We had great times together but the bad times were really bad and there was no way I could’ve stayed.
The advice above from the others in the group is great and I’ve used it myself – on the waiting list for counselling and writing things down.
Also I’ve tried to fill my days seeing friends that are there to support even if it’s just a brew or a chat and planning to do things with the kids – and they are great to take your mind off things.
Someone said to me that you won’t get this time back to spend with your kids so put all your energy and focus into your son and yourself as Your ex is not worth all the tears, worrying and taking up your time in your mind.
Take care – it will get better xx
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