Hey. Me again

[peachycuteness1]

I honestly want to apologise for rambling on. My head is all over the place and I dont know whats wrong with me. Im to embarrassed to try and talk to anyone about it…Im here for a few things/looking for advice.
I left an abusive relationship a little while ago, he would verbally abuse me, physically…mentally, sexually and sometimes financially. We have a child together, and I was pregnant (detail removed by Moderator) with our second. I miscarried . It honestly broke my heart, but I believe everything happens for a reason but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Ever since then I have non-stop thought about having two of my own babies, it kills me knowing I lost one. For the past few weeks now, its been playing on my mind a lot. Everyday its always, baby this baby that. My head is constantly wishing I had another, I then have flashbacks of my birth with my son. It was very traumatic, had preeclampsia, and had an emergency c-section. I was eastenders the other day and there was a scene of someone in a hospital and I just kept getting flashbacks of when I was in the hospital with my son. I really want another baby, Im young, but when I actually think about how I would feel if I was pregnant, I would be so scared…I was looking into sperm doner, but I just am so scared. When I was pregnant with my son, that was when all the abuse started from my baby father…I really think that has ruined me. I never enjoyed my pregnancy, I want to have another so i can them young, and they will be close in age. I dont want to wait on a man, I cant come to terms with any man – although I know they aint all the same.
Secondly. I feel numb. Its been months now, I dont feel like im really here. I feel so numb that I dont feel real? Its a horrible feeling and I dont know whats wrong with me. Any advice please?

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Peachycuteness1 (I love your user name)
Firstly it sounds like you have had ALOT to deal with in the last few years
Pregnancy alone can be tough and certainly an emotional roller coaster and that’s without an abusive partner
Apparently it is quite common for men to get abusive during pregnancy, however I am sure this isn’t any kind of comfort to you, or excuse for them
You have experienced a traumatic birth and maybe feel that the feeling of joy that you were expecting with your first baby was taken from you
You are also dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, and while I understand that you are being strong in looking at the ‘everything happens for a reason’ you have still lost your baby and the hope of a new life that came with it
I think what you need to do now is be very very kind to yourself, you have a baby you need to grieve for
You have a child that needs you and you have to now give yourself some self care, love and forgiveness for what has happened
I don’t personally think this is the time to be considering another baby, please think what void you are needing to fill
The focus must be to heal these wounds first, before you can move on
I am not sure if you are able to get some kind of professional help, I would definitely do some research on getting over a traumatic birth and mischarge
But first and foremost you must today start with some self love and tenderness towards your heart
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Wants To Help]

Hi peachycuteness,

I’m so sorry to read what you have been though and how this is affecting you.

Have you been given any information from your GP about support groups for women who have miscarried at all? There are specialist support groups, I have put a link to one of them below. Please reach out to a support group where there is more expertise to help you.

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