Hey new and need reassurance it’s not me

[Kellym]

I have been in a relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years
(detail removed by Moderator) years of those have been a living hell of abuse on every platform you name it I’ve experienced it!
Physical, emotional, sexual every one!
I have been beaten black and blue so badly, knocked out, broken ribs, my head split open because it was hit off a wall resulting in (detail removed by Moderator) stitches, the list could go on and on and on
I have two children who I absolutely adore and this is why I NEED to get out!
I have been so depressed for the last few years I feel as though I have not lived and enjoyed my children at their young ages due to always having to concentrate my abusers needs more and what he needs so that he doesn’t kick off, he has actually told me before that I am to put him before my kids!
He is the most vile kind of person he has hit me when I’m holding my new born babies hit my whilst pregnant, he even made me sleep downstairs on the sofa with my new born baby and (detail removed by Moderator) year old the night I brought my baby home from hospital after having a c-section, I couldn’t get upstairs without him and he called me a fat s**g and left me downstairs on my own unable to walk and bleeding
My babies are the most precious in the world, they are both miracle IVF babies, I went through a hell of a lot to get them!
He told me once that I am so useless that he even has to pay for me to get pregnant, (detail removed by Moderator) he told me there was a reason god made it that I couldn’t have kids and I don’t deserve to be able to have children!
Now I adore my children and do the best ABSOLUTE best I can to be an amazing mummy, I realise this is all a part of his abuse but I cannot help but let his nasty comments get in my head! To be very truthful on here I am absolutely traumatised by the abuse I have received and know for my kids to look back and have good memories of their childhood I must leave now! (detail removed by Moderator) I caught him talking to another woman on his phone because of this he knocked me out and beat me so badly that he thought he had killed me and had to call someone! I have caught him (detail removed by Moderator) more times since then, in a way I feel it has helped me as I always feared a break because of the moment you find they have moved on but now I guess I have already felt that hurt!
(detail removed by Moderator) he saw a letter for a (detail removed by Moderator) I had received and not told him about because of his reaction, he dragged me down my (detail removed by Moderator) why holding my daughter punched me and squeezed my throat into I couldn’t breath and almost dropped my daughter!
I must stress I have never ever laid one single finger on him! He’s mum popped in why I was crying (detail removed by Moderator) I was begging her in secret to make him leave she just ignored me and said see you later then! They are all too afraid of him to speak up for me but they know how bad the abuse is!
I am so scared among all this happening he has a (detail removed by Moderator) pound tax bill he doesn’t know he has! He dwindled the money away he had saved and I am to scared to tell him through fear that he will kill me, he has threatened to do this many times but I do believe one day it will be my reality!!! And it makes me suffer with terrible terrible anxiety at the thought of my kids being left with him if anything happens to me,
If I could pay this bill tomorrow then leave him I would do it without even thinking about it!
I am only (detail removed by Moderator) and I’m scared of never finding anyone again I’m scared of hurting my children and breaking their hearts and I’m scared to be on my own, but he also I believe mentally abused our son in so many way and I just cannot let my kids grow up like this they are worth so much more and that’s what I want to give them so badly
Please can people help me figure out how to do this on my own without uprooting and hurting my children too much
Update: (detail removed by Moderator) he has left but is making me feel like this time it’s because I moaned about something, his very good at that or is it me!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my family doesn’t know about anything so I really don’t have anyone to talk to anymore
Everyone thinks he is the nicest person but very few know what he’s like behind a closed door

[Lisa]

Hi Kellym,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. It must have taken a lot of courage to reach out so well done for taking this step. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

I am so sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing, I am very concerned for yours and your children’s safety. You say in your update he has now left, please do consider contacting the police to report the abuse. You can ask for the domestic abuse unit within the police who will understand your situation. The abuse is not your fault; the only person responsible for the abuse is the abuser. There is never a valid reason to treat someone in an abusive way; you and your children deserve so much better than to live in fear.

You could also contact your local domestic abuse support service. They can offer ongoing emotional and practical support to help you with a plan going forward. You don’t have to go through this alone. You can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

There is also support available from a Women’s Aid support worker via our Live Chat service (open 10am-6pm every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here:
https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

A refuge might be the safest option for you and your children at the moment. If this is something you would like to consider then the police, your local support service, our Live Chat or the 24hr National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) can search for availability for you.

I also wanted to let you know I’ve removed some of the detail in your post as it was quite specific so could risk identifying you on this public forum. I do this for everyone to try to keep users safe. You’ll also find guidance in the Forum Guidelines and FAQ’s.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on and please continue to reach out for support when you can. We are here for you.

Take care,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Watersprite]

Hi Kellym – this is SO NOT you. I’m sorry to say but he is a dangerous abuser. Please reach out for support for you and your precious children. I think you say he has left – please do not let him back in ever. They are most dangerous when early seperated. The way he is treating you and your children is serious abuse. Please speak to police – ask for domestic abuse team – they will help keep you and the children safe. Don’t rely on his family. If police route is not for you contact women’s aid or your GP. You don’t have to do this alone – there is support out there and with what you describe you will be offered high level of support. When you are free of him you will see clearly how badly he is treating you AND your children. You all deserve a safe and free future. I know you are scared – I was in your shoes don’t wait like I did the effects on my children only came clear once we flit. You are protecting your children by getting this man out of your lives – don’t feel guilty it is his guilt to wear. Please please call 999 if you feel unsafe and keep your phone charged at all times. We rehomed and police have markers on our home and cameras. Social services have been amazing for us. Take care and keep posting – you can do this xx

[Hope4future]

Hello Kellym, none of this is your doing, he does not deserve you. Right now you are frightened and think you have no choices but you do. You can stop all of this and give yourself and your children the life you all deserve. Please reach out to professionals who can help you, let them support you. I was in an awful relationship like yours for a long time, I was so low I thought in the end I deserved nothing more. My abuser threatened to kill me, he kept a gun under our bed. I used help from police and social services to change our lives around and I survived and my children had a chance to see their mum safe and to feel safe to grow. Your fear is true but you need to muster all of your energy and fight, for yourself and your beautiful children to get out. Call the police and say you need help. Please be safe and leave xx

[ISOPeace]

Goodness Kellym, your post made my blood run cold. What he has done to you is horrific, unbelievably cruel on so many levels. It sounds like you have experienced numerous events that would each be hugely traumatic on their own, but for you they have been part of a series perpetrated by the person who you should have been able to trust the most. As others have said, please reach out for support. You are not alone and you deserve all the support you need to help you get out and heal. I know it will take time to heal but it might be helpful to speak to your GP about immediate help as well e.g. counselling/medication.

You are absolutely right that he’s good at it and that’s why you feel like it’s your fault. That is exactly what abusers do. Abuse is about control and making the victim feel powerless and at fault keeps them trapped and under control. Stay strong about not letting him back.

It’s totally normal to feel scared of being alone. Abuse makes us feel helpless. Abusers want us to feel to scared to leave. I sense real strength in your post. I think you’re stronger than you know. Actually I know you are, because you must be incredibly strong to have survived all the abuse. And to go through IVF while suffering the abuse.

For me, having children felt like it made things more complicated (and in some ways of course it does) but wanting to get them away from the abuse was really helpful in helping me find the courage to leave and stay away. From what you describe, I would be very surprised if he was granted unsupervised contact with your children. Please get legal advice, it will help you feel more confident if you know what to expect. Lots of solicitors offer free advice for an hour and there are other charities where you can get free legal advice from places like Rights of Women. If he isn’t allowed unsupervised contact then he wouldn’t be given custody. Perhaps making a will that leaves arrangements for you children would help you feel less anxious.

I know you don’t want to uproot your children, but staying in an abusive household will be far more traumatic for them than uprooting them. If the only way to stay away from him is to uproot them, know that you are doing what’s best for them. You will not break their hearts by keeping him out of your home. You will save their precious hearts from the emotional torture their father is inflicting on them. Leaving will show them that it is possible to protect yourself despite incredible cruelty and manipulation and that you can heal from it. The most important thing for children is a loving and stable home. Home should be a safe refuge for everybody. You can give that to them by keeping him out and when you are not using so much energy surviving the abuse, you’ll be an even better mum than you already are.

People usually find learning about abuse helps make sense of things and help you see that it’s not your fault. I don’t know if you would find it triggering, but Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is really good.

You are amazing and you deserve to have a happy home with your kids. Sending lots of love and support xxxxx

[Watersprite]

Hi Kellym just wondering how you are doing? Hope you and the children are safe. Services will help you please pick up the phone and ask for help tell them you are in danger – they won’t judge you but will help get you safe. Sending support and strength x

[Kellym]

Hey guys sorry for the slow response but thank you so much I can’t tell you how badly I needed these words it’s made me realise a lot! I stupidly let him back and (detail removed by Moderator) he has kicked off he said I’ve been purposely pushing his buttons all weekend but I genuinely haven’t and now his made me feel like maybe I have and questioning myself! Is this normal!
I feel so so lost in life I’m so unhappy I feel trapped! How hard should it be to leave someone like this why can’t I!!
(detail removed by Moderator) he stood Infront of our kids and shouted you don’t understand what YOU are doing them! Then told me if I’m to keep safe I need to watch my every word I say around him, I went to walk off to which he said (detail removed by Moderator)
To which I of course replied yes!
I can’t tell how much my kids are effected I actually see it more in my son, I think he is suffering with Ptsd or some sort of trauma and it breaks my heart I am so stuck
He also said in front of my son (detail removed by Moderator)
Already making it my fault I have left him alone (detail removed by Moderator) times today so that nothing happens infront of my kids and each time his then kicked off saying I don’t want to spend time with him!
I just don’t know how I get out of this he pulls me back in every time
But I do feel like I’m getting stronger and my driving force behind that is my kids
My little boy has just fell asleep I believe this is is coping mechanism, again, heart breaking
Just to give an example is that I called him from the (detail removed by Moderator) to tell him I was going to the (detail removed by Moderator)! He then started over that telling me I don’t leave him alone! I feel like he loves our daughter but doesn’t like her and sends her to get him beer she is (detail removed by Moderator)! She comes and says get daddy beer I fee this is so wrong!

Where do I start thank you for all your words they have truly given me some strength

[Kellym]

Hey guys sorry for the slow response but thank you so much I can’t tell you how badly I needed these words it’s made me realise a lot! I stupidly let him back and (detail removed by Moderator) he has kicked off he said I’ve been purposely pushing his buttons all weekend but I genuinely haven’t and now his made me feel like maybe I have and questioning myself! Is this normal!
I feel so so lost in life I’m so unhappy I feel trapped! How hard should it be to leave someone like this why can’t I!!
(detail removed by Moderator) he stood Infront of our kids and shouted you don’t understand what YOU are doing them! Then told me if I’m to keep safe I need to watch my every word I say around him, I went to walk off to which he said (detail removed by Moderator)
To which I of course replied yes!
I can’t tell how much my kids are effected I actually see it more in my son, I think he is suffering with Ptsd or some sort of trauma and it breaks my heart I am so stuck
He also said in front of my son (detail removed by Moderator)
Already making it my fault I have left him alone (detail removed by Moderator) times today so that nothing happens infront of my kids and each time his then kicked off saying I don’t want to spend time with him!
I just don’t know how I get out of this he pulls me back in every time
But I do feel like I’m getting stronger and my driving force behind that is my kids
My little boy has just fell asleep I believe this is is coping mechanism, again, heart breaking
Just to give an example is that I called him from the (detail removed by Moderator) to tell him I was going to the (detail removed by Moderator)! He then started over that telling me I don’t leave him alone! I feel like he loves our daughter but doesn’t like her and sends her to get him beer she is (detail removed by Moderator)! She comes and says get daddy beer I fee this is so wrong!

Where do I start thank you for all your words they have truly given me some strength

[Watersprite]

Hey Kellym it’s really common and understandable. Be gentle on yourself for your decision and read up on trauma bonding when you can it explains everything. Getting ready to leave is a process and a journey often. Having said that the abuse is being witnessed by your children and it sadly is effecting them now. It’s impossible to see it all whilst you are experiencing such terrible abuse. Get you and your kids safe lovely you are getting stronger and you absolutely can do this ! Don’t wait … call police or speak to school women’s aid when it’s safe leaving is the most dangerous time. With this amount t of abuse you will get a lot of help – I did and still have. I’m the other side it’s not been easy at all but imagine just me and kids no tension no drama safe and free. Just wish I had done it when my kids were younger

[Anonymous]

Kellym,

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault.
You can report it to the police without pressing charges. They will keep record of what you say and guide you in the right direction. They were very helpful for me.
Unfortunately I did not report the abuse while we were together. I see now that reporting to the police is not a betrayal to your partner, but a step forward to protecting your children and yourself. Because I never reported abuse, I lost my credibility and I was not able to protect my children.
I use to carry the blame too. I use to think it was all my fault, because that’s what he repeatedly told me. I still carry the blame. Which is why I came onto the forum today. My ex didn’t leave marks on me after he saw me take a picture after he hit me. But my ex also assaulted me during pregnancy and while holding my babies. He also (detail removed by moderator).
When I read about what other people went through it sounds terrible. But in my mind what I went through is still seen with a perspective instilled by my abuser.
I remember seeing married women ‘misbehave’ in a way that would justify my abuser to harm me, but these other married women seemed loved and free.
You and your children deserve to feel loved and be free xx

[Anonymous]

I also stayed with my ex as I didn’t want to break my children’s hearts with divorce. And a lot of that mindset was also influenced by my abuser. He regularly blamed me for not caring enough about our marriage, and suggesting I would harm the children. He would call me ungrateful for wanting to separate, as he would say I was lucky to have someone who loved me so much.
The truth is, my children’s hearts were breaking everyday. Looking back, they can’t remember good things from our lives with him.
It’s amazing how well they have been recovering now that we are not living with him.
Best wishes. I hope you find the support you need. I would not have been able to separate from him without support.
When I would try to talk with him about separating on my own he would get scary and violent. He would tell me to leave, and that I couldn’t take the kids with me. Which terrified me more.
I’ll say it again, reaching out for help for yourself and your children is not a betrayal. It’s the right thing to do.
My ex would even accuse me of being unforgiving. Don’t believe anything your partner says. Think about a friend or family member you love and care about. What would you want them to do if they were treated like your partner treats you. Abuse can happen to anyone. It is not your fault.
Xx

[Author]

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