Hi all, new here and desperately lonely

[Readytoheal]

Hi, I’ve been out of my (removed by moderator) year abusive relationship for (removed by moderator) months now, usual story as I’ve read from everyone else, my adult children forced him out and forced me to acknowledge the truth. It’s been so hard, he abused me in every way possible, mentally, physically, financially and forced himself on me many times..
I’m finding it hard at (removed by moderator) to start a life again, I know I have my kids but I have things I wouldn’t want them to hear, I really have no one to talk too and am finding it so hard. I want to move on but how? I have no confidence and suffer with extreme anxiety, also bipolar disorder which is thought to have been triggered from trauma through him.
He was the only person I did anything with for almost 3 decades, I feel I miss him still, it’s the trauma bonding thing.
I just don’t know how to get past this lonely isolation I’m stuck in?? I’ve been reading books and things to help me understand it all but it’s the loneliness and having no one to turn to that I’m finding so hard. People say join a group or do something in the community, I can barely leave my house and feel completely trapped and defeated, I have lived in my village for (removed by moderator) years now and know no one and no one knows me, I was never allowed to even do the school run, I was a prisoner and think the only people who know I exist is my children who are fab by the way, I raised the best kids who make me proud everyday, they really do try their best to raise my spirits but it’s still so hard..

[Dreamingoffreedom]

Oh my god, please take time to be so proud of yourself. That is such a long time to be with someone and have the courage to walk away. I’m a similar age but with a younger child and I’m finding everg excuse to stay, even though I know its not right.
There will be people on here much more equipped to guide you on where to go / what to do once leaving but even just a walk every day same route past same places might be a start. Seeing the same faces?

Like I said, might not be much use but sending hugs. Xx

[Grey Rock]

Hiya. Welcome to the community. I’ve found it to be so so helpful.
You’re quite early on in your journey to recovery, especially considering how long you were in that environment. Honestly, things do get better as we learn more and start understanding what happened to us and why we reacted to things as we did. It’s great to hear that your children supported you.

Have you considered signing up to join the Freedom Program at all. I did it via zoom and have found a great support network of other ladies who have similar experiences to me through it.

Hope you stick around and keep posting.

GR x*x

[gettingtired]

I’d definitely recommend joining the freedom programme. You can do it remotely online. I’ve done it and you can choose whether or not to have your camera on or even your audio on. So if you struggle with social anxiety then you don’t even need to talk or be seen, you can just listen. I think it would help you so much to know there are so many others out there who have similar experiences to you. We are all here for you on the forum as well. But I think the freedom programme is really good as well because you get to actually see and hear other people speaking out. Xx

[Readytoheal]

Thanks so much for taking the time for the replies and encouragement, I now have a support worker through oasis and am waiting for the next trauma therapy group to start. I’m willing to try anything if I’m honest, I know I need it.
Things have been so tough for so long and I just want to feel I’m okay. I have been given some information for joining the freedom project zoom groups but just haven’t plucked up the courage yet. I do know I’ve got to push myself a bit harder but really do lack confidence, it’s like I’ve forgotten how to do small talk somehow, I’m used to walking without looking people in the eye, (didn’t do wrong again that way) now I find it so difficult. Even just trying to catch someone’s eye to raise a smile is really hard to do, I’m doing my best to help myself and my kids do keep me going and make me want to succeed for them, they’ve put up with a lot including having to live with the fact of saving me after many suicide attempts, I never once wanted to die, I just didn’t want to feel anymore, it’s so hard isn’t it?
He even used to goad me into that when I was really low, he’d tell me everyone hated me and my kids didn’t love me, that I was nothing to anyone etc. it got so bad the last (removed by moderator) years. He got a kick out of trapping me in the house somewhere and forcing himself on me when we had visitors, his friends or family mainly. He loved the fact that I would feel totally humiliated having to face them after when he’d made sure they heard. I still feel totally ashamed and dirty.
I don’t want to miss him and the thought of him repulses me, I just think it’s the loneliness making it so hard now, I’d just love a friend to confide in or to be able to reach out too.
Sorry for saying so much I’m just trying to be brave and open is all.
That’s another thing I do, say sorry constantly coz I had too, to placate him.
Constantly say thank you a million times for any little thing or bit of kindness.
It’s all just so confusing, in my teens I was so loud and had so many friends, I wish I had been brave enough to leave long ago but I was just too broken 😞

[Lisa]

Hi Readytoheal,

Firstly, welcome to the forum. You are so welcome here and please never think your ‘saying too much’. This is what this forum is for. You have recently come out of many years of abuse, and so it’s completely normal to feel the way you do. Processing all that you have been through and healing will take time.

It’s great to hear you have been lining up some support for when you feel ready. You may want to see if your local domestic abuse service have any emotional, one-on-one or group support available too.

You could try calling Supportline who offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

Understandably you’re experiencing anxiety, and like you mentioned, it’s very much linked to the emotional/psychological abuse you have been through. No Panic is a membership support group providing services to people suffering from panic attacks, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorders and general anxiety disorders. They provide telephone support groups and 14 week telephone therapy courses which offer coping strategies for people who live in isolated or rural surroundings. Postal strategy courses are available as well. Information is available in various formats for small costs on the website. Their helpline can be contacted on 0300 772 9844 (10am-10pm). They also operate a 24-hour crisis line available on 01952 680 835.

I hope this is helpful. Please do continue to post and receive support from the others on here who relate very much to what you are going through.

Take care,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Baby steps, tiny little baby’s steps, there’s a whole bunch of things that come with trauma from abuse after leaving there’s nightmares, the regurgitating uninvited thoughts that go round and round, agoraphobia, fear of just everything and feelings of self disgust for the unwanted acts on us, I’m not disagreeing with whoever diagnosed the bipolar cos I’m not a dr or medical professional but post traumatic stress disorder after abuse looks a lot like bipolar cos there’s times I thought I’d ended up bipolar from everything cos of the way I was but abuse causes havoc on the limbic system amygdalae and brain chemicals, maybe due to the fear of outside (which I understand)see if you can get some telephone counselling, women’s aid could offer you support in finding one, I went down the holistic roads cos that’s what suits me (but everyone’s different) but don’t push or rush yourself it takes time 🌺💜🌺

[Camel]

Hi Readytoheal,

This might sound a bit wacky but I recommend getting a dog. When we were in lockdown and I’d be out walking alone, I’d wish I had a dog for company. My wish came true a few months ago and something happened that I didn’t expect. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to take her for a walk and not speak to other dog walkers! Just small talk mostly, always about the dogs, never the owners, so perfect if you feel anxious.

I promise I’m not making light of your loneliness. I’ve experienced isolation too and I got tired of being told to ‘join a group’. The thought of walking into a room full of strangers!

[Author]

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