Hi everyone, I’m new and feeling guilty

[Maz4]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the Forum and feel guilty.

I have been with my partner for over xx years (we are not married) and the abuse first started after the birth of our first child in (detail removed by moderator) (our second child was born in (detail removed by moderator)). He was violent towards me and this carried on for several months. Although the violence stopped, the abuse then became emotional and sexual and this now takes place on an almost daily basis

I find it hard to challenge his behaviour because I am frightened of what he will do and what will happen. When I have tried to mention that I feel his behaviour is unacceptable he resorts to blaming me for acting the way that he does. I then feel guilty because I feel that I have enabled this behaviour and allowed his abuse of me to carry on.

My biggest guilt is to do with our children. I feel that by remaining with my partner I have brought them up in a toxic environment. I have tried to remain as resilient as possible and I do have a close relationship with my children but I feel guilty that their childhood has been affected by domestic abuse.

I know that I have to end the relationship but I am afraid of what my partner will do if I ask him to leave.

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Watersprite]

Hi Maz4 and welcome. Please don’t feel guilty – he is the abuser you and your children are victims. It sounds like you are really beginning to see him for what he is and the effects on your family it’s a very hard time. But you are looking to a future and being free and a safe and calm place for your family. I’m out after years wish I had left years ago the effects and extent of his abuse on my children only really started coming out when we left and there was I staying put for them – huge huge mistake. Leaving is by far the most dangerous time even though it sounds he is not being violent at the moment you know he has the potential and it sounds like you are in a risky situation with – we had to flit with support from services. Could you speak to womens aid? They will help with safety plan or social services? Perhaps you have a trusted friend or family member? Good luck with your next steps and please reach out for support and help to get out safely

[scaredalot]

I am new to this forum as well and my controlling ex continues to make my life miserable on a daily basis. I don’t know how old your children are but get out before it is too late. I stayed thinking it was the right thing to do but now have no contact with my eldest child at all because of him. When I spoke with solicitor making my will she disclosed she had been brought up in a home where abuse lived too. Her parents never divorced and she really wished they had. This should give you courage to do what you know you need to do. Every action has a reaction they say and mostly we think of a negative due to our circumstances. However, we should see it as a positive. (Detail removed by moderator) years of my life wasted under his control and all I have now are my children who also lived through this and will be affected die to my failings. I started making daily notes of my life and that really brought the sadness home. We make decisions for our children that set them up for the rest of their life, right and wrong. Honesty is not always the easiest option but it will be the best option for all of you. He may never see it but your children will thank you for it.

 

[KIP.]

Please contact your local women’s aid. They were fantastic and gave me a book called Living With The Dominator which was my turning point. Abusers keep us in a FOG using Fear Obligation and Guilt. It’s how they control us and they know exactly what they’re doing. You’re right to be scared of ending the relationship as this is the most dangerous time for a victim of abuse. So talk to women’s aid about a safe exit plan and don’t mention it to your partner. It’s never too late to show your children that they never need to stay with an abuser. Women’s aid run the Freedom Programme for women and children. Statistically children who witnessed abuse are far more likely to end up in an abusive relationship as an adult so stop the cycle and show them the strong confident mum that they’ve been missing out on. Do it with the help of women’s aid x

[Author]

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