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This is hard for me to write as for so long I convinced myself it’s not abuse because he doesn’t hit me. Then after reading up on emotional and mental abuse I’ve realised it doesn’t need to be physical.
We’ve been together a long time and He’s always had a temper but it’s got worse over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. I’m so scared of upsetting him or making a mistake to the point I start having a panic attack if he starts shouting. It is literally the worst thing in the world to p**s him off and I do anything to avoid it. I rarely say anything back as it only makes the shouting worse so I just stay quiet all the time and take it. Plus everything is my fault. I find myself preempting situations where something could potentially go wrong and how I’ll be to blame. I can’t say or do anything right. Examples include him accidentally knocking a glass off the kitchen counter so it’s my fault for leaving it there so I then have to clean all the glass up. There are so many similar examples to this that I could go on all day. Our adolescent son sees it and hates the way he treats me and has vowed he never wants to be like him. I hate myself for being so weak as in other areas of my life I’m not but I’m so worn down now. I left for a few days (detail removed by Moderator) years ago as I reached breaking point. He begged and pleaded with me to stay and was very apologetic as he didn’t even realise he was doing it and said things would change. Within a year it was back to normal and now I just feel helpless and pathetic and like I should try being stronger but I just don’t have it in me.
Our son will be moving out (detail removed by Moderator) and the thought of being on my own with him for the rest of our lives fills me with despair.
Sorry for waffling on.
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Hi Penny,
It is abuse. I’m going to bump a couple of threads up to the top of the Topics list for you to have a read of, they have been written and contributed to within the last week or so and are very current. These will really help you understand the situation. One is called This Is My Abuser, the other is the Denial to Recovery Pyramid. Sorry this is a short reply but I’m just about to log off and didn’t want to ‘read and run’!
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Hi Penny21
Welcome to forum, so glad that you’ve found the courage to reach out.
You’ve taken that first step, that takes energy and strength and you just found it.
You’re going to get support, encouragement and reassurance here.
So I notice there are some changes ahead by what you wrote in your post.
No matter about the last time you left, that shows you can do it, you can reflect on that and learn from it.
Now’s the time for research and planning and there’s a wealth of info on here and on the site and wise women that’ll help you navigate it all.
That first step- you just took it and I’m smiling for you right now.Soulsearcher18
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Hello Penny21
My phone logged out mid way through so apologies if 2 posts come up. I had to reply to you as you sound just like me a few months ago. Yes it is abusive. I am hoping seeing responses based on what you have written in black and white will help give you the confirmation you need. I found it was the final piece I needed after years of giving the behaviour excuses, questioning what I had done wrong, changing my behaviour, think I myself had a health condition because I was anxious (there must be something medically wrong with me, he is right maybe I am controlling, overly anxious, not fun etc etc…). I realised I am totally sane, his behaviour has been making me feel this way, worn down over years. It was very difficult to accept, I cried, I doubted, thought no this can’t be happening, it was and I am making my way out of it and so can you if you are ready. I feel you are so close. Once I told a friend and I got my first “I am so proud of you for deciding to leave” and then my next friend said the same! Not one person doubted me, thought I was exaggerating or called me crazy. Your son loves you and he can see it and is trying to help you, he sounds amazing, which is likely down to you being amazing. I feel you are so close, I really want to grab your hand and pull you through it. It is ultimately your decision what you do, but I believe you can have a life where you don’t question every decision you make and live on eggshells, you just have to be ready to hold your head up, know who you are, get some support around you (friends of professional). We have one life!! Xx
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Thank you so much for your replies. It means so much to me and has made me see I’m not going mad!
There’s One other thing I wanted to talk about which has weighed on me for a long time and I live in fear of. I am in debt and he doesn’t know.
He was self employed for a long time but wasn’t making money from it and didn’t want to work for anyone so he basically let me pay all the bills on my own for a number of years which I hate him for. I ended up remortgaging the house to pay the debts I built up and never told him because I didn’t want to worry him and I was scared of him. He’s since got a job and is contributing but It’s now getting to a point where he’s going to find out soon as we’re selling the house and he will expect there to be some profit but there won’t be (it’s in my name only). I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights this has given me and I hate myself so much for getting in this mess. I dread the day he finds out and I live in fear of it. It’s making me ill and I can’t see a way out. I’ve thought of suicide so many times but can’t do that to my son. I feel so ashamed.
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Penny21, there will be a safe way out of this, if feeling really stuck and having any suicidal thoughts please do talk to someone, samaritans they will help.
On the practical side, so the house is in your name only, you own it, you were able to remortgage without his permission because you own it. It sounds like he didnt pay his way for a long time and that is why you took on debt. What makes him think there should be any equity for him. Did you sign a declaration of trust or tenants in Common it doesn’t sound like it. I don’t think you mentioned splitting up are you selling because you are or are you just moving. If moving and planning on buying together maybe this is the time to really think what you want. Are you married now post remortgage would he be entitled to any bit of the house? Have you any support around you, I can totally understand worrying about this, try and get some support around you. Don’t hate yourself for this, I made some really unwise decisions just to keep the peace which I look at now and think what? But you did it because you felt you needed to at that time. In your post you have highlighted how this relationship has made you feel for years, if you are separating this may be the one last big hurdle and then you are free, the last time you feel worried about his reaction how amazing would that be? X-
Hi Chestnut. We got married after I remortgaged (which believe me I regret!). We live in another house at the moment which we rent which I love. It’s a long story but I couldn’t continue living in the old house. It’s in a bad area and I hated it. It made me ill. We rented it out for a while but then just got bad tenants which caused more problems. There won’t be any money from the sale of the house. If anything I’ll owe a little bit but he doesn’t know this and I feel so deceitful. I have a lot of support from friends and family, some who know my situation.
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When you are low, traumatised and desperate, call the Samaritans. I have done that and cried down the phone to a stranger, but they are there to listen. No judgement. Just like we all are. I am at the start of my journey – early days after leaving my abuser. It is really really hard. Life is incredibly complex and our lives were interwoven. That doesn’t just get switched off and so you have to look after yourself, be kind to yourself and not judge yourself for anything you have done in the past, or any decisions you have made. You always do the best you can at the time. When someone you love blames you, lays responsibility at your feet and puts you down over many years, then is the one to lift you up again, it is hard to shed their influence. I still have my partner’s voice in my head (see? even now I am not even now calling him my ex!!!!!)
Regarding sons. I have sons who are now young adults. Mine have spoken to me about how abuse towards me affected them when they were younger – hearing the shouting, knowing I was disrespected really hurt them because they were powerless to help. One son confronted my partner once, who lied and put the blame on me, which confused my son further. My partner was a big, physically strong guy who nobody would mess with. He was very good to my sons but protected his own reputation at any cost, usually mine. Moving forward now (because we can never go back) I feel that my sons need to see that their mum can stand up for herself and be strong and that abuse of all kinds, is never acceptable. They should not feel that they have to be the rescuer, or have the pressure of responsibility. They also each struggle with what it means to be a man. One of my sons has a real fear of expressing anger and losing control because of where it might lead, this has led to him having problems with intimacy. Boys need to know that it is OK to express emotions in other ways than via anger or silence. If possible, find other positive male role models in their life, young mental health specialist support or someone objective they can talk to. Focussing on the wellbeing of our children as priority helps us find strength. Well done for finding this site. Well done for listening to your inner voice that is telling you something is wrong. I didn’t have time to wait for all my ducks to be in a row (they are quacking around all over the place in a right old muddle!!) before I had to take action but that’s how it was for me. The most important thing is your physical and mental health and that of your children. Put those things first in the priority order, see the power struggle for what it is, your partner is weak and needs to dominate you to make him feel stronger. Refuse to be emotionally manipulated to fit into his reality, which is not yours. Be calm and stand your ground. You will get there.
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Penny21 – regarding the remortgage and debt. I have my own financial skeletons too. Do not feel ashamed. You had good reasons at the time and it is what it is. Speak to citizens advice or a financial adviser. Get the facts laid out. Always, always deal in facts and not emotions when it comes to money or your house. It will help you get perspective and deal with the reality of the situation not how it makes you feel – does that make sense? Sometimes things are better when you look at them coldly and objectively through the eyes of a professional who can help you. Wishing you strength and courage.
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@Wiseafter, this is really good advice, thank you.
@Penny21 don’t despair, there is a way out of this. You can do it. Read up on everything. Work out the practical things you can get in order to know your financial position.
Have you seen the thread, This is My Abuser… I’ll bump it up for you, it might help too…you are not alone…
Keep posting, Ive had so much help in working it all out from the forum. Talk, ask questions, it is the kindest most supportive nonjudgmental group of women I have ever met.
Sending you strength and remember please don’t despair. Abuse is exhausting. Its relentless, constant, even the niggling, the did he really do/say that, am I imagining that (gaslighting)..the not knowing what is going to tip him. Its very very exhausting. xx
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