Hi – feeling confused

[Fleeingpixie]

Hello everyone

I came here to chat to other ladies for support and I guess compare notes, for want of a better expression. I have previously been in an abusive relationship so wondered if this time around I was just being oversensitive, triggered, in the action that made me flee.

The relationship has been relatively short and to begin with the man in question made me feel good, listened to and attractive. He made positive comments about my appearance and attitude to life, the only downside was he was a bit secretive about us and said it was cultural, not all his family were aware he had separated from his kids’ mum and would be disappointed, that they had already disowned him once for failing uni. Also he was even honest that he had a recent conviction for common assault (Detail removed by Moderator) but it had been blown out of proportion, the police were racist and misinterpreted what he said in interview, so I took his word and him being upfront as a good thing.

Quite quickly he got me involved with his business, first of all wanting professional advice, fair enough and I found it complimentary that he wanted my professional help. A little while later we had a falling out and I tried to end the relationship when it turned out he’d been chatting to and trying to meet up with ex’s and female friends on the sly. At this time he bombarded me with messages and emails, one minute begging forgiveness, the next accusing me of taking things from his house and he’d call the police, then emailing again saying to forget everything he’d said – he was sorry. As well as sending a video of himself crying, saying he missed me. I ended up giving him and his crazy rants the benefit of the doubt and we got back together.
Things seem to be good but I guess if I pick it apart it’s been quite up and down, arguments every couple of weeks (something I’m not used to, but admittedly did argue back every time, to begin with), usually starting with me commenting or asking something and him saying I’m either stopping him from being himself or I’m arrogant, mouthy, un-trusting, clingy and insecure (maybe I am, or maybe gut instinct, not sure.) and other petty stuff that I’m not even sure how an argument came about. Though once I did speak to his ex when she messaged me first, I can understand that would anger him.

Bit of an embarrassing topic but prior to moving in together we were always great in the bedroom, very healthy. Though one night after being out and both having some drinks we came home and he ended up ‘in the wrong hole’, when I brought it up the next day he said he thought (Detail removed by Moderator) but it wasn’t his intention and he didn’t realise that that is what had happened (if you catch my drift). I was sceptical and asked my gay friend who said you would 100% know. I didn’t say anything more to my boyfriend though, we’d both had a few drinks after all. After moving in together he got a bit lazy, it was me doing all the action and one night I got all dressed up in something sexy, he walked in the room, turned off the light then walked back out again. As well as another time him mumbling (Detail removed by Moderator) and saying he needs (Detail removed by Moderator), but I guess me suspecting him of cheating doesn’t make him an abuser. Though he did deny these comments and said I’d imagined it. Which made me wonder if he was gaslighting me, something I had a lot with my daughter’s dad.

Since moving in together he has got me more involved with his business, when I’m not doing my paid day job I’m working for him for free from morning til night, no time for myself or much for my kids. He would start saying how things should be done with the kids and if they didn’t do it or I’d try and compromise my parenting with his, he’d sulk and say (Detail removed by Moderator). He stopped complementing me and sending the sweet messages he previously did, instead more commenting he didn’t like my clothes – they weren’t fitted enough, they were faded I should show off my figure. In the summer why did I always wear short sleeves, in winter why did I always wear long sleeves, why didn’t I wear more dresses, skirts. If I had a glass of wine with dinner – it made me argumentative apparently, if I drunk coffee in the morning it made me jumpy. Now I’m not sure if life’s little pleasures do affect my mood and so avoided them, unless he initiated it by having a glass/cup himself.
So he has been becoming more moody and weird as well as asking more and more of me, looking after his kids and mine while he works the weekends his kids visit, wanting me to work from home at the same time on his business.

Most recently after a few days of him being moody and sulky (because I asked him to not work (Detail removed by Moderator) in favour of family time) and one night waking to feel him stroking my face and pubic area (I pretended to still be sleeping and he stopped), I was feeling on edge with him. Then during a heated discussion I could tell he was getting angry so went to leave the room, well he grabbed my shoulder and forced the door shut(Detail removed by Moderator). He only let go when I got a bit hysterical and was hyperventilating (I think my past contributed to this reaction) and shouted to let me go and let me out, my daughter was downstairs (Detail removed by Moderator)l and heard this. I avoided him for a couple of days and slept in the spare room, on (Detail removed by Moderator) night he tried to get into the room (Detail removed by Moderator) but I had a chair against the door. (Detail removed by Moderator)I took as much stuff as I could and the kids and left when he was at work. Since that time I’ve had daily emails, voicemails(hes blocked so it goes straight to voicemails) including telling me his kids keep asking for me and my kids. I’ve only sent one email to explain how I feel and let him know my intentions as far as our home is concerned. He continues with his messages even when I don’t respond.
This leads me to now. I miss him, well the good parts and the what could have been. Still love him deeply but not sure I can face a potential life time of being on tip toes.
Have I just been triggered by him grabbing me (Detail removed by Moderator), over reacted like he says in his emails, or has his behaviour been building up? My kids are being messed around, being kept off school because we’ve left the area and I feel awful, they should be at home in their own rooms, in their routines and going to school.
So sorry for the length of this thread, thank you if you’re still reading and for any insight and opinions offered. Am I doing the right thing getting out of there or should I go home and make amends?

[Iwantmeback]

No,no,no, you are so not wrong. You’re intuition is spot on with this one. Stay away, don’t let him hoover you back in. My god, my god, I’m lost fir words. Have you looked into trauma bonding. You’re only missing the nice persona, the real him is who you’ve been seeing more and more of. He’s wanting someone to do his business work fir free, that’s where you come in. He’s got a free baby sitter in you. He’s telling you what to wear, what you can drink. So what if life’s little pleasures affect you, you and most of everyone on this planet are affected by coffee and alcohol.
He’s pushing you away and pulling you back, classic abuser behaviour. He’s threatened you enough for you to put a chair at your door. You know deep down what he is, you just need to decide in your own time what to do. You’ve left, that’s such good news, stay safe, sweetheart don’t let this monster pull you back with false promises. You have said yourself tip toeing the rest of your life. I’ve been with my oh fir decades, please don’t become me. The longer you stay, the more you get lost. You’re children’s mental well being and your own are at risk from his behaviour. I’m so pleased you’ve reached out and posted on here. Keep posting and reading others posts, you will gain more strength than you thought possible from a forum. You are us, we are you.
He is also sexually abusing you, my OH does the exact same as yours, stroking my face, my pubic area, whispering I need you baby.You give in, to stop them sulking, to be able to go back to sleep. It’s taken me a long time to accept this behaviour is classed as rape. Jyst because we’re not forced and violently raped doesn’t mean we’re not being.
We do what we do to survive. You’ve gotten away, you saw the signs, you aren’t being over sensitive.
Blessings to you and your babies, Once the scales fall from our eyes, we can’t unsee who they are.
Wekcome to the clan
IWMB 💕💕
I hope I’ve not scared you, but your post scared me and I’m just want you to be safe and to stay sane💜💜

[Fleeingpixie]

Thank you for your support IWMB. I’m still getting my head around things, if he is abusive (I’m told he is and am seeing it but also blinkered by the sweet moments too), not sure how I let this happen again.
I’ll stick around the boards and may be able to give as well as receive support.
I hope you can be free one day xx

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Fleeingpixie, You have absolutely done the right thing to leave as you have been experiencing abuse on all levels.
That is amazing! You got you and your children away from this very abusive man.
Do you have a DA worker to support and advise you and have you talked to the police ? If you ask for a DV trained officer they can come and speak with you and and put a marker on your home. They could also release information under Clares Law about his assault charge. Abusers can really lie, I found out some sickening information which made me realise I was in even more danger. Also if you speak with your GP about it and that you are out it will be foos to have that on record and make sure that you are ok too.
He has physically abused you and has an assault charge for hitting another woman. All the classic confusing and hurtful behaviours are there. A lot of the things you describe I experienced with my ex. Our brains try and minimise what they are doing and they try and blame us and we become confused. On top of that we love them and keep looking for how they were at the beginning and the beautiful good times.
Unfortunately these times become less and less and we experience more abuse and are at risk of being attacked and seriously hurt or worse. The kids will suffer more than we know.
It is very hard to accept that this nasty side is how he is. Often something will remind me of the good times and I miss him so much and the future we will not have. I have to remember all the emotional, finacial abuse he punched me strangled me. I have modified and he still tries to get to me. More recently it has been lovebombing and poor me tactics and I have to try and have strong boundaries him as it sets me back on my path to healing. I have PTSD and a medical condition after long term abuse. I am very fortunate to be in trauma focused therapy now which is actually saving me.
We have a peaceful steady home and I can relax and laugh with my kids. No more walking on eggshells, rushing to get home, or trying to figure it all out. Thankfully I can still work. I can focus on just us. Dont worry about moving the kids, they will adapt and it’s better for them to live in an abuse free home with a Mother who is not being abused. It is hard but you can do it.
I found the Freedom Project online so helpful for naming all the abusive behaviours, looking at how non abusive partners treat a partner, and being aware of the Red flags for the future. I have heard the Freedom program is very good with amazing support.
Be very careful with security as he could get worse.
Take care and allx

[Apricotpoppy]

All the best xx

[Tiffany]

Oh God, he sounds like my ex. Right down to the ‘i’m keeping things secret because of cultural reasons’. It sounds like there were red flags from the start – gaslighting, lying to you, pressuring you into not leaving him when you were unhappy. He sounds like a nasty abuser and I am so very glad you got away.

[Fleeingpixie]

Good Morning Apricotpoppy,
Thank you for replying and your support and advice. The only contact I have had with police is to say he’d locked me out of my house and was told I can get a locksmith or break in. I haven’t spoken to them otherwise. Maybe I should speak with them, so it is possible to ask for a trained officer? as when I went to the police about my ex they weren’t that helpful and it has put me off this time.
Other authorities answer seem to be to send me to live in a completely different area, which isn’t what I want. I want to stay out of the house as I currently am but stay in my home area, safe from him. Maybe I am being naive to think this is possible.
I have a DV worker but have only met her once since fleeing, so early days. Thankfully my work and family have been very good and do their best. If I didn’t have that I probably would have stayed.
I’d like to say also well done to you for getting out, obviously you can’t say on here how long it’s been but however long it’s been you’re making positive changes, how did you access your therapy? I have been experiencing the ‘lovebombing’ and a mixture of ‘forgive me’ one minute and ‘I’ve done nothing wrong’ the next. I don’t know if he is trying to confuse me or if he is just confused himself. Overthinking and trying to interpret him just frys the brain.

Hi Tiffany
Thank you for your support and sorry that you’ve put up with the same c**p. I also am glad you got away. I have passed a lot of things off as cultural differences, because he puts it down to that, but surely it can’t be true that every relationship in that culture is abusive but passed off as the norm? I don’t know.

[KIP.]

Yes you can ask to speak to your local domestic abuse police officers. I think you need to go zero contact. Have you had good legal,advice? You can ring Rights for a Women for some free legal advice. Engage a good solicitor who has experience with domestic abusers. Let them deal with him and have zero direct contact with him. Any contact is toxic and confusing for victims x

[Iwantmeback]

Good morning @FleeingPixie, ive heard other ladies on here say they phone 101 and ask to speak to a DV trained officer. I think through my own experience of contacting the police, because i was pretty vague in getting across what i wanted from them, i didn’t get what i was looking for. I spoke to the officer in the main foyer, so felt very open as there were 2 men in the area too who could hear what i was talking about, i was worried they’d know me and therefore my OH.
You can choose to live anywhere you want, think the authorities believe we all want to run and hide, but why should we give up everything that is familiar to us.
It’s great to hear that you have support from work as well as family💜 therapy is through your doctor unless you go private. I didn’t have long to wait to get a preliminary i interview but not sure how long the waiting list is for therapy itself. The lady I saw said it wasn’t that long just now, but it will be different in whatever part of the UK you live in I suppose considering how much the funding had been cut in most council areas😔
He is really trying to confuse you, trust your instincts. Do you still love him/ have feelings for him. It’s hard when we do. I dont, but still can’t leave. You’re out sweetheart, try not let him sweet talk you back to him. It’ll get worse.
Cultural differences are his excuse to abuse and as such we use it to. I excused my oh’s behabiour because of his bad childhood, loss of family members, an illness he’s got now. We use anything to convince ourselves there must be a reason why they treat us this way. Because logically no one would deliberately treat someone they love so badly! Wrong, theirs is the only logic in the relationship, theirs is the only opinions that count🤔. I think you’re only doubting yoursekf because you’re not listening to your gut instinct, if you listen carefully she’s NEVER wrong💜💜
Stay strong FleeingPixie, you’re doing really well.

IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I also gave a huge amount of slack to my abuser because I wanted to be respectful of his culture. In the end I think it was just an excuse though. He had no respect for my culture or traditions – in fact he often told me that I didn’t have any culture or traditions! And as you said, it cannot be that every relationship in that culture is abusive. In the end I think he just knew it was a trump card in his abuse of me, because I felt I couldn’t argue back if it was a cultural issue. I think it is a common abusers tactic.

[Apricotpoppy]

Hi Fleeingpixie, You are really getting things sorted, good on you !
To answer your questions, the lovely women on here advised to ask for DA trained officers and for therapy ask for trauma counselling.
I accessed trauma focused CBT through NHS IAPT (Improved access to psychological therapies).
The GP gave me the details and I did an online referral. The GP was so kind, at that point I was struggling to break the silence and crying all the time. He said gently ‘why do you stay with him ?’ I couldnt answer except to cry more.
Anyway I saw the same GP recently and thanked him. He was happy for us. Bless him. As the ladies here told me there really is a lot of support out there.
Such a wonderful forum for advice and support. It has helped me so much .Thanks everyone ! Take care FP xx

[Fleeingpixie]

Hello again ladies

Thank you for your answers and sorry for a slow reply, where me and the kids have been staying, I’ve only had my phone for net and find the forum doesn’t work well on my phone, for writing essays anyway!
I’ve taken some of your advises about requesting a DV officer, I’ll put the goings on in a new thread though.

Tiffany, are you sure it’s not had the same man?! I was told ‘Britain has no culture’ too, but I disrespect and don’t understand his.

Apricotpoppy, I think I was on autopilot and now my brain has crashed. I will make an appointment to see my GP though and ask about the IAPT thing. Seems like it is working for you.

Thank you all again

[Author]

Posts