Hi guys, back again.. is it just me? Please help

[Confusedgirl]

So im back on here again after posting last year..

Things seem to be good, really good and then we will have a really bad week or so. I’m struggling with it all lately and so miserable..

Some of the things that’s he’s done/said over
the years are

Called me a f*****g b***h
S**g
Gone to punch me loads of times but hasn’t actually
Threatened me with rape
Say I abuse and neglect my baby
Threatening to tell social services I’m a druggie
Constantly says I only care about my 2 children from my 1st marriage (I don’t)
Says I’m mental. Autistic (my (detail removed by Moderator) year old is)
Twists everything I say back onto me
Takes every little thing I say as criticism and causes a huge deal over it
Threatens to beat up my father
Threatens to beat up my ex husband
There’s loads more stuff to

This time he created a massive row over me not (detail removed by Moderator). Saying I had no excuse as I’m up at 6am.. he lies in bed until half 7, won’t help me.
There’s 4 children here I have to get rest and myself for work
Anyway after that day I went to work and had a day full of abuse off him, saying how I’m a terrible mother, I abuse and neglect my toddle because he didn’t (detail removed by Moderator), how I only love my child from my 1st marriage, then how much I hurt him, how he’s so hurt, why don’t I support him.

I left and stayed in hotels for (detail removed by Moderator) days but now I’m back and he’s all over me, declaring his love.. how can he just forget about all he said about me? I’m so hurt.. he says if he says something on day, I can’t bring it up the day after as it’s dragging the past up.. but if I wrote it all down it’s a lot of abuse and nastiness…

I’m so sad, I love this man so much but he just doesn’t see how he’s hurting me. He’s back to being all loving and helpful now..

I can’t take much more of it x*x

[Tiffany]

This is a classic example of the cycle of abuse. After he behaves badly he acts in an incredibly loving way to make you doubt and minimise the abuse. I would highly recommend looking it up as it explains so clearly the patterns that exist in these relationships. I would also call women’s aid. They will be able to listen to you and and help you talk through the abuse, and also help you plan a safe exit plan, if you are ready for that.

You are not a bad mother for forgetting to put (detail removed by Moderator), and are frankly amazing for being able to raise 4 children, including one with autism, by the sounds of it more or less by yourself. I mean, when I was with my abuser I wasn’t even capable of looking after myself properly – I would forget to wear my coat or even forget to eat.

[Confusedgirl]

Hi Tiffany, thankyou for replying.

I have been on forums reading up etc, for around 2 years. I’ve rung women’s aid for advice, I rang there last week to ask about a refuge place and now my health visitor has just rung asking to come and see me for my toddlers (detail removed by Moderator) check 🙁 I really hope that’s a coincidence, as I thought women’s aid were confidential..

It’s so confusing isn’t it.. I feel all over the place mentally and emotionally. My weight is dropping fast, I can’t eat a lot. I can’t really think straight. Yet I get up, go to work, take care of my 3 boys aswell as his daughter who he has full custody of.

I just can’t forget or forgive him for saying I abuse my son, then twisting it around on me all day long. It’s hurt me so bad this time. I’m not sure why. Every other time I just let it go but I’m so hurt.
He’s constantly texting, ringing saying I seem “off” asking if things are ok with “us”… being really loving and nice saying he worships me..
but this time last week I was the most shittest mum and wife ever who shows her husband no respect..
I have a house rented. I should be able to get the keys this week or next, my dad says he will help me get out..
so why can’t I decide? Why can’t I go? Why am I thinking I’ve over reacted and it was just a argument..

I’m so unhappy 🙁 xxxx

[Tiffany]

Honestly, it is normal to feel how you feel when you are in an abusive relationship. I thought I was going mad. I had lost all sense of perspective when I was with my abuser. I couldn’t recognise what kinds of behaviour were acceptable and normal and which ones weren’t. It took maybe a month or so after leaving my abuser before I regained some of that perspective, although worryingly I seem to have internalised that I in some way brought the behaviour upon myself and deserved it, and that feeling still gets me sometimes, even though it is months and months down the line though.

One thing that helped me leave (while in a fair amount of denial about the abuse) was to remind myself that you don’t have to stay with your partner if you are unhappy, even if they are not abusive. Honestly, from your description I have no doubt that your partner is abusive, but you don’t have to be entirely certain of that to leave (I wasn’t). If you are certain that you are unhappy and hurt that is enough. I hope this helps.

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