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Hello, Thank you for this forum and to all the amazing women out there.
Apologies for a long post but it does help me to see the extent of what I went through and help to work things out in my own mind. The following is really only the tip of the ice burg on what my children and myself experienced.
To this day he denies he abused me which makes me question my own mind and if I have made more out of it then what it was. I will document some of the events and am hoping, with another’s prospective, I can be helped to see I am not going crazy.
Fear swallowed me. It affected all areas of my life and I became a pleaser and peace maker. Each day I would make sure all was in order so my husband could have a easy exit out to work. I would lay out his clothes and have things ready for him to go. If something was lost he would literally turn everything upside down and scream and rage at us until it was found. (It was usually his wallet or some other item he owned) I would count down the minutes until he would leave waiting for the peace in the home. Sometimes his work took him out of town for a few days which I was grateful for. That was my time to think about myself and my children and was a great relief.
After a while he set up his own home business which meant he was home more and more. I was assigned to care for all the running of the business while he was the service provider. I had no idea how things were to be done and made many mistakes which I paid for by threats, intimidation and told how useless I was. One time he had a client that required some documents and so he demanded that I photocopy the documents needed which I was having issues with. It was close to (detail removed by Moderator) and I was begging him to let me rest in bed. I was (detail removed by Moderator) and was due in hospital (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning to (detail removed by Moderator). He screamed and yelled abuse at me telling me I was worthless and so far beneath him and my family were all beneath his family ( I heard that a lot)
(detail removed by Moderator)
When it came to finances he controlled how much could be spent but gave me the responsibility to make sure loans, credit cards were paid on time. He would purchase all sorts of things and if the funds were not available to pay the card at the end of the month I received hours of verbal abuse and threats. He would smash our belongings, kick down doors and tell me I was lucky it was not me. If I spent money or went over budget then I was accused of stealing from him and the family. Most of my spending was on necessary items for a growing family. Not on myself.
I have had a number of threats on my life. One time he ran at me with his fist closed telling me (detail removed by Moderator) and (detail removed by Moderator) I woke in the dark to him standing over me, telling me he could have stabbed me and there was nothing I could have done about it and if I phoned the police I had no proof of his threat. His word against mine. Another time (detail removed by Moderator) told me he knew how to get rid of dead bodies so they couldn’t be found. I was terrified and each day I woke up I would wonder if it was my last.
He had a affair that lasted (detail removed by Moderator) years. I thought it was over in the (detail removed by Moderator) year. (detail removed by Moderator).
It was not like I was not intimate with him. He would ask for it all the time, even during my monthly or when I was lying in bed feeding my babies. If I didn’t he would sulk. Afterwards I always had to rate him as to how he performed.
There were times when driving with him was very dangerous. He would engage in road rage, speed excessively and use these times when I had no where to go to scream abuse at me, putting me down and humiliating me in front of our children. A couple of times he abandoned me in a dark unknown area. (detail removed by Moderator).
He has been physical pushing, kicking, hitting, holding me down on the floor, throwing a knife in my direction after repeatedly in a angry fit stabbing it into a chopping board, but I found the threats, intimidation and just waiting for the rage to be absolutely terrifying.
It was when child services became involved, as my (detail removed by Moderator) child was attempting suicide due to the harm he was inflicting on her, I finally was able to get some help. They put me and my (detail removed by Moderator) children in a refuge where we stayed for (detail removed by Moderator) months. I received help and support and for the first time told someone what was happening in our home. I managed to find my own place and moved there for (detail removed by Moderator) with my children. What a relief but it didn’t last. He found me and convinced me he had changed and so I returned to him. Since then, I am constantly blamed for child services been involved in our family and how awful I was to not stand up for him.
He moved us far away from the child services and far away from my family. My (detail removed by Moderator) child did not come with us and has remained with a family member due to not being able to live with him anymore.
He would make fun of my religion and would not let me practice my faith freely, taking the keys off me and telling me which days I could go out. I could not have my friends over and once when I did he became very verbal about it.
I finally got to a point where enough was enough. I have had multiple threats of divorce and I did live seperate from him for a few months in another part of the house but that just made things worse. A way was opened up for me to leave. On the (detail removed by Moderator) I was in the home he once again became aggressive and would not leave me alone. My child was in the room asking him to leave and he wouldn’t. My family arranged accommodation for me and I left. Within a week I found a home. What a relief. Now I am out of the home I can stop and think of what went on. Often though as I am going off to sleep my mind will relive moments which does trigger trauma as does certain sounds and, what I find odd, the weather can also.
He does not know where I live and is not happy about that. He pressures my (detail removed by Moderator) child to tell him where we are.
There are things I regret. Not opening up to my family earlier about what was happening. I felt ashamed and didn’t wan them to look at him in a bad way. I also regret not phoning the police – not once did I do that- looking back know, there would be a record. He often goes on and tells others that he has a clean police record with no history of abuse.
My (detail removed by Moderator) have severe anxiety and experience panic attacks. My (detail removed by Moderator) child has blocked most of it out. I do blame myself for not removing my children earlier from the situation but when I think about it I was trapped myself, trapped in daily fear and was running on survival mode. It has impacted my health. I have had multiple benign tumours removed within my body mainly related to the endocrine system. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD.
I have just recently been in contact with a local womans’ shelter who run a programme to help woman so I have signed up for that and hoping it helps me understand what went on.
Thank you for reading my story and I hope the woman experiencing abuse can get the help they need.
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Hi BlueBirdSong.
Gosh, without a doubt you are in a very abusive relationship and no way this can be classed as normal marital issues. I’m in an abusive relationship but it’s nowhere near as intense as you’ve described yours. I don’t have a huge amount of experience to share with you but you’re in the right place for getting support. If there’s any doubt in your mind that you are being abused I suggest you look up Lundy Bancroft – you’ll find a free pdf online of his book “why does he do that” to help you gain some clarity.
I’m so pleased you’re getting support and please continue to share.You’re not alone.
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Hi, I am also new and have put out a post asking if it was domestic abuse.
Before I got any answers – I read it back as if it was someone else. I already knew the answer – You know the answer. We just hope we’re wrong – we’re not!
The only advice I can give is – don’t regret things you did or didn’t do in the past – focus on your future. You’re free and you can be happy! I know it’s easier to say than do – and it’s much easier giving advice than taking it. (I’m still in my relationship)
Also – Your already taking the steps to heal – writing on here and signing up for a program. Be proud of yourself.
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Oh I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. I honestly have tears in my eyes reading this. You never deserved any of what you. You sound like a lovely, caring, empathic person who only wanted the best for their family. Well done for getting out. This is not normal and it is not okay.
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