hi, i am new here and very anxious

[looloo]

hello, i am new here and saying i am very anxious would be an understatement..

i have not recently left a relationship i believed was very toxic, constantly on and of for many years. I got into this relationship at a very young age, it was my first same sex relationship and i was head over heels for this person. My now ex partner has a (detail removed by moderator) and would often use the mental health as a cop out for her behaviors, saying she couldn’t help it or didn’t know how to control it. At times her mental health was so bad that she would be in and out of mental health wards after many suicide attempts, this was a big reason why i stayed so long. i felt a duty of care to this person, i was her main support, or carer we could say. i always worried what would happen if she didn’t have me around as it was often mentioned that i was her reason for living. it started of having to spend all my time with this person, if i was out with friends/family i would get messages saying she felt as if she was going to kill herself and couldn’t cope mentally, for awhile i thought it was just bad timing but the more it happened i noticed the pattern. Little things would turn into big arguments, screaming matches infact, name calling, following me around knowing it wound me up more, taking my phone of me so i couldnt go on it etc..

we broke up a few times and i went back when she finally agreed to get help for her mental health as i thought this was the main reason she was this way.. for a period of time things were great, i finally had the relationship i had always hoped of but then it slowly went back to old ways. However, it was less physical and more mental, its like i could never do right whatever the situation. Because this was my first same sex relationship she would always worry id leave her for a man again so this became a problem, having to remove guys of social media, cutting contact with male friends because she didn’t trust them. it then slowly became a issue me having girl friends so i was always being questioned or accused of something with someone and no amount of reassurance was enough. when we would argue it would get heated and id want to cool down before dealing with the situation(trying to handle things differently and maturely) and this is when the ultimatums started. ‘we either sort this or i am leaving’ ‘we talk now or we talk never’ i had no choice in the matter. Then when trying to talk about my feelings or showing any kind of emotions i often got told i was over sensitive, dramatic or to emotional and that i needed to work on that for the relationship to work..

i have been humming and arring about joining this and posting as im not sure whether what i went through was abuse or not, i feel i shouldn’t be moaning when others have gone through much worse. the worse part for me currently is that i miss this person, i miss having them around because it wasn’t always bad. is this normal?

[Lottieblue]

Hello looloo,

I just want to give you a little wave and say hi and welcome. You have definitely come to the right place. It is amazing how many people come on here apologising and saying that everyone else has had it worse. If you’ve been abused you’ve been abused, and if you’ve been abused you need support.

What support have you managed to get for yourself? So many people who come on to this forum suffer anxiety after leaving their relationship (and before, obviously), so you are certainly not abnormal. You have done really well to escape this relationship, and it will get better.

There will be others who come along to give you advice, I am sure of that. Keep coming back, and try to have a read through some of the other posts – there’s a lot of activity on the forum at the moment so posts are slipping down the pages quite quickly so be sure to go right back through them. It may make you feel a little less alone.

X

[Eggshells]

Hi looloo.

Welcome to the forum.

If you are not sure if it is abuse or not, please have a go at this test.

There is also some really good advice here.

As Lottieblue said, abuse is abuse and all abuse is extremely damaging. It sounds to me like you have had a really rough time in this relationship. Well done for surviving it and for getting out.

Please come back and talk some more when you feel ready. xx

[Eggshells]

Oh, my links have disappeared.

Am I in an abusive relationship?

Recognising domestic abuse

Sorry about that. 😊

[looloo]

thankyou both for your kind words, i have been receiving therapy for anxiety for a while now. i’m a very anxious person as it is, it became worse when i got with my ex partner, i was always worried and on edge about different things.

thankyou eggshell for the helpful link, im shocked by how many i ticket yes for actually… has anyone used to chat on here? i just wondered if it was useful as im not currently speaking to anyone about this, i tend the bottle a lot up and deal with stuff alone.. thankyou again for your kind words and being some welcoming

[Eggshells]

I haven’t used the chat but I can’t do any harm for you to try it. If it’s not for you, at least you tried.

There are lots of other ways that you can get help too. The quickest and easiest is to pay a private counsellor who specialises in abuse but that can be expensive. Screen keep freezing …. 😱😱😱

[Eggshells]

Sorry, I’ll try again on a fresh post.

If you can’t afford private counselling then you’re GP may be able to help. It depends very much on the area you are in but I have had very good trauma therapy on the NHS.

There will also be a local DV charity in your area. You can use this link or phone Women’s Aid who can tell you who your local provider is. https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Again, the services offered vary in quality and type of support but at the very least, you should be able to get a keyworker who you can chat to. Some DV charities also offer counselling.

It can be a bit of a shock when you do the test and discover just how many of the boxes you tick. If you are a reader, I would definitely recommend a book called “Living with the Dominator” by Pat Craven. It is very accessible and really opened my eyes to just how much abuse I had been subjected to. I just hadn’t realised that so much of my life was dominated by different types of abuse from my ex. Once you start to read up, the scales will fall away and it will give you a starting point if you want to open a new thread and just chat.

Please do let us know if you found the chat service helpful. xx

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