Hi, I am new here.

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi,

I am not sure where to start, but glad I found this forum. I have contacted WA for advice as I believe I am in an abusive relationship. I did not see it coming, until I did not recognise myself anymore,after years of covert emotional abuse, lots of manipulation, control and anger. Recently I was called a(detail removed by moderator) for the first time and truly felt scared because although he did not hit me, he sure looked menacing. He had so much hatred in his eyes at that moment.
I had enough of walking on egg shells. I don’t want our kids to grow up in such an environment. I have contacted WA and my GP as a start. Its great to see other survivors online, makes it less lonely.

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. Realising and accepting that someone you thought loved you has actually been deliberately abusing you is beyond devastating so please be very kind to yourself, it takes real strength to accept that so well done you. It’s going to be a rollercoaster but for the sake of you and your children it’s so much better that you know what your dealing with. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Some good books to get you started. Don’t tell him what you’re doing, don’t confront him about his abuse. No doubt you’ve tried on many many occasions. Just take baby steps and lean on women’s aid to get you safely from him. Keep a secret journal and any evidence you can. Texts, emails, witnesses, details of the history of abuse. I found it useful to start writing a list of all the abusive episodes. Rough dates and descriptions. Don’t worry if you can’t remember details as that’s the trauma. I can remember rough dates and outbursts but sometimes I can’t even remember how they started or what they were about. You will get through this. Stronger, wiser and happier x

[hopefortomorrow]

Thank you KIP and thanks for the recommended books to read. I just remember few incidents of rage and its hard to pinpoint as its been drip feed of criticism, gaslighting and manipulation. Some days are good too which makes the covert abuse so confusing. I will start keeping a journal. I always wondered why my partner remembers events differently than me and insist that is how it happened. Its been hard to try and do stuff in secret, phoning GP, WA etc because my partner is almost always around.
I definately want to leave but feel a strong pull at the same time and a lot of guilt. I have read a lot of posts on here and comforted by the fact that many made it out safely.

[Okeydokey]

Hi I feel alone to it been nearly (detail removed by moderator) I not seen my (detail removed by moderator) old his father mentally abused me what hurts I believed we be together forever don’t want noone else long story short icing on the cake he head butted me called me absorbs that I’m having different men an now I don’t think I ever see my son he got care as of my mental health an I no I could go court but not strong enough to it gave no friends or family 😢

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi okeydokey that is very sad to hear…I always ask myself how can one human being be so cruel to another, especially if they promised to love you and care for you. Could you get professionals involved e.g police, solicitors,your GP etc? Have you journalled the abuse? I have found that writing down the abuse made it more real and puts things into perspective. It could potentially help you in court. I am also alone, no friends, family, so have to lean on professionals and organisations such as WA. And I just appreciate the wonderful survivors on here who are sharing their stories and encouraging, it makes the journey less lonely.
Hugs x

[hopefortomorrow]

Okeydokey one last thing, you are strong and you can make it, one step at a time. The fact that you are on this forum shows strength and bravery. Don’t give up, fight for your baby. This is what these abusers do, they isolate you so you feel you have nowhere to turn, but there is help out there. You may feel lonely but you are not alone. Hugs x

[Okeydokey]

Hopefortommorow,
Thank you for that it’s brought me to tears I want to fight for my lil one ,he as made it very clear my lil one wants nothing to do with me he an his family are very intimidating that they have made my lil one not want to no me (detail removed by Moderator)yrs this as gone on maybe it time for me to let go an accept I will never see my lil one again

[KIP.]

Google the cycle of abuse, and the power and control wheel in domestic abuse. If there were no good times we would leave but they know that so they keep us hooked in trying to get that good man back but he doesn’t exists x

[hopefortomorrow]

Thank you KIP, very eye opening. I now know what I must do, as hard as that may be. Thank you for your support and bringing me back to reality. It is easy to fall into false comfort, but as you said the good man act is just a facade, he does not exist. Heart breaking to finally realise that your entire relationship was based on a lie. x.

[Hebe]

Hi Hopefortomorrow, my heart goes out to you, I understand all that you express, the confusion about which is the reality. The loneliness is indeed at times crushing.

Your instincts are good. Your memory is true. You deserve better.

I can only echo what KIP has posted. I will add, this forum is such a haven, to lean on, absorb the positivity and take strength for the gradual steps you will need to take to protect yourself.

Do take time to write things down in a safe place. It is only when you can review these notes through a different lens that the truth is revealed and confirmed. Because such behaviour is so alien to those who are treated so, it is outside their ken and to escape it challenges their own belief systems. Why would someone behave so cruelly for no apparent reason?

I am still unlearning the response to the cycle, it is tough but step by step, action by action which is under your direction it will reduce in time. Get help and support from the professional services and groups available. It makes it easier than trying to do it alone.

For a hopeful message to you, it is possible to find peace and contentment where you may be alone but not lonely. Your dreams are yours and like an athlete in training, build your strength and stamina, it will be testing times, but believe in yourself.

Set yourself easy goals, a to-do list, be kind to yourself if it takes a long time to get things done. I found statements starting with ‘I will’ empowering.

You have a lot to deal with, so the most important message is to take care of yourself, stay safe. Be proud of what you have achieved so far, well done.

Hugs x

[hopefortomorrow]

Thanks so much H**e for your very encouraging message. I was in tears reading it, because it spoke straight to my heart. Your words were so soothing. I will take to heart all the advice and get in touch with various professional services to assist. I love to-do-lists so will make one and note to self to be kind to myself.
Do you think contacting the police would helpI know there won’t be an arrest based on this but at least it will be on record. What are your thoughts?
Hugs
x

[Hebe]

Hi hft, do what is safe and feels right to you and when you feel strong enough as each step takes energy. The paramount message is stay safe, if you are in danger, seek help and don’t wait.

I went to the police, I managed without arousing attention. It did help on several levels without an immediate response as you are right not to expect that. They can advise you on how to stay safe and refer you to support groups. With children involved, this may also influence the response.

Telling a trusted third party always helps, it gives clarity to what has been happening, and what is in your mind. Saying it out loud rather than it running around in your head, while feeling certain there is something amiss and it is fundamentally wrong even if the other party says it isn’t. You know deep down, truly.

It is a big step to take, so again, don’t underestimate the energy it will take.

The benefits? Empowerment. You are in the driving seat. It is your action to own and to take strength from. There may be questions that are uncomfortable to answer, at the same time all aspects are covered which you may have overlooked or ignored.

One other thought, the lie was not yours, you were true to the relationship. We find ourselves taking the guilt and blame. This is how the abuse works. It’s difficult sometimes to see the positive, but try to turn negative statements into a positive one. You deserve to be, to live peacefully and to express yourself as you are, a wonderful human being.

Take care of yourself

Hugs x

[hopefortomorrow]

Hi H**e thanks for your response. You really have a way with words. Thanks so much.
Now that I no longer allow my husband to get to me through mental and been focusing on getting help and getting out, its like he can sense something has changed. Something has changed, they day he called me a very derogatory name/s and intimidatinf me with his rage, is the day the relationship died. I always sensed in the later years something is amiss like he does not like me or even something close to hatred, but thought that is impossible. I started reading the book Why does he do that, but could not continue, it was so dark. And the more I read the more I felt worried. I watched a video about emotional abuse and the person said physical and emotional abuse comes from the same place, a very dark place. They would love to beat you, but too coward to do it so they resort to namecalling, which is just as damaging.
(detail removed by Moderator) he left the house close to (detail removed by Moderator) and returned an hour later, with no explanation. I am ot sure what to make of it. I am so grateful for all the ladies on here, I no longer feel so lonely. And thanks H**e for the advice, much appreciated. How have you been H**e?
Hugs x

[Hebe]

Hi hopefortomorrow

Thanks for asking, it’s one day at a time. I am physically removed but it’s still a challenge. I’m slowly building the wall to prevent or start to limit the electronic control messages. They tug at my heart and soul.

I have to work hard on the damage limitation. I thought I could manage the messages, but I found I couldn’t. It seems on the one hand so feeble to feel so. I have blocked the phone, but it hasn’t ended. So, I look for another strategy. Our abusers seem to have everything covered. But they do not if we don’t let them. That is what I repeat to myself, I will not let it happen.

Well done on reading some of the book, I started one years ago and couldn’t get beyond the first page because it was just too scary then. I did take something from it though, so every page you have read helps to change your thought processes.

Unravelling a long standing relationship is frightening as you wonder how to survive the everyday. And that’s partially what abusers rely on, chipping away at your own beliefs, self-worth and confidence. Some people think it is easy to just walk away, that it is easy to have no contact. It is tough because of our nature which is to nurture, be kind, be thoughtful and as caring people.

It is about survival, you are right to be wary. I was blissfully unaware of the danger I was in, it had been normalised. With support, I was able to see it for myself. So I can say, it is possible to survive and breath in good air which isn’t laden with spite, hate or emotional blackmail, to feel relaxed and not wondering where the next poisoned dart with come from.

Yes, he will sense a change in you and may try other ways to pacify you. This is where the journal helps and to review what has actually happened. When I read through events I have recorded, I almost can’t believe it, why did I tolerate this for so long, why didn’t I see it?

So it strengthens my resolve and by your asking how I am doing, has given me a chance to reflect. And on reflection, I’m doing fine even if I feel a bit wobbly 🙂
Thank you!

Hugs to you
x

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