Hi, I am new to the forum.

[Bluegem]

Hi everyone, I have just joined this forum and want to share my story. I left my abusive partner (detail removed by moderator) years ago. He started off as emotionally abusive and very controlling. I was living in his home. He stopped any of my friends or family coming to his house (but in such a way that I felt it was my fault). I had never heard of the term emotional abuse or coercive control. He made me feel stupid and worthless until I felt I had totally lost my identity. I had previously married an abusive man who had a violent temper, used to kick, yell and punch things. So as this guy never raised his voice or his hand, I thought he was gentle. I couldn’t see that his behaviour was worse (I have since heard it referred to as Chinese water torture). I just got on with each day like walking on eggshells, never speaking out, afraid of him and his anger which was never far from the surface. Then I got breast cancer. There was no support whatsoever, he treated it as a nuisance. He did drive me to the hospital for surgery but dumped me in the car park with my bags and drove off. It was during my months of treatment that the abuse got physical and he sexually abused me three times. I am shaking and crying as I write this. I have been receiving counselling for the past 12 months and she has made me believe in myself, that I am important, I am not stupid, worthless and all the other things he made me feel. I had another breast cancer scare a few weeks ago and this brought back all the abuse as well as the trauma of cancer. I made the monumental decision to do something about this man but didn’t even know where to start. So I went to my local CAB last week and the lady read out everything I had written down as I could not bring myself to speak the words of what he did to me. Her first reaction was that she thought it was a police matter. However, she put me in touch with a local solicitor who deals in family law. I have my first appointment (detail removed by moderator) and this first appointment is free. I don’t know what she will advice me to do and will come back on here later and share with you all. I don’t feel able to tell any of my family or friends about what happened because I still feel ashamed like it was my fault. My counsellor is helping me work through this though. I should mention that I have no interest in financial gain from this, I just want him to know that the way he treated me was disgraceful and totally wrong. I read somewhere ‘why should I stay silent so you can stay comfortable’. Thank you for reading.

[KIP.]

Hi and welcome. I think you should contact your local women’s aid for support. They were fantastic with me. I can tell you that your husband absolutely knows the way he treats you is disgraceful and wrong. He chooses to treat you this way. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? I’m sorry for the cancer diagnosis you had the first time round. I found that when I was ill, the abuse got worse. Like he sensed some sort of weakness. I was going for a heart monitor and got dumped at the hospital door too. Such despicable men. Welcome and I hope you get validation and support from this wonderful forum and it give you strength to know you’re not alone x

[Bluegem]

Hi KIP and thank you for your reply. Just to add that this man wasn’t my husband (I had been married previously) but I was living with him as his partner. I hope you are well now. I agree it’s despicable that they get more abusive when we are in a weakened state. What pathetic creatures!x

[KIP.]

Ahhh. I saw that when I re read it. You might like to ring 101 and speak to a domestic abuse police officer. There are time limits for charging a crime but you are entitled to give a full statement of the abuse as one day it might corroborate another victim. It might also show up in Claire’s Law should a new victim want to find out if he’s abusive. It’s taken me several years just to believe he won’t come back and hurt me again. When that weight was lifted, there was a huge shift in my recovery but it’s still a daily battle. They rob us of so much but we have the last laugh as we have our freedom x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi Bluegem and welcome x

I’m so sorry to read what you have gone through, it’s good you are receiving councelling and have come to this place because it absolutely wasn’t your fault and you most certainly matter as does what happened to you. I echo KIP’s advice to contact WA, you can call them anytime. If it wasn’t for the validation I got the first time I called them, I am worried what would have happened. It’s good to read your councellor has helped you believe in yourself, it’s so important.

I’m so sorry to read of his horrendous behaviour while you were battling cancer. And it indeed seems to be a common theme of these men. I was assaulted by my ex after a surgery once, I was dumped while waiting on a hospital appointment (he came back though, I assume he realised that if he wasn’t there to hold my hand when the doctors and nurses asked what had happened to me, that I might just tell them the truth), the list goes on.

I really like your quote. Indeed, you should not stay quiet. Tell your truth. And please know it was never ever your fault.

Keep posting x

[Daphnee]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum/website (please do forgive me if I have come to the wrong page or forum)…I have been trying to contact Women’s Aid via phone for many months via the website to no avail. I still have a hard time processing/saying the following but I am a survivor of Domestic Abuse (Emotional, Coercive, Physical, Financial and Religious abuse). (Detail removed by moderator)  ago I end up in a court because he was charged him, the evidence was enough to put him away but i was in my eyes weak, (court detail removed by moderator)  the case was dismissed.

He promised me so many things but it happened many times again….Married (detail removed by moderator) , assaulted and court from then to Easter. He promised me never again,  (detail removed by moderator) …was the last brutal attack that i experienced

I…for the 1st time in my life did not feel like a human being, i felt so worthless, less than anything living
I led for my life because he would have killed me that weekend…his mother who is religious and agreed with his behavior, I believe would have helped him

I testified (detail removed by moderator)  and he was found guilty…one of the most horrific experience of my life (i thought that in life and with him that i had experienced everything)…nothing can prepare you for his defense lawyer defending him. I felt like my soul was being ripped apart and when he was found guilty…there was no joy because he was my everything but i had been so gaslighted and abused…that i kept believing that he was my everything.

Less than (detail removed by moderator)  later…he appealed and i am about to testify again
I’ve not slept, i do not eat properly and all of my usual activities…gym, family and friends ceased to temporarily exist

From this last event i suffer from PTSD, had CBT therapy but i’ve been told that i need EMT therapy (at £85 i cannot afford it), i am in the middle of a brutal divorce where he still asserts his power

I tried to get a hold of Womens Aid because…an appeal is tough and i needed a listening ear

I don’t know how many of the women on this website have attained the level of strength…especially those with children
My husband and i were trying and he kicked me so hard in the stomach…i can’t bare to say anything else

Despite my journey i would like you to know that there are some in the criminal justice system who are there to help….I have had 2 very different experiences with different precincts and many times i had to be my own administrator and receptionist…calling and emailing the appropriate channels

And although i am so scared for my life and that of my loved ones…i couldn’t let this happen to the women after me… my heart and cant bare it

x

…..One day at a time x

[Author]

Posts