This topic contains 15 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Anonymous 1 month ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #100353
     bravelassie 
    Participant

    ‘Hello, i am (detail removed by moderator) and i am new to the forum.The past is the past, thats what i keep telling myself.However, the past never lets us go, the past is shaping us.I do want to forget it but every day in life is a reminder, whether it is a film, or a saying, or a smell or anything at all, be it small or big. You just cannot forget.And there is the ignorant folks saying…forget it, its 2020 now you have to move on.How can you move on when what your past is always present always here whether you like it or not.But i am happy now to be in a place where you all nice and kind people do understand, do know what it is all about

  • #100373
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Hi BL, welcome to the forum. It takes a long time to recover doesn’t it, for sure, it takes a long time to even get to a normal life again first. I think anyone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship just doesn’t understand, not all but most. I have one friend who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship and she is never jusdgemental, has the kindest soul, I’m sure she doesn’t really get it at times but I would never know this, her support is unwaivering, but she is def the exception to the rule. I’ve had to give one of my friends a wide berth, as she is of this same opinion, move on would you, you’re not helping yourself here, you don’t even see him anymore and he’s with someone new, she doesn’t get how he still continues to make life a misery through our child, how it effects my child and me. Like we’re seperated now so we can all move on – it’s ignorance, but I am also thankful she has never had to deal with abuse.

    I think most people have the false assumptions that we are all adults, equally responsible for the success or failure of our relationships, equally responsible for failing to be adult and putting the child’s needs first when they see us not communicating. That we should all choose happiness. When this is simply not the case at all when dealing with abuse, there is a completely different logic required.

    It does shape us BL, and there is no changing the past I agree, so what we need to do is find ways to learn from it, so it shapes us into the best person we can be, not turn us into shrivelling wrecks, scared to live life. Trauma can be a gift when it shows or teaches things. No one escapes trauma in life, we all experience it at one time or another, it is part of life, so we need to find ways to overcome it, which often comes in the form of personal growth.

    Sounds like you maybe need to unpack it and process it a bit more to me; maybe get some therapy? Would need to be with someone with experience of working with abuse for a min. of 5 years though really; longer would be even better – someone who has devoted their working life to understanding trauma.

    Self awareness arms and protects us, heals us x

  • #100404
     bravelassie 
    Participant

    Thank you fizzylem.yes, trauma does shape us and yes we need to learn from it.I have started seeing a psychotherapist where i am now and seeing him once a week does help.But as he says, its gonna take years, and years i do have.Reading all posts of the nice ladies on here is a good way to start and its comforting to see that i am not alone.xx

  • #100437
     Tickleribber 
    Participant

    I read somewhere, “ to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start”
    The years go by quicker than you think, try and look forward and not back.

  • #100586
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Hi BL. Yes it does take time. I’ve just been given beta blockers for PTSD and am awaiting further assessment to find an appropriate treatment. However, I have been warned that there is no cure. I have a very specific trigger around aggressive men. Unfortunately, I still work with my ex and I start having nightmares when I know there is a meeting coming up. My employers are slow to respond to my needs and just sat back and watched him become aggressive with me in a meeting. But, I’ve applied for another job. I have no idea if I get it but if I do, I’ll be closer to my family and better paid. There will always be set backs but keep moving forward as much as you can. I think recovery is a lifelong process. Keep going. x*x

    • #100592
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Hello eggshells, this sounds tough for sure, working along side the perpetrator; I feel work should have done more here; that you have not had your safety needs met; perhaps they have done all they could? Or perhaps not? Unsure, but whichever this is, it has left you with an incredibly difficult situation to be in. Sounds like you have this covered, are taking good care of yourself and getting as far away as you can. I really hope you get this new job, how can you start recovery realy until then? You need to feel safe for a start.

      But I also feel annoyed that you have been told there is no cure for trauma, this places limitations on your recovery, leads you into thinking I will always suffer on some level or at one time or another – when this is not true.

      Labelling the need for ‘treatment’ of PTSD also implies this is a condition, also unhelpful BL. Trauma is part of life – the difficulty we have is welcoming it in, working through it, and taking what we need from it, growth and awareness, so we can adjust in a healthy way.

      Look to those who have overcome adversity; there are plenty of people out there, folk that have been through some horrendous times and come out the other side. I have friend who was ganged raped as a child, she also lost a child, and she overcame these things, through growth and awareness, she is the kindest soul, compassionate, true to herself always, lives life as though every day is the last, appreciates all that life gives her, the apples and the pears, because she knows there is always something very helpful to her in each and every situation, she has helped so many others to overcome now too, she shows us this can be done. Takes a bit of time yes, but the only person preventing you from moving forwards is ultimately you – this is what I learnt anyway, there is a process yes, and more to it that this, you need a good strong support network too, but letting go of the stuff that tortures us is always needed – along with letting go of the anger and blame, it is always only me that has ever stopped this from happening, it’s never been anyone or anything else, just me x

  • #100673
     Eggshells 
    Participant

    Very wise word fizzylem. How do you let go of the blame and anger though?

  • #100676
     fizzylem 
    Participant

    Think of a time when you have let go of anger, how did you do this and why? It’s no different here, the outcome is always the same, you let it go at some point right? May as well be sooner than later as it only poisons the self.

    If you are hurt and angry, attend to your hurt, spend time with your hurt, process it, express this, make sense of why you feel hurt until you get to a place where you start to see what I have learnt here, what I will differently in future. Alot of anger comes from feeling hurt, once you get to point where it no longer hurts this is a big part of it. You no longer need anger to be hurts bodyguard.

    Your validation doesn’t come from holding on to hurt or anger. Your validation comes from acknowledging this hurt, knowing your truth and standing in it – always – regardless of what others say and do. I used to engage with him in arguements, to try and justify myself, this is how he hooked me back in, but this only kept it going. I dont need to justify myself to him or to anyone now; if someone asks the right questions, wants to listen then great, I’m not going to fight anyone to be heard – gives me nothing, leaves me feeling rubbish, does not give me what I need at all.

    I also realised what all our fights were always about, didn’t matter how it came about, was always the same for me, I always only fought for for love and respect, and nothing else. I know now I was never going to get this. I really shouldnt have to fight for this should I? Took a long time for em to see this. I accept this now, doesn’t mean I am not worthy of love, means he could not love me freely.

    Accept he is who he is. He isn’t you, he doesn’t have the same values as you and yes, his behaviour is often appaulling, he and others like him, or in fact anyone with even an ounce of unkindness and controlling behaviour will be toxic and you are always better off to avoid. May mean you also need to adjust who you surround yourself with, and let some people go, BUT, this means that at some point you are only surrounded by great people, those you love, respect and trust completely.

    Work out does what he has done today effect me, do I need to act here, if not, if it is your emotional response that is causing you the difficulty here, then give yourself what you need here, acknowledge how you feel, express it with someone to meet this emotional need so that you can then let it go. Quite often these days I laugh at my angry thoughts, I see them as ‘just’ angry thoughts that mean very little really, especially those that stem from him. But if I am required to act, if there is something I need to do then I will do this, may mean standing firm or letting someone know this is not ok for me. Guess I’m talking about being assertive and setting healthy boundaries – always.

    There is always stuff that will anger us, course. Learning how to process anger quickly is a life skill and much needed – lots on the net to help you with this. We get angry with him for trampling our boundaries and treating us badly don’t we, I also had to acknowledge that I felt angry with myself for letting him get away with this. I forgave myself for this and thus let that go. Today I won’t make that same mistake again, lesson well and truly learnt hey. I always protect the self, by responding to myself, my thoughts and feelings, giving myself what I need, this part of me is always present in all of my relationships, when we are with the right person or people we never feel compromised.

    When we feel in control of our emotions, willing to allow each and everyone in, we learn how to express our anger in a non violent way, in a healthy way. When we do this, anger can protect us and help us to articualte exactly what we need to say, do what it is we need to do, act on it or simply acknowledge it – then we can let it go x

    • #100677
       fizzylem 
      Participant

      Guess it’s really about working out what needs to happen here, can I control or influence this? Do I need to act or is there nothing I can do here, bar meet my emotional need here, if nothing can be done, or if nothing needs to happen next, it’s about acknowledging how I feel, and expressing it if needed.

      If we don’t do this it boils away, more things anger us and eventually the anger pots gets full and blows. The key is to deal with each thing that leaves us feeling angry as it arises. To begin with it’s always most helpful to express it with another, at first it spits out, then eventually you start to think about how you’d like to articulate it with another – which is very helpful, turns what you say from he this and that into I am angry because.

      The samaritians are great for this, by expressing anger with this helper, this also helps you to protect the relationships you care about in life, because if we are angry around others it can sometimes scare them, the samaritains are trained to hold you, give you the space to just spit it out as they know this is the help you need, that you just need to express how you feel so that it is out instead of in; rationality will then often return shortly afterwards when we do this x

  • #100695
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Bravelassie,failte. Welcome to the forum, opening up is a really scary thing to do, so kudos to you. This is a safe place to open up, you’ll never be judged.
    Live and light IWMB

  • #100778
     Lemmy 
    Participant

    I’ve tried posting twice now and failed to record it. How does it work?

  • #100780
     Lemmy 
    Participant

    I’ve tried posting twice now and failed to record it. How does it work?
    Obs I am new to this forum too.
    I must say that the covid virus just makes the situation of being trapped literally there as a fact. A double fact. Trapped in the house with someone getting nasty and trapped in my partners habit of undermining , criticism , ignoring, . I have to fight all the time ( inside of me ) not to bail out ( emotionally) so I can be there for my little son (detail removed by moderator). I questioned his attitude (detail removed by moderator) suggesting that he could come up with a solution rather than having a problem that gets worse and worse the more he talks about it. He warned me to stop and not wind him up but it was too late and he started threatening with aggressive behaviour. I took my son and I out for a walk (!!!?!!!) and came back hoping that he’d calmed down. Inside he apologises to my son and shouts at me blaming me for escalating the situation, I move too (detail removed by moderator) and he pushes at me: (detail removed by moderator) He says. (detail removed by moderator) I say and go out again( !!!) . My son and I are walking and getting calmer. We both hate the covid as there’s no where to go.
    Back again we look for him. I apologise and say that we should try and make it back on track for our son. Yes he says … I will have to think about what I’ve done. He doesn’t come downstairs,has not (detail removed by moderator) and when he comes down he talks to my son ( who is desperate for his attention ) but stonewalls me.
    That’s just from (detail removed by moderator) Week3 day 1.

     

     

  • #100781
     Lemmy 
    Participant

    I think I’ve posted that
    But I don’t know cos I can’t see it anywhere

  • #100782
     Lemmy 
    Participant

    Oh yes it’s working now!

  • #100783
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    lemmy this happens sometimes are you on a phone? i find this works better on a lap top xx

    with anger – this is natural when we feel weve been deceived and mistreated. Anger is one stage off this and when you realise these feelings are just going to destroy you that when you draw a line. i remember coming to this realisation thinking really? im going to give him all of this energy and make myself ill. no enough is enough. i thank god i am not like him. i am thankful to have peace of mind that ive never bullied anyone or hurt anyone. i think this experience can take lots of shapes and forms when were recovering. acceptance i suppose is the ultimate goal – not quite there yet but i definitely dont blame myself and i dont waste any of my time any more letting hi into my thoughts. you definitely get to a point you get more blaze`. then something triggers us and were back to square one maybe even just for a few hours. our resilience and self reliance builds tho and you feel it happening. it makes you stronger than most xxxx

    love diymum

  • #102420
     Anonymous

    Hello everyone I’m new to this too and struggled to post via my phone but hopefully this way will be successful. I finally found the strength/courage to leave after (detail removed by moderator). I’m (detail removed by moderator)  in now although sometimes it feels like (detail removed by moderator) minutes! Units of time see irrelevant don’t they. Trouble is, that in order to escape I’m staying with my elderly mother who I am discovering (or more correctly perhaps) making sense of, is very emotionally manipulative. All the things I grew up with but never made any sense of, I’m now seeing now for what they are. Has anyone else experienced this? Would appreciate someone to chat to about this please. Keep safe everyone and we are all doing as well as we can – sending ou big hugs 🤗

     

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

EXIT SITE

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ Jobs

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account