Hi I’m new

[saveme]

I’m currently in a relationship were I’m not sure if it’s abuse or not. He stops me from talking to my friend but she did (detail removed by moderator). He tells me not to disobey him again if I do stuff he tells me not too. He threatens to batter me and tells me if he hit me he’d knock me out in one punch. He’s not hit me out of angry but he did push a girl pretty hard infront of me and told me if I didng leave with him he’d batter me and her. I love him so much but I’m scared one day he does hurt me, any advice?

[Tiffany]

Unfortunately this sounds very much like serious abuse. You don’t actually have to hit someone for it to count as abuse. Punching walls, slamming doors and restraining you in any way also count. Punching someone is serious physical violence. Doing it as a threat of what he will do to you is physical abuse, and you are right to be scared. Frankly, if you stay with him it is only a matter of time before he hits you.

Stopping you seeing friends is also a big red flag for abuse. I mean, fair enough, she doesn’t sound like a great friend – I would certainly have concerns about someone who (detail removed by moderator) – but I think from how you describe it that your partner is merely using it as an excuse to limit your friend group, rather than because he is concerned for you. A normal partner might well express concern regarding your friends behaviour, and possibly even express a preference that you didn’t hang out with them. But that is very very different from telling someone “not to disobey them”. That åhrase screams controlling partner. It’s actually one my abuser used too. He told me that I had to do as he said because he was looking after my health concerns (I am chronically ill) but it was pretty much otherwise exactly what you described. Don’t do X because it isn’t good for you quickly morphs into you have made a bad descision, so now I am going to make all descisions regarding your life. And you don’t feel like you can argue with it because you have made bad descisions.

Let me tell you, we are human. Sometimes we make bad descisions. That doesn’t give anyone else the right to run our lives. Legally it is only permissable if you are seriously mentally impaired (through mental illness, dementia or serious disability etc.) And even then it is something that has to be legally granted and is closely scrutinised. What your partner is doing is illegal, even if he doesn’t hit you. It isn’t love, it’s abuse. People who love their partners would never act in this way towards them. You would never act this way towards any one.

I am so sorry this is happening to you, but it is, and I would urge you to call the helpline when it is safe to do so for more advice.

[saveme]

i really do believe he loves me and he just wants the best for me, but i feel he just doesn’t use the best way to show it. he’s had a bad time with ex’s being violent towards him, but he’s not got anything on his recorded for hitting woman. all this past crimes are to do with violence, I’m currently getting a clears law to check this for sure.

i don’t want to leave him because when its good we’re amazing together and i can’t imagine life without him now. I’ve never met someone i get along with on so many levels, its just his anger thats letting us down.

[Tiffany]

You sound so very like me a few year ago. I too thought my partner just didn’t know how to express affection in a healthy way. In his case he had a difficult family life and an abusive father, which I thought explained his behaviour. The fact of the matter is that we shouldn’t have to explain their behaviour. It’s one thing to forgive people having an occasional bad day, but we really shouldn’t have to explain away their entire pattern of behaviour towards us.

For me the good bits were good too. I also had low self esteem and didn’t believe I deserved better than I got. But everyone deserves better than an abusive partner. I stayed with mine for years, hoping things would get better. We got engaged. I was so sure that he loved me. Then he started hitting me.

He also had a history of violence, so that would be a definite red flag for me too.

Can I suggest that you keep notes somewhere secret on the good times and the bad ones? I did this in the months before I left and was shocked to discover that there were around 10 minor nasty incidents for every small nice one. And the major nasty incidents outnumbered the nice ones about 3 to 1. Obviously this balance had tipped slowly towards the nasty over the years. Initially there had been fewer nasty incidents and more nice ones. But I was shocked at how often he was cruel in small ways – comments on my appearance, criticisms of my cooking, and how seldom he made an effort to do nice things. I had become so used to it that I just dismissed most of it, but it was really damaging me and my confidence.

[saveme]

he doesn’t comment of my appearance badly, and tells me to dress and do my make up how i want. always reminds me I’m too pretty for him and over all too good for him. every time i meet his friends or member of his family say this to him as well. i just dont understand how he could know all this and still treat me like c**p when he’s mad.

I’ve told him so many times if he doesn’t change i will end up leaving and when i do end it he breaks down into tears. i really can see in his eyes he loves me and he doesn’t mean to hurt me like this, but why would he continue to act this way, when he knows how hurt he gets when i do leave.

i know I’m stupid for going back but he’s honestly the best thing to happen to me, he makes me so happy, makes me feel loved, shows me off like a trophy, i could go on and on. its just his anger thats the problem but I’m too scared to say that too him.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi im new, ive always fooled myself thats its just his anger thats the problem. Trust me they dont have anger issues, they can control their anger when it suits them. My OH has always said im too good for him, people have told him (even when im there) how did he get me. I may be more educated than him, but hes so clever in how he manipulates and rationally explains that I’m the problem why he loses it..he never said i couldnt go out, but hed act angry or upset when id get back. I never phoned him, he was worried. Mobile phones have a lot to answer for!! Im a natural people person, laugh with people make them feel good about themselves. In his eyes i was flirting and easy meat, so he had to protect me from myself, else id end up sleeping with whoever. My OH is very generous to me , bought my cars, bought me clothes as he likes me to look nice and my taste is so bad!!. Mine has said his ex was violent and abusive to him too just like im being!!! No we are standing up for ourselves. Listen to what he says or doesnt say about his exes. The only constant denominator is him. Im not even allowed to talk about his ex, yet he constantly brings mine up or tells me to go back to him at times. Him refusing to see his kids bcos of supervised visits should have been a big warning sign to me yet i believed his side, saying she was spiteful and vindictive. I now believe she was just protecting her children.
Mine was the best thing that ever happened to me too. We liked the same things, even the same furnishings. What he liked i didnt dislike, yet on retrospect ive not always got what i liked more. I like you to have nice things, yet his stuff clutters up the house yet he say its mine that is.

[saveme]

we’re the same, we have the same interests, like same food, music, smells, litrally everything we’re the same. he’s me as a guy.
he’s very smart this making me feel guilty and making me see things as my fault even if I’ve done nothing wrong. he has a go at me for being emotional and cry a lot when we fight, he says i put on the tears to make him feel bad. but i think if he saw how he was shouting at me he’d realise why I’m crying.
I’ve been in a abusive relationship before but he put his hands on me and made me do things i didn’t want too. kept me in the house for weeks, wouldn’t let me go home to my parents. i think maybe because was treated so bad in the past i just push everything he says and does to the side because he’s never put his hands on me.
where you say you can handle anger, i disagree. personally i have bad anger issues and when something triggers me i can’t help my actions or things i say.
i really do love him so much and i don’t want to give up on us, coz i know when we get past this rough patch we’ll be an amazing couple.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, i meant my OH when angry at others or situations can control his anger, Just not with me. I was quite an angry person growing up too, but i found out that was hormonal, plus when in situations had no control over i could become angry and would shout a lot. I learned that i didnt like being that person and chose not to be. Its human to lose your temper, its flight or fight mechanism. whats not okay is losing your temper blaming it on others as a way of not taking responsibility for your actions. Im always told to stop greetin in his face, women are so ugly when they cry. Its a release technique . I know Some people cry to be manipulative, thats not why we cry. We cry cos they wont listen,life seems futile, we cry cos our voices are silenced.
Maybe your anger issues have stemmed from your previous situation and even though hes not hit you,your body/mind is recognising abuse b4cyou arexready too. Does your stomach feel in knots, do you ever feel sick or bexen sick. Any unexplained headaches, neck or shoulder tightness. Our body knows things long b4 we do. .
I loved my OH so much, id NEVER felt that close to anyone so strongly. I actually thought many times iwas addicted to him. Whats so confusing is how can that loving,kind,generous man also be the cause of such utter heartache and desolation. (It must b something ive done to upset him so much.cos that is what he tells me) and yes in a normal relationships we do things that do annoy each other, but normal people talk these issues through without throwing blame and accusations about. Normal people don’t say I’ll stop x if you stop y. They dont give ultimatums or threaten to leave everytime you have an arguement. Not every abuser is the same,some are generous kind and thoughtful. But they also believe they are entitled to put you in your place, make you see sense, show youv what youre doing is wrong.
Matilda the movie has been on tv recently, a lot.
Danny devito character is the typical abuser… im big youre little. Im right you’re wrong. Im smart youre dumb.
We have an inate 6th sense, our gut instinct. We know when somethings not right, but unfortunately we also give people the benefit of the doubt too often, cos theyre nice to us at times also.
Keep posting get as much info as you can. My OH is starting to turn the tables, saying i abuse him, i play with his head. Listen to what they say and watch their body language. If they accuse you all the time try replacing you with i or I’m. These men are angry at themselves, maybe due to something in their childhood, who knows, but instead of changing how they act they want you to change.anyone who effects anither person to change their values or Morales to suit them needs to be kicked to the kerb. Unfortunately we dont get to see that person until we’ve been hooked into their fu…d up world of right and wrong.
Again good luck, remember how strong you are, cos you take all his stuff every day, whether in good time or bad,its always there simmering away under the surface.
IWMB 💕💕

[saveme]

any advice on how i can stop all the arguments?

most times they start coz i feel like he’s cheating, but he says he only speaks to girls when (detail removed by moderator). and yes i shouldn’t be with someone who is around drugs. but we usually start fighting coz I’m scared he’s cheating but he would never let me on his phone but one time he took my phoe out my hand and went through my messages. i always tell guys i have a boyfriend if my pals flirt with me. one guy had been sending me pictures, i hadn’t replied but he turned around and went mental at me coz some guy i don’t know sent me pictures. if i even touch his phone he grabs it away from me. but we are in a relationship on Facebook and he posts pictures of me on his snapchat. so everyone knows he’s in a relationship. I’m just para because my ex cheated on me with loads of people.

i want to get through this and make this work with him. tbh i do trust him more within the last week and don’t feel like he’s cheating anymore, but ill always be scared he is coz of my past. he doesn’t understand that though.

I’ve also been sexually assaulted in past by a few people and he gets mad when i don’t tell him why I’m depressed, i want to be open and tell him about my past, but i find it hard to talk about this with anyone. Any advice you can give me on how to be more open and tell him about my past?

i keep a lot to myself and i haven’t really told anyone my assualts,i want to tell him but I’m scared he goes after them.

[Tiffany]

Please don’t tell anyone about your past if you don’t feel comfortable with it. No one should pressure you into revealing that kind of information. I am in a loving relationship after a long period of time in an abusive relationship and I haven’t told my partner any of the details. Only that my previous partner was abusive and that that will sometimes influence my behaviour. And specific things I don’t want him to do because I find them triggering. He never asks for an explanation about why he isn’t to do certain things. I can just say ‘don’t touch my neck, it makes me anxious’ and he won’t touch my neck. This is a normal supportive partners reaction. Demanding to know everything about a person’s past or their current feeling is not. At best it is insensitive. At worst it is digging for ammunition for more abuse.

I am also really worried about the double standards of your partner. He stops you seeing a friend because of her behaviour with drugs, but he is involved in supplying people with drugs? That doesn’t seem right. Also he has been through your phone, but you are not allowed to see his? This is something that my abuser did frequently. He told me basically that he bought my phone, so he had the right to scrutinise what I did with it. But he was very secretive with his. I suspect now that he was cheating on me. It’s not a healthy dynamic anyway. In my new relationship neither of us would dream of going through each others phones, but we also don’t worry if the other person accidentally catches sight of what we are writing or reading. Because that is normal and we have nothing to hide. I know some people are really free with their phones and read over each others shoulders, bit this is only ok if you are both happy with it.

To be honest it sounds like the arguments are stemming from his behaviour, rather than you, so I am not sure there is anything you can do to fix it. I would suggest that maybe you read up on coersive control and see if that seems in any way familiar. Just because he isn’t a physical abuser (yet) it doesn’t mean that he is treating you right.

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