28th October 2020 at 9:36 pm #115769AnonymousInactive
Hi all, I was thinking a few days if I should start any conversations here. I’m whole my life in abusive relationships. It has tarted from my family home where my mother was aggressive and always put me in the state of guilt. She is heavy drinking and she was always telling me that she drinks because I’m horrible person and that I don’t love her enough.
I met my husband when I was teenager and he impressed me a lot because he didn’t drink alcohol at all, didn’t use swear words etc.
I didn’t know at the time that he is so controlling.
It started from small things, like telling me to stop coffe as it’s not good for my health, after a while I ended up asking him for an (detail removed by moderator) as he allowed me only (detail removed by moderator). We have joint account in the bank since we live together. There is so many things I could list here of what he is doing to me….
At the moment I’m not allowed spend any money without asking him for permission even tough I’m working and we are on the same money.
If I need any clothes I have to ask for it and very often he tells me no. Even when we have money. He would rather spend it on whiskey… He transfer money to saving account. I realised few days ago that this account is on his name only. I’m trapped and scared. We have a daughter who already started to understand what’s going on. I need to find the strength to leave him. He destroys me from the inside. I know now that I’m in sick relationship but I’m scared to tell him that I want to leave. I’ve tried (detail removed by moderator) and our conversation ended up with whole blame on me. That I’m horrible wife and I’m lucky he wants to be with me. He has threatened me many times, even in front of our girl…
What do I do next…. I don’t know….
29th October 2020 at 9:40 am #115782
Hello and welcome, please contact your local women’s aid who can help you with a safe exit plan. There’s the national domestic abuse helpline too. I’m sorry you’re going through this but there really is help out there. These men are most dangerous when we try to leave so please don’t talk to him about that x
29th October 2020 at 1:06 pm #115790AnonymousInactive
Thank you for nice welcome. Unfortunately today I texted him that I want to speak with him about finances and his priorities. He didn’t answer to me so I’m afraid that it will all start today…
29th October 2020 at 2:16 pm #115796
Yes it will start so even more reason for you to contact your local women’s aid for help. What he’s doing is illegal. Financial abuse, coercive control. You could talk to the domestic abuse police and ask for their help? Your child is witness to his abuse. That’s child abuse x reach out, you will be believed and helped x
30th October 2020 at 4:56 pm #115838AnonymousInactive
How do I contact local women’s aid for help? When I googled it I didn’t find anything close to me. Is it the chat I can have here? I’m sorry maybe that’s silly question but I really don’t know.
30th October 2020 at 5:38 pm #115839
Yes you can chat on here or ring the national domestic abuse helpline number and they can help you find your local branch and perhaps give you some other useful advice. It’s run by Refuge. It’s not a silly question at all. I was the same, we haven’t had to get this sort of help before so it’s all completely new and can be very confusing, your local domestic abuse police unit can help you too x
30th October 2020 at 5:39 pm #115840
Freephone 24-Hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247
30th October 2020 at 7:47 pm #115842AnonymousInactive
Is it bad that I don’t want him to be in trouble? I can’t imagine calling police. In my head started thoughts that maybe he’s not that bad and I’m overreacting.. I’m messed up at the moment.. He didn’t speak with me about my message yet, he he like to be silent for a while when we have a problem between us.
2nd November 2020 at 1:41 pm #115939HawthornParticipant
Hope you’re doing OK. It’s so normal to feel confused about what’s happening, it’s all part of the abuse. The silent treatment is a common tactic. I know it sounds so tough but try to think of yourself rather than him, he is deliberately taking up space in your brain so you struggle to do that. Reaching out to womens aid is a great step. I found reading ‘why does he do that’ by lundy Bancroft so illuminating, it’s what helped me get the clarity to get out. You’ll find free pdf version online. ‘Living with the Dominator’ is another good one.
Good luck and take care. Keep posting here, it’s so difficult to leave and we all understand here.
This space is here for you whatever you decide x*x
3rd November 2020 at 10:54 am #115960LivingMyLifeParticipant
Im so sorry you have had to go through this. None of it is your fault!! Always remember that!
Its not bad that you don’t want him in trouble. Unlike him, you have a heart. My abuser could have been arrested so many times for what he did to me but i never went through with it because i loved him and probably also, i was scared of the repercussions. I did however report him to the police so even though he wasnt arrested, it is all on his file now and can be used for injunctions etc.
What i will say is.. any contact you have, please document it. Don’t delete any messages even if they are hard to read.
My ex took everything away from me.. everything. I am swimming in debt because of him and i only escaped with the essentials when i fled from our home. The last thing he has on me is a dog he bought for me over (detail removed by Moderator) ago. He and his family want (detail removed by Moderator) to get her back. Along with evidence that the dog is mine, the messages of abuse and police reports will help me in this case so i am so glad i made sure i kept everything and have evidence of his abuse.
It may only be a dog but this is my fight now… he will never take anything from me again. I have my freedom, my friends, my family, my health and my dog and that’s all i need.
3rd November 2020 at 3:54 pm #115965AnonymousInactive
Hi ladies, thank you very much for such a great support. I’m about to hand him a letter today that I have enough and I will never ever let me do things he did. I will inform him that financial abuse can be reported so he can get in big trouble. I just want out now.
I’ve wrote the letter as he never listen to me. I have changed account at work so my money will not go anymore to joint account. That might make him really angry. Will see today… Keep fingers crossed for me today x*x
@livingMyLife I really wish you all the best and I hope your fight will end up as you want. I can just imagine how tough it is for you.
@hawthorn thank you for the books I will definitely read them.
THANK YOU FOR ALL SUPPORT ❤️
3rd November 2020 at 4:57 pm #115966
Ending a relationship and trying to take back control is the most dangerous time for you. It’s when they become violent. Please don’t tell him, don’t give him that letter. Make a safe exit plan along with women’s aid and leave without telling him anything. He won’t be reasonable, he won’t acknowledge the abuse, he will simply hurt you more.
4th November 2020 at 8:26 am #115979LisaMain Moderator
I just wanted to show you some support, I can see that KIP has given really good advice here about not giving the letter, your safety is so important.
How are you today? I was wondering if you have managed to call the helpline or to get any support in place? You can find your local domestic abuse service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
It would be good if you can let us know that you are safe when you can,
4th November 2020 at 11:26 am #115980LivingMyLifeParticipant
Fingers crossed for you. Just make sure you are staying a safe place where he cannot find you after you give him the letter.
As hard as it is, block contact when you feel you can. Not hearing from my abuser makes things a little easier.
Stay strong and keep safe x*x
4th November 2020 at 12:36 pm #115982AnonymousInactive
Hi, thank you for your concern I’m OK, he is not aggressive towards me. We had a long conversation (detail removed by moderator) but I can now clearly see that he manipulates me very easily. He was very calm and said that If I want to leave no problem. But he made me feel guilty about whole thing and (detail removed by moderator) I said I’ll stay. But I know I can’t. He seems to be very calm, I don’t feel in danger at the moment. I will contact the line today but somehow I think he will let me go.
4th November 2020 at 1:17 pm #115983LisaMain Moderator
Thanks for updating us. I am glad you are ok, it must have been a really difficult conversation.
I hope you manage to speak to someone today for some support, we also have a Live Chat service
(weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
It would also be a good idea to think about safety planning, you can find some useful information here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/
Take care and keep posting to let us know how you are,
4th November 2020 at 3:22 pm #115984
I’m trapped and scared. He has threatened me many times, even in front of our girl.
These are your words. You’re scared and give in to him because you’re scared. It’s when he doesn’t get what he wants then you’re in very real danger. Trust your gut. He’s going to be very much on alert now you’ve dared to threaten to leave him. Never underestimate him x
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