Hi I’m new and I’m not sure where to start!

[Faraway]

Hi, I’m from a different country from you ladies but I’m hoping to find some support. My marriage has ended and he has not seen the kids since the start of the year due to violence. I was going very well for a couple of months and then I fell in a heap. I just feel like an empty shell. My anxiety is so bad that I can’t work at the moment. I’ve lost so much weight that people are now worried. I don’t even know what the hungry feeling feels like anymore. I have been reading through the forums and this sounds like a really supportive place.

[fizzylem]

Hi Faraway, welcome to the forum. The healing process can be a slow one, with highs and lows, it’s not unusual to find you collapse now and then, getting out can keep a person busy for a while, there was a lot to sort out wasn’t there, maybe you’ve reached a bit of a stand still and now you’ve stopped the emotions have re surfaced and the scale of what has happened has hit you?

When we feel stuck it’s important to acknowledge this and seek the help you need. Can you get access to any psychological help? Have you got any support form a DA charity? If you can access this it could help x

[diymum@1]

hi there and welcome,

yes were here for you 🙂

ive been in the same place as you are highly anxious – under weight because i just couldnt eat or sleep. thats trauma. all i can say is i tried my best to just battle through every day. i thought at the time i wasnt coping because off my own insecurities but no i see now that i probably needed therapy, mindfulness, self love and time to work through my emotions. i was a train wreck. so at least you are no contact so thats a good start and you dont have custody issues another plus. you sound like you have emotional exhaustion this will take time to subside the good news this does eventually. its hard to believe you will come out the other side off this but you will. try to take baby steps in your recovery and we will be here to support you xx love diymum

[Faraway]

Thanks so much for reaching out fizzylem. I think you are right I was so busy at the start looking after my three kids but now I’m drained and the emotions are coming. I do see a counseller but now I feel I can’t talk in case my records are taken to court. He is wanting 50/50 custody but has drinking problems and calls the kids horrific names. I just want to get rid of this anxiety so I can eat again. Thanks so much for the support!

[Faraway]

Thanks so much didymum@1! I actually do have custody issues as now he is taking me to the family court for access. He wants 50/50 custody. Everything you have explained about eating and sleeping is me. I had no idea it was linked to trauma. Thank you for reaching out as I’d like to form some friendships here xx

[diymum@1]

so he is essentially an unfit father really – he is verbally and emotionally abusing the kids. if you can get the kids to the GP and maybe a therapist you have a good chance of reducing your contact order to nil or at most supervised access – you cant have this for the kids xx he wont get 50-50 id request his medical records they can tell by the bloods if theyre drinkers so biliruben ALT its easily proven xxxx

[fizzylem]

I know it’s difficult, especially when you feel so drained and exhausted like you do, but try not to focus on what he wants, try to focus on what you think is best for the kids here and go for that, do whatever you need to do to help that by gathering evidence from other health profs – get their support.

If you are going through a battle now with the kids then of course you feel anxious, this is natural, normal and expected. You are on alert and this alertness will help you to make your case, however, it is therefore also important to take breaks and rest when you feel you need to, so you dont burn out, self care is just an important as gathering things for the case.

I’m going through similar atm, I do what is needed and rest, make myself go to yoga, I’m eating lots of salad and fish atm as well, it’s easy to make and healthy, gives me the right fuel, some days I hardly eat all, is what it is, anxiety suppreses appetite, so I drink lots of water and fluids instead, but the following day I ensure I eat healthily again. I’m telling myself that once we get past this life is on the other side xx

[Faraway]

Thanks Dimum@1, yes I’m working with my lawyer at the moment so I have everything in place. (Court detail removed by moderator).  Yes I will be looking into counselling for my oldest as he has not forgotten the abuse.

[Faraway]

Thanks Fizzylem, I know the anxiety is normal and hopefully it will subside in time. So many emotions to go through and yes I’m trying to eat healthy. I just dread waking up and everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I know this is going to be a long road. Thanks for the support xx

[KIP.]

My ex has also requested my notes but there’s nothing in them that he can used against me. Yes, I’m having therapy. Yes, I need help. I talk about the abuse and the effect it has in me. He can read all that out in court if he wants to. But I need that help because of the mental injuries he inflicted on me. If you can’t open up about the abuse then perhaps ask for different coping strategies. Google mindfulness, meditation, read some good books on trauma. Mind over mood is a good book. Ask about trauma based cognitive behaviour therapy. Limit your daily chores to the bare minimum. Lean on friends and family. Force yourself to eat and drink plenty water. Remind yourself you need to sustain brain power as well as body. Get everyone out in the fresh air walking where ever possible.

[Faraway]

Thanks Kip, it so much feels like war at the moment. He knows I have anxiety issues so I’m scared he will use this against me. I will do some reading about Trauma because I thought I was so strong when he was living here and I was. It’s honestly worse now he has gone because I feel like I’m letting myself feel things now and it’s not pretty. When he was here I was strong and his words and actions didn’t affect me but now they do.its so confusing. Thanks for your advice xx

[KIP.]

What youre feeling is normal. I think of a soldier during a war. He or she keeps going through the danger. Goes into survival mode, high levels of anxiety but they cope because they need to survive. It’s only when they get to a place of safety that the PTSD kicks in. When our brain has the space to process the fear and danger. All that brain space or head space is taken up trying to survive we revert to the caveman days of fight or flight or freeze. As the headspace returns so does the awareness and the feelings of extreme trauma as our brain tries to link the emotions and actions we have suppressed. You will also find many things trigger these feelings. For me it’s the smell of strong aftershave, men shouting, the clicking of some shoes when I hear the footsteps. Certain flowers used to trigger me, anything with his name on it etc etc.

[Faraway]

Thanks Kip, you are so knowledgeable and what you are saying makes so much sense. I do you triggered by any loud noises, even if the tv is too loud I panick. Does the trauma subside and do we learn to live normally again? I’m seeing a psychologist so I might talk about these things with her! Thanks for the info xx

[diymum@1]

im hoping so far away. i have avoided therapy – ive booked it at least six times now over the years and cancelled. i think im scared to face it all properly. so speaking from someone who is not having therapy i think it is probably essential in our recovery. i am being silly and i will go but some how i always procrastinate xxxx

[Faraway]

It’s hard and daunting to talk to stranger about what happened. When you talk about it I find it’s more painful than experiencing it.
But after you feel a little lighter. Don’t be hard on yourself diymum@1 because even I don’t know if it’s helping yet. But you do get validation from the therapist that what you experienced was not love. Hope that helps xx

[fizzylem]

You don’t need to talk about it if you dont want to – when and if you do it will feel like the right time and that you feel robust enough to go there, you only go where you want to go in therapy, there is always alot of other stuff to talk/work through that is also related and helpful, doing this also helps to get you to a place where you feel ready to look at what happened – in time x

[Faraway]

You are right fizzylem. You can only talk about what you are ready to talk about. It’s a huge process but I’m really hoping that some form of talking can ease the anxiety and greif that I’m feeling. I don’t love him or even like him I just feel so incredibly sad about how it has come to this. I ate so much toast yesterday so I’m feeling a bit better today. I think forcing myself to eat will help! Fingers crossed xx

[scaredycat]

Hi faraway
I’m in the same place really. I’m also struggling to eat and sleep. I’ve been referred for eating disorder treatment because I’m so underweight but I know its just stress. Its hard to explain isn’t it? All I can say is that I understand. Reaching out to you with a hug across the seas. X

[Faraway]

Thanks for reaching out scaredy-cat! It helps to know I’m not alone. I hope you can get to a place where you start eating again. Im forcing myself to eat at the moment because I don’t even recognise hunger anymore. I just want to feel like I can function again and enjoy my kids and friends. I have some nice friendships but not everyone understands. One of my best friends does and she checks in on me almost daily. It brings me comfort. I hope you ladies have some supportive friends as it does ease the pain a tiny bit xx

[scaredycat]

also KIP that is really interesting that the PTSD kicks in after you have left. I’ve been finding it hard to understand why I feel in some ways worse now.

[Faraway]

I’m really hoping scaredy cat that I don’t have ptsd but I find throughout the day I can’t think about anything but the pain. I hope this eases with time and I can move forward and focus on other things in life all around me. I’m confused because he is now acting like a good guy like he was in the beginning but he has been a monster to me (no physical abuse, just everything else) it makes me question everything but only him and I and my kids know what happened inside the walls of this house. Xx

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