Hi, im new and need advice

[fandora]

Hi, im new here and looking for some advice.. I think my relationship with my sons father is abusive, when we first got together i couldnt believe my luck, he seemed like the nicest, kindest most caring person id ever met. Very early in the relationship, he made it clear that he was eager to have children. I was more hesitant as already had a child from a previous relationship whos father had ‘done a bunk’ as soon as he found out i was pregnant and i didnt want to be in a position where i would be left with full responsibility of more children on my own. He was really persistant and made out he intended to be a very hands on father and was prepared to take his share of responsibility (detail removed by moderator) it got to the point of him saying that if i wasnt ready, he wouldnt want to carry on our relationship as he wanted to be with someone ready to have children….so, after a while, i agreed to stop taking contraception and almost immediately fell pregnant, thats when everything changed. He started being quite moody and irritable, alot less affectionate and by the time i gave birth to our baby, hed been really nasty to me on several occasions. Over the coming years things just went from bad to worse, he drinks alcohol excessively every day and would come home in a drunken rage most nights accusing me of cheating and saying our child was not his. (detail removed by moderator) i was forced to give him all my passwords or he would smash my phone and snap my bank card. he checks my emails, texts, calls and social media account everyday. If any man tries to befriend or speak to me, he will reply to them with some disgusting abusive message from my account as if it is from me. He constantly criticises me and tries to belittle me infront of the children. If i go out, he bombards me with questions on where ive been, who with, why i had to go, why i couldnt of gone another day or time, why i took so long….ect. I can no longer drive as he kept taking my car, crashing it whilst drunk (detail removed by moderator) Hes spat in my face numerous times, even whilst holding our newborn in my arms and on another occasion whilst i was driving (detail removed by moderator) I could go on for pages with the things hes done, it gets worse! I finally plucked up the courage 2 years ago to end the relationship, i felt so relieved after id done it, it seemed so easy, he agreed to find somewhere to live and didnt blow up like i thought he would. I thought it was to easy…and it was…hes still here, hes made no real effort to find anywhere to live and i dont think he intends to. Ive had enough, i cant stand being around him anymore but moving isnt an option for me. I dont know what to do to get him out, his name is not on the tenancy and i know i could call the police to have him removed but he keeps threatening (detail removed by moderator) I just want it to stop, i dont feel like me anymore and i dont know how to make him leave, can anyone give me some advice please? Thanks for reading and i hope you are all ok and getting through your own situations xx

[Twitcher]

Hi Fandora,
I’m so pleased you’ve reached out and found this forum. It sounds as though you’re having such a terrible time but are still managing to show strength. I’m still living with my husband but divorcing and I’ve asked him numerous times to leave but he won’t. I was contacted by a solicitor recommended by Refuge and she told me about some orders I could apply for to help with this but I’m yet to go down that route. I’m sure that it would apply to you to, you’re constantly walking on eggshells by the sounds of it. I’m sure the other lovely ladies on here will have more advice for you and I’m sending you lots of hope lovely, never give up x*x

[Hereforhelp]

Hi fandandora, your abusive partner has put you in a horrible position. You asked to separate and for him to leave… he won’t go anywhere, they rarely do go… live Chat Womans Aid can help you today if you can message them, a safety exit plan is good… do you habe any other support, family or friends? There are orders you can put in place for your safety, a non mol/residence order to keep you safe?
I emailed my local police with incidents of what my husband had done to me (control, financially controlling me, bullying all of us, intimidation etc)…
You deserve an abuse free life ❤️
Also I found my local Citizens Advice Bureau helpful
HfH ❤️

[Anonymous]

Hi Fanandora, I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. It is so much harder to leave than people realise, I was lucky that I had my mum and dad, who came round and literally stood there when he left the first time and when he tried to come back. God knows what I would have done otherwise, I was terrified of him. I then threatened him with a restraining order and he backed off.
I actually work for (detail removed by Moderator). Have you told anyone else what’s been going on? Do you any friends or family you could talk to in confidence, or if not a Domestic Abuse Charity such as (detail removed by Moderator) who can provide confidential 1-1 support. I don’t know where you live so don’t know what’s available in your area. The 1st step is always the hardest because you feel you will be judged, or not believed. But believe me most of the
volunteers are survivors themselves and everyone has incredible empathy. Your GP is also a good 1st step.
If you want more information based on my experience I am quite happy to chat, please take care of yourself, you are worth it.

[Author]

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