Hi I’m new here

[Theydeservethebest]

Hello to all. I’ve been reading here for a while before registering. Some very strong women on here, it’s mind blowing.
I’m a mum of little ones and been with my partner a while. I’m very confused at the moment. Yet another incident. Not physical yet but the threat is in the air. Lunging at me to intimidate. I’m so torn. My kids totally adore him. We actually have a lovely home and life and things are mostly good. Or they were. There’s always been strong arguments. I used to be shocked but over time found myself arguing back in a vile way. Then the kids came along. I stopped, it’s important to me they grow up strong and secure and safe. Since (detail removed by moderator) my partner has got worse. It escalated dreadfully, almost constant walking on egg shells, everything made him angry. In front of the kids too. I’ve sobbed in front of them so many times. (Detail removed by moderator) he accidentally let out child see a message on his phone that was an inappropriate video. He didn’t mean to but I was very cross, I found it irresponsible. I got cross over it, I probably shouldn’t have but because I did the whole thing blew up and he was calling me names in front of them. He’s on medication and has been to the gp with me under the guise of seeking help but there’s no real chasing it up or urgency. He doesn’t really see the problem. He’s called me all the names there are countless times. Escalating to a spit. Then kicking a table. Then lunging. If I try to ask him to leave he will start noisily packing in front of the kids, has pulled TVs off a wall and has said goodbye to them. Threatened suicide in front of my son. I was going to say I wonder if there’s hope for us but I’m typing this and kind of horrified. The kids love him. Genuinely. He’s kind a lot of the time. But there’s this bad side. Is it unsalvageable… I don’t want to break the kids hearts by leaving but I’m worried about their little minds if we stay. He’s being great today. My head is all over the place.
I’ve left a lot out but I’m sure no one on here can write every thing down.
Anyway. That’s why I’m here. Hello to all

 

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome, sadly he’s a typical abuser and he won’t change. Abuse always gets worse. If it’s important to you that your children grow up strong and secure and safe, that will never happen with a man like this. The damage is already being done to them, and he’s doing it deliberately. Using his children to hurt you. Not caring that his behaviour will cause. Them mental Health problems. they will see his behaviour as normal and are much more likely to be abused themselves. There is never an excuse for domestic abuse. His medication doesn’t make him abuse you in front of his children, which is child abuse, he chooses to behave this way. You need to make a safe exit plan with women’s aid. Your children don’t know any better. If they loved a rabid dog you wouldn’t let them near it. He’s shown you he doesn’t care about the well-being of his own children and he sounds extremely dangerous. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline and find your local branch x stay safe x have you read Living with the Dominator? It’s shocking to discover that these men choose this behaviour and know how damaging it is x

[Anonymous]

Hi,

If I’d have asked my kids they would have said he should stay, family loyalty. The damage that is done to the kids might not show at first it never did with mine but it really has become apparent as we all stopped living on high alert. They were stuck in a bad situation for a long long time and that takes its toll emotionally. Even though I am not free completely I am able to shield them from his antics now trying not to let anymore damage be done. The good times it doesnt wipe out what they are witnessing now. I hope you find the strength to leave and if you do then its going to be a difficult road but a worthwhile one for you all. xx

[Theydeservethebest]

Thanks for the replies. No, I haven’t read that but I will have a look. I’m so angry that he has done all this. These beautiful amazing kids and the chance of a really happy family. He’s choosing to ruin it.
I’ve been trying to get finances organised so that I can have minimum of things to sort out when this all happens. I’m in some debt that I didn’t cause or even know about to be honest. It’s hard as I’m sure you well know, he has so many nice sides I can barely understand it’s the same person. And I’m blaming myself and over analysing. The thought keeping me firm is that I don’t want my kids turning out the same. I’m trying to muster up some grit

[Theydeservethebest]

Not only that. I am just day dreaming about reading stories before bed, cuddling up and smiling together. Not caring about any unfolded clothes or worrying about the hoovering until the next day. If I could click my fingers and have a little place with my kids tomorrow I’d go to bed with the biggest smile tonight.

[Iwantmeback]

Hello there and welcome to the forum. Look up the cycle of abuse, abusers aren’t bad all the time else we’d leave a lot quicker. Think dr Jekyll and mr Hyde. Don’t let the children sway you, the long term damage can sometimes never be undone. Threatening to kill himself in front of his children is child abuse, you’re right he chooses to act this way. There’s a few good books we recommend to each other, why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominator by pat Craven. Lundy has a book called when daddy hits mummy, hitting includes pushing,nipping,threatening to hit, kicking things over, antmy aggressive scary behaviour. Contact wa as soon as you feel able to. It’s all about taking baby steps, it takes time to psyche yourself up to do these things. Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. Look up the grey rock method it’ll help not get pulled into his drama and chaos.
None of us would ever choose to walk down this road, together we can get through it.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Kitkat44]

Hi, your situation sounds all too familiar although we are in calm phase at present. I just wanted to let you know I feel the same, angry that the children have been exposed to this kind of behaviour, sad that my marriage is rubbish and over And when I read back on my old posts I feel shocked I’m still in this situation and I’m writing about my husband. Also wish I could whisk us all away xx

[Theydeservethebest]

in My head my plan is to be out and semi settled in a new home for a small little Christmas just me and the kids.
The lockdown situation doesn’t help any of us does it.
I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply and I’ll be on here to try and support you back as much as I can be.
I have knots in my stomach it’s almost easier when he’s being nasty because it spurs me on to get going

[Sungirl]

Hi welcome to the forum, I am also quite new, maybe about a week now. I am finding it really helpful getting advice and support on here. Try and start a diary, I have been, and it’s really helpful to log everything. You really start to notice all the tiny manipulative things they say to make you doubt yourself and feel bad. Try and focus on you and your kids. For a long time I though I could help and maybe fix my husband, I have known he has had problems for a long time. But now I’ve realised I can’t fix him. I need to try and move on and focus on myself and the kids now. I haven’t been myself for a long time now and also always feeling anxious and unhappy quite a lot. There are lots of strong women on here with helpful advice so keep reading and posting

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