Hi I’m new here

[Stressedandalone]

I’ve recently split up with my partner who I really believe was the one , we have a baby together too. Recently found out he’s been with another woman for months. He’s been seeing her and not coming home, ignoring me but talking to her about me and telling her very personal things. She’s a very nasty person too and told me I had to get out of his house plus she’s  (removed by moderator) so I’ve had to see her everyday. She has also (removed by moderator), which he said was ok as it’s just us girls playing games. He changed the locks the next day. He’s been abusing alcohol for a long time and has a past history of going to rehab for both drugs and alcohol. He’s made me feel for many months that it’s all been me and that I’m the childish selfish one. I’ve struggled with anxiety since having my little girl and it’s like he’s played on it, making me feel worse. I’ve totally lost my confidence. He made mine and my children’s lives a misery because we could never do anything right. I just don’t know why I still love him and wished he would have fought for us and picked us. It’s as if he doesn’t care and isn’t sorry at all, still with this new girl and flaunting it all the time. He’s still with holding some of my belongings too. I’m now just waiting for him to take me to court to see our daughter but have been advised with his history he will only get contact visits! I really hope this is right as he’s left us with nothing and I couldn’t bare to loose my daughter too.

[Lisa]

Hi Stressedandalone,

Welcome to the forum. You’ve come to the right place to share your experience as I’m sure you will find the other women here can relate. Coming to terms with the fact your partner is abusive can be especially hard to comprehend when he also starts seeing someone else (or has been having an affair). Please know this has got nothing to do with you or ‘not being good enough’ as there is no doubt that this man will soon be perpetrating the same abusive behaviours in his new relationship.
You mentioned that he made you and your children’s lives’ a misery. Focus on this truth and gain the strength you need to move forward. It’s absolutely normal to still feel you care and even love him, these feelings will evolve when you are able to start prioritising your own happiness and well being.
Do speak with your local domestic abuse service for any support around what is happening. The more you engage in help and learn your rights and options in all this, the more confidence and clarity you will gain in how to move forward.
You may find The Freedom Programme useful to you at some point. It is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse.
For extra emotional support and assurance when you need it, you can try calling Supportline. They offer support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally.
I hope this is useful. Do keep posting and all the best.

Lisa

[KIP.]

Hello and welcome. I’m so sorry he’s put you through this nightmare. Abuse often escalates after the birth of a child when we are extremely vulnerable. Please contact your local women’s aid for support and go total zero contact with him. Block him on everything and don’t listen to a word he says. He’s a liar. Use a third party for contact to retrieve your belongings and don’t be afraid to use the police domestic abuse department. Involving another women is just another form of abuse and it’s obvious because he’s making sure you know about it. Concentrate on you and your child and start a journal of his behaviour and it is good evidence as is disclosing his about to your GP and how it’s made you feel. You’re not alone and this other woman has no right to be in your life at all and I’d report her to the police for harrassment if there is any unwanted contact there. Take a look at Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Don’t put him on the birth certificate if you have the option. If he takes you to court it will cost him money and his behaviour will be exposed so don’t let him use the threat of court to control and scare you. That’s another common tactic. He obviously doesn’t care for this other woman either as he was with you. Just take baby steps just now. Keep posting for support. Lots of women have been through this and I’m sure will be along to support you x

[Author]

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